


The Naked North Sea Ramifications

by devilbk



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-08 12:55:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 48,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilbk/pseuds/devilbk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Per Season 7, Episode 1, while Leonard was away on the North Sea expedition, he proudly showed a youtube video of a nude scene Penny had done for the never-released film Serial Apist to his shipmates. This is what happens when Penny finds out. Please note that the rating has been changed from T to M, primarily for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 1: This conversation is inspired by something SunnyCitrus10 said to me. It also occurs to me that Leonard has yet to be taken to task for this. To me, at least, it’s kind of a big deal. It should be for Penny, too.

**The Naked North Sea Ramifications**

The day had started so nicely. A couple of the folks that Leonard had met on the North Sea boat suddenly found themselves in Pasadena and Leonard wanted them to meet Penny. Since they were only in for the day and Penny was scheduled to work he brought them over to The Cheesecake Factory.

The Cheesecake Factory wasn’t terribly busy so when Leonard and his guests were seated in her area Penny knew she’d be able to spend some time with them. She went over to meet them and take their order.

“Penny, this is Mike and Greg. I worked with them on the boat in the North Sea. Guys, this is my girlfriend Penny.”

“Nice to meet you guys. Leonard’s told me you all worked really hard all summer.”

“We heard a lot about you too, Penny. And saw a lot.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, sweetie. I showed them lots of pictures on my iPhone.”

“Okay? Well, let me take your orders. I already know what you’ll have, Leonard. And you two.”

“We’re simple folk. Cheeseburger and a coke.”

“Same for me.”

“OK. Back in a bit.”

As Penny walked away she heard Greg say, “Dude, she’s even hotter than the video. And you’re really sleeping with her?”

Penny heard Leonard proudly reply, “Yup” and decided she had a couple of questions she’d hold until later.

Penny finished her shift and went home, showered and changed. She walked over to Apartment 4A and found Leonard there by himself.

“Hi, sweetie. Where’s Sheldor?”

“He’s over at Amy’s. He won’t be back until later.”

“Good. It was nice meeting your friends from the boat. I have a question, though. What video of me were they talking about?”

“Um…”

“Leonard, that shouldn’t be a hard question to answer.”

“Um…”

“Spit it out, Leonard…”

“There’s this video on YouTube…”

“Which one? I love the bloopers from the hemorrhoid commercial.”

“Yeah, not that one.”

“Which one then?”

“Okay, when you first moved in Howard searched for you on the Internet and found a clip from a never-released movie called _Serial Apist_.”

“Yeah, Sheldon told me.”

“Well, that’s what they saw.”

“You showed it to them?”

“Yeah.”

“You showed them me in the shower naked?”

“Um, yeah?”

“And you didn’t think that I might have a problem with that?”

“Not until just now. I mean it’s on the Internet and you look beautiful.”

“Leonard, for a really smart guy you can be an incredible idiot.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Hmm. Let’s see. We’ve known each other for 7 years, right?”

“About that long.”

“And for a good portion of that time we’ve been dating, right?

“Yes.”

“And we’ve been intimate, sharing things with each other that we don’t share with our other friends, right?”

“Yeah!”

“But I’ve never, ever mentioned that movie to you, have I?”

“No.”

“Did you think there might be a reason for that?”

“Not really.”

“So it never occurred to you that something I never mentioned to you in all the time I’ve known you might be something I’m embarrassed about.”

“Penny, you have nothing to be embarrassed…”

“Beside the point, Leonard. I didn’t tell you about it. Why didn’t you tell me you knew about it?

“Ummm…”

“Could it be because somewhere in your brain you knew it was something I didn’t want to talk about?”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

“So based on that you decided that this video, that you pretty much concluded embarrassed me, that I didn’t want to talk to you about, was something that was okay for you to show a bunch of people that I’d never even met?”

“When you put it that way…”

“Excuse me, Leonard, but is there another way to put it?”

“It’s just that I’m proud of you and I wanted to show you off.”

“I’m sorry, Leonard, but there have been times that I’ve been proud of you but I was never inspired to show all my friends pictures of your cock.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you did.”

“Excuse me?”

“Penny, I think you’re blowing this all out of proportion.”

“Pretty unfortunate wording there. But I don’t think I’m doing that at all. From here on, whenever I meet someone you worked with on the boat I’ll know that they’ve seen me naked.”

“C’mon, not everybody.”

“Maybe you’ll need to give me a list. Which is shorter, the list of people from the boat who’ve seen me naked or the ones who didn’t?”

“Didn’t.”

“So “Mr. It’s sexier when things are left to the imagination” is okay with me being naked as long as you’re the one deciding who gets to see it.”

Leonard tried to deflect.

“But you don’t have to do that to show people how good an actress you…”

“You are unbelievable. Y’know, It isn’t enough to tell your new friends and co-workers that you have an incredible girlfriend, you have to show them a video of me doing a nude scene that I never even told you about…”

“But, Penny…”

“I’m not done. Ever since you got back from the boat you’ve been doing things that I’m not really okay with but I haven’t said anything.”

“Like what?”

“First thing you did when you got back was sneak into my apartment for sex.”

“I didn’t want Sheldon getting in the way.”

“He’s your best friend and he missed you.”

“I missed you more than I missed him.”

“What you missed was the sex.”

“That’s not true. I had lots of sex…”

“When?”

“Never mind.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I interrupted you.”

“You as much as said I was stupid during Raj’s scavenger hunt.”

“Um…”

“You used stories about your horrible childhood and to get me to pity fuck you. And we were sleeping together anyway. What the hell was that about?”

“I just wanted you to know more about me.”

“And you implied that I’m not romantic enough with you when I’m the one that brings all the romance to this relationship. You’re just interested in the sex.”

“That’s not true.”

“And what was the deal with Zack?”

“You married him!”

“It didn’t mean anything. I would have dealt with it but you wouldn’t let it go.”

“I’ve asked you to marry me repeatedly and you’ve said no every time. He asks you once and wham, bam you’re married.”

“We were drunk.”

“So if I get you drunk…”

“Not funny, Leonard.”

“What am I supposed to say? Everything I say to you is wrong.”

“That’s because it is wrong. You showed that video of me to your friends like I was some trophy of yours. I am not anyone’s trophy, Leonard.”

“I know that.”

“I don’t think that you do.”

“How do I fix this? Do you want a naked video of me to show your friends?”

“Leonard, none of my friends has any interest in seeing you naked. It’s not that impressive.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m figuring something out here, right now.”

“What?”

“I’m figuring out that while you love the package and enjoy showing me off you’re not exactly happy with the rest of me and you’re trying to change it.”

“That’s not true.”

“I don’t know. Your actions don’t support that statement.”

“Penny, come on. It’s not a big thing. We all have things we’re embarrassed about. There are some YouTube videos of me when I was trying to be a rapper. And there’s that one of me and Sheldon fighting.”

“Not even close to the same thing, Leonard.”

“What can I do to make this right?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure you can. I’m going to have to think about it. In the meantime you should probably just stay away from me.”

“But Penny…”

“I’m going home Leonard. Good night.”

When Penny got back to her apartment she made a phone call.

“Hello Howard. I wonder if you could do me a favor.”

“Sure, Penny. What?”

“I need you to try to make a video on YouTube disappear.”

“What video?”

“I think you know what video, Howard.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“I appreciate it. Thank you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**2 –**

 

Penny knew that everyone was over at 4A the next night but she really didn’t feel like dealing with Leonard. She was looking at a couple of scripts her agent sent over when she heard someone banging on her door and found herself looking at a very angry Bernadette.

 “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Um, I had just moved here and it was the first part I was offered and…’

“Not that. You’re a pretty actress. I assumed that sooner or later I’d see your tits and ass on the big screen. I just don’t like seeing it on my Howie’s computer screen. And that’s where it’s been for the last day.”

“Howard is the one who first found it. I thought he’d be the best one to help me get rid of it.”

“I don’t want him going back to being the perv he used to be. And you’re making him go to parts of the Internet that I don’t want him going to.”

“Fine. Tell Howard that I’ll find another way to deal with it.”

“Okay. I’m going back over to tell him. And I hope you can find another way to get rid of it.”

“Bye, Bernadette. Um, thanks for your support.”

A few minutes later Amy Farrah Fowler came to Penny’s door.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Serial Apist? I’m your bestie.”

“I didn’t really tell anyone Amy. I was hoping it would just go away. And I certainly didn’t expect my boyfriend to be showing it to everyone he meets.”

“Well, I for one don’t understand the problem.”

“Excuse me?”

“What could be wrong with Leonard showing the whole world how beautiful you are?”

“Okay Amy. We’re dealing with two different issues here. One is that there’s something on YouTube from a movie that I was in before I knew what I was doing and I’m very happy that the movie ended up not getting released. Unfortunately there’s a clip of me from the movie on YouTube and in it I’m naked in a shower. I’m embarrassed about it and I’d prefer that nobody saw it.”

“I don’t really understand why. You certainly have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Amy, you don’t understand very much about show business but that kind of thing could affect the kinds of roles I could possibly get.”

“But you’re not getting any roles. Wouldn’t being naked in a movie be better than not being in a movie at all?”

“No, Amy, it wouldn’t.”

“I know I’d like to see it. Everyone else has.”

“I thought you might and I prefer that you don’t. Can you respect that please?”

“I also don’t understand why you have a problem with Leonard over this. He’s proud of you and he wanted to show you off to the people on the boat.”

“Amy, again, this is something you don’t know very much about. I never told Leonard about the clip. I never invited him to watch it. I never said it was okay to show it to other people. It makes me seem like I’m a possession of his.”

“But I’m sure that lots of people have watched it on YouTube. Why can’t he?”

“Amy, I think this might be something that you just won’t understand.”

“But, Penny, I want to understand. Just let me have the link and I’ll try to understand the problem you have with it.”

“You just want to see it, don’t you?”

“Well, yes.”

“Well, find it yourself then. And don’t ever, ever speak to me about it again. Good night.”

Amy went back over to the boys’ apartment. Penny slumped on her couch and started to cry. None of her friends seemed to understand why she had a problem with Leonard’s actions. A little while later…

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

“Go away, Sheldon.”

“Penny, I brought you a cup of tea. I know you’re upset and I’d like to try to help.”

“It’s open.”

“Penny, I really do want to help. I think I understand what’s going on.”

“Well, Sheldon, you’d be the first one of my friends who does.”

“You told me over the summer that you were ashamed of having done that scene in Serial Apist. And even though I revealed that we’ve all seen it I know I’m the only one that you’ve ever spoken to about it.”

“That’s right.”

“So Leonard taking it upon himself to share it with strangers is a sort of violation of your relationship.”

“Oh my God. You do understand.”

“There are things that have happened to me over the years that I’ve never told anyone about. I’d hate it if someone were to find out about them and then tell everyone.”

“Sheldon. You actually do get it. What should I do? I’m so confused.”

“Well, I think you have to make Leonard understand that he violated your trust. I’m not sure that will be easy. He doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. He believes he was, in his words, ‘proud of his hot girlfriend’.”

“Sheldon, do you understand that makes me seem like some kind of object that he trots out to impress others.”

“I do. I feel that way when Gabelhauser introduces me to possible donors.”

“How do I make Leonard understand?”

“I don’t know that you can. Leonard very much identifies through the people he’s with, especially though those he dates. It’s because of his feelings of inadequacy. His mother and I have discussed this many times.”

“So you think it’s hopeless.”

“It may be.”

“Should I break up with him?”

“Penny, you know that I’ve felt that this relationship has been doomed from the start. I didn’t understand why the two of you got back together. And even though I asked you not to hurt him I have watched him hurt you repeatedly and treat you disrespectfully. If you were to decide to break up with Leonard over this I would support you.”

“Oh thank you, sweetie. That really means a lot.”

“Penny, you know that I believe in homeostasis. I’m not a fan of change. But you are my friend and you are not happy. You’ve been better since you rededicated yourself to your craft but Leonard has never given you his wholehearted support in that regard. Please understand that you have mine. No matter what happens I am your friend and I am here for you.”

“Oh, Sheldon.”

“Please don’t cry, Penny. I don’t know what to do when you cry.”

Sheldon handed Penny a box of tissues that was on the table. Penny wiped her tears.

“Sheldon, you’re a good friend. I appreciate your advice and now I have a lot to think about but I think I know what I have to do.”

Penny was successful in avoiding Leonard for the next week. He kept texting her and inviting her over to 4A but luckily she had a couple of auditions to prepare for and that took up a lot of her time. She just couldn’t get her mind around what Leonard had done. It was just such a…a violation. But her friend’s reactions really surprised her.

Of course Leonard told everyone about the situation, assuming that they’d take his side. “After all,” he said, “I didn’t put the clip on the Internet. It’s not my responsibility. Anybody can find it.” Even though Howard had promised Bernadette that he’d stop helping Penny eliminate the clip from the Internet he sent Penny a text a couple of days later telling her he’d been reasonably successful and asked her not to say anything to Bernadette. Raj promised Penny that he’d never looked at it since Howard first found it and never would. Sheldon told Penny that Amy nagged Leonard for the link and he’d given it to her. Penny started to think a lot about her relationship with Amy and Bernadette and concluded that even though she loved them, she needed to start spending time with some other women who maybe understood her a little better and could be a little more supportive. Penny met someone in her history class named Nora and they’d hit it off. She was also an actress. And Penny really appreciated Sheldon’s reaction and support.

Finally Penny was ready to speak with Leonard again.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**3 –**

Penny texted Leonard and asked him to come over after work. He arrived carrying flowers and candy.

“Thank you for coming, Leonard.”

“So, I’m forgiven.”

“Not until you can explain to me what my problem is.”

“I don’t really understand what your problem is. You’re a beautiful woman and you’re my girlfriend and I want to show you off.”

“So why didn’t you ever mention to me that you knew about _Serial Apist_?”

“Ummm.”

“And you don’t have a problem with me being naked in that movie.”

“Well, since it was before you even knew me and it was never even released, no.”

“Good, because I have some news.”

“What?”

“I got a part in a Showtime series.”

“Which one?”

“It’s called _Masters of Sex_ and it’s about sex researchers in the 1950s.”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“Well, it’s not the kind of thing you’d watch.”

“So what part do you play? Are you a scientist?”

“No. I play one of the subjects.”

“So they interview you about sex and stuff.”

“Kind of. I also have sex on screen and masturbate.”

“They can’t show that on TV.”

“They can show enough. I’d at least be topless, maybe completely naked.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Penny. That could really hurt your career.”

“I don’t think so. The critics have said really good things about the show. It’s been nominated for awards and there are some really good actors and actresses in it.”

“So you’d be naked by yourself?”

“I’d be simulating sex with an actor.”

“What actor?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t been cast.”

“Penny, I think this is a really bad idea. Your parents would never approve.”

“I spoke with my mom and dad and they’re okay with it. They understand that it ‘s a risk I need to take.”

“Well, I want to be there to make sure there’s no funny business.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean no you can’t be there.”

“Then you can’t accept the part. Call your agent first thing in the morning.”

“I’ve already accepted the part. They’re sending me the script tomorrow.”

“I forbid it.”

“Excuse me?”

“My girlfriend is not going to be naked in front of millions of people.”

“That’s not your decision to make.”

“I think it is.”

“So, let me understand. It’s okay for you to show a bunch of people a clip of me naked but it’s not okay for me to decide to accept an acting part that does that.”

“Yeah. It’s not.”

“That’s what I thought. As long as it works for you it’s fine. If it’s for me it’s not.”

“It’s not that simple, Penny.”

“Actually it is.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I haven’t really gotten the part yet. But based on what you’ve said I am going after it as hard as I’ve ever gone after anything.”

“So why did you lie to me?”

“I wanted to see if you’re as big a selfish hypocrite as I thought you were. Guess what?”

“If you take that part, Penny, then we’re over.”

“Thank you, Leonard, for making this easy. And, um, since I have a feeling that you’ve downloaded that clip I want your solemn word that you will erase it and never look at it again.”

“Well I won’t really need to since you’ll be fucking all over cable.”

Penny teared up a little and then hauled off and slapped Leonard across the face.

“Okay, bucko, we are over. Now get the hell out. And if you pull any of your bros before hoes crap I will kick Little Leonard so far up into your throat you’ll have to open your mouth to pee. Got it?”

Leonard turned ghostly white, turned around and ran out of Penny’s apartment.

Penny felt an odd sense of relief. She sat down on her couch and got out her phone.

**< Sheldon, I could go for a cup of tea.>**

**< I’ll be right over.>**

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

“C’mon in, Sheldon. It’s open.”

“I was going to make tea in my apartment and bring it over but Leonard is stomping around like an elephant with a monstrous scowl on his face. Have you terminated your relationship with him?”

“Actually, I kinda made him break up with me.”

“Are you upset?”

“Y’know, I’m not. I’m… relieved. That’s it, relieved.”

“I brought my box of teas and other necessary implements, but it seems you’re not upset at all. Would you still like some tea?”

“I would. I like watching you prepare it.”

“Penny, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, but how did you get Leonard to break up with you?”

“I told a little lie.”

“I don’t understand.”

“When I quit working at The Cheesecake Factory I told my agent to send me to any auditions she could, except for porn. That included some parts that required partial or complete nudity.”

“Were you actually going to consider such roles?”

“I don’t know. Probably not, but I wanted to see what was out there, what was available. If there was a really good part I thought maybe I’d take a shot and make the decision if and when I got it.”

“Alright?”

“Anyway, one of the scripts she sent me was for this show called _Masters of Sex_ which I’ve watched a few episodes of and it’s really, really good and has really respectable people in it and they take their clothes off so I was kind considering taking a shot. Anyway I told Leonard I actually got the part and would be naked and having sex with a guy on screen.”

“How did he react?”

“He flipped out. First he said it was a bad idea. Then he said my parents wouldn’t like it. Then he said he’d have to be on set when I did it. And when I said no he forbade me from doing it.”

“Really?”

“He actually said ‘I forbid it!’ and then when I pointed out that it seemed to be okay when he decided people could see me naked but not okay for me to make that decision he said if I accepted the part that we were over. I told him I was going after the part.”

“I’m impressed. You manipulated him into breaking up with you.”

“I’m kinda proud of myself.”

“So you’re not planning to consume massive amounts of alcohol and weep incessantly?”

“Nope. I’m gonna let him do that.”

“And when he comes to you begging you to take him back, because you know he will?”

“It is finally and absolutely over. I promise. I’ll marry you before I even consider going on a single date with him.”

Sheldon looked alarmed and a little upset.

“Penny?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Moonpie. I made that sound like marrying you would be a horrible fate. I don’t believe that at all.”

“Though I have never considered a permanent relationship with anyone, if I were to, I would certainly consider one with you to be optimal.”

“Why Sheldon, if I didn’t know you better I’d think you just said something romantic to me. But aren’t you considering Amy as the future Mrs. Sheldon Cooper.”

“Though Amy and I have been boyfriend and girlfriend for quite some time there are things about her that bother me. She is constantly attempting to change my behavior. She has made little effort to appreciate the things I enjoy and derides them at every opportunity. I do believe she would much prefer it if I were to eschew comic books and science fiction entirely.”

“Sheldon, if you gave up the things you love than you wouldn’t be you anymore.”

“I agree. It is much like what Leonard was doing with you. His support of your acting endeavors has always been half-hearted at best. My belief is that were you to marry him he would keep you busy with housework and childrearing and appearing on his arm at functions and have you give up your dreams. Your dreams are what make you you. During the past few years, when you have been devoted to your relationship with Leonard above all things it seemed to me as though the brightness had left your emerald eyes. It made me quite sad.”

“Sheldon, why didn’t you say anything?”

“It seemed as though it was what you wanted. And Amy Farrah Fowler insisted that you were happy in your relationship.”

“Yeah, that’s another problem.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Okay, since I quit working I cut way down on my drinking.”

“I noticed.”

“Anyway, it gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking. Amy and Bernadette were constantly talking to me about being with Leonard and staying with Leonard and it makes me think they were a lot more invested in the relationship than I was. There were a bunch of times I thought about ending it and they convinced me not to.”

“I admit my own guilt in that regard also.”

“You’ve already apologized for that and I forgive you. I just think Amy and Bernie, for their own reasons, really want me to be with Leonard and, to be honest, they haven’t been very good friends. They didn’t support me when they should have.”

“I wish I could disagree.”

“I think that for a bunch of reasons, I need to expand my group of friends.”

“Penny, you are aware that I have always been more comfortable with a small group of friends and it is largely through your efforts that group has expanded.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“You shouldn’t be. It was right that I expand my circle. I am a better person for it. However, as my circle has expanded yours has contracted to the point that it seems to only include our group.”

“I know.”

“Penny, you are much more adept socially than I am, than any of us are. It is one of the most attractive things about you. You need to know a lot of people. I believe Leonard and his insecurities and his jealousy did not permit that.”

“I think you’re probably right.”

“I believe that it is Leonard’s desire that he be the center of your life and for a time you have allowed that to be the case. Now that the relationship is over you must get out and about, as it were. I only regret that it will result in your presence in my life being reduced.”

“Sheldon, you’re my best friend. I simply won’t allow that to happen. If we need to adjust our schedules so that we have regular Sheldon and Penny time we’ll do that. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Okay. So, I really need your advice.”

“On what?”

“Getting back to the _Masters of Sex_ thing. Should I go after it?”

“Is it truly a significant opportunity?”

“I think it really could be one.”

“How do you feel about the nudity?”

“Well, ever since _Serial Apist_ I’ve always said I’d prefer not to do it but if it really made sense for the story and it wasn’t gratuitous I’d consider it.”

“Is this such a situation?”

“It could be. The part is much more than just being naked. It’s a real character with a real story. There is real acting involved.”

“Than I believe you’ve answered your own question.”

“So I should try for it.”

“Penny, if you are able to light up the television screen like you’ve lit up my world for the past seven years than you will be triumphant and successful and whether or not you are clothed will be irrelevant.”

“Can I hug you?”

“You may.”

 

_Next: We meet Penny’s new friend Nora._

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

5

 

The next morning Penny was getting ready to go to the gym when her phone rang.

“Hi Penny.”

“Hey, Nora. What’s up?”

“I need to ask a favor.”

“Sure. What?”

“I need a place to stay for a little bit.”

Penny hadn’t known Nora for very long but she could tell something was off.

“Nora, what’s wrong.”

“I wasn’t feeling well so I left work early last night and when I got home I found Wendy in bed with another woman.”

“Oh, Nora. What did you do?”

“I left. I walked around for a while and then I slept in my car.”

“You should have called me.”

“I knew you had your own crap going on last night and I didn’t want to bother you. How did that go by the way?”

“Probably about as well as it could. I’m single.”

“So can I crash with you?”

“Absolutely.”

“It won’t be for long.”

“Let’s figure that out later. When will you be here?”

“I need to go to Wendy’s place and get some stuff. She’ll be at work in a couple of hours. I’ll go then. I’m just not ready for a scene.”

“That works. I’m headed to the gym for a bit. If I’m gonna do what I think I’m gonna do I’ll need to spend quite a bit of time at the gym.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ll explain later. Listen, it may not be terribly comfortable. My couch is kinda small and you probably don’t want to be the Tall Man from Cornwall.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ll explain later. There’s probably a bunch of stuff I’ll need to explain.”

“Thanks, Penny. I really appreciate it. I could really use a friend.”

“I was thinking the very same thing. See ya later.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

6

 

After Penny returned from the gym, where she’d worked out harder than she had in a long time, she returned home. She was watching another episode of _Masters of Sex_ on cable when there was a knock on her door. Expecting Nora, Penny was surprised to find Amy Farrah Fowler and Bernadette with a bottle of wine.

“We’re here to console you now that Leonard has kicked you to the curb.”

“I really don’t need consoling… _and did he really say that_.”

“He did. And more. He said you are bent on self-destruction and there was no way he could stop you so he ended the relationship.”

“That little creep!”

“So we have arrived with wine in hand to support you as you drink yourself into oblivion and shed your tears. And then we’ll aid you in reconciling with him.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Which part?”

“Actually, none of it. No wine. No tears. And definitely no reconciling with Leonard.”

“But you love him.”

“That may have been true once, but it certainly isn’t now.”

“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. From what I understand, all you need to do is tell Leonard that you won’t be naked on that show and he’ll take you back.”

“He said that?”

“That’s what Howie told me he said.”

“First of all, Leonard and I will never be getting back together.”

“Penny, I’m sure that you’re just in shock. After all, you couldn’t have expected him to end your relationship over this.”

“Amy, I made him end the relationship over this. It was my idea. I just made him think it was his.”

Bernadette looked incredulous.

“Penny, now I don’t understand. You’ve been in love with Leonard for forever. When he was with Priya you didn’t even date because you were holding out hope that he’d come back to you. When he finally asked you out I never saw you happier. And you said that he was the thing you were most passionate about…

There was a knock at the door and Penny went to answer. A woman about Penny’s height and build but brunette and not quite as beautiful walked in carrying a couple of suitcases. Ignoring Amy and Bernadette Penny hugged Nora tightly.

“Hi, Nora. How’re you doing?”

“Better now that I’m here.”

“Um, guys, this is my friend Nora from school. Nora, this is Amy and Bernadette. Nora’s going to be staying with me for a while.”

“Penny, if you need a roommate I’d be overjoyed to move in with you.”

“Um, thanks Amy, but I’m not really looking for a roommate. Nora just needs a place to stay so she’s staying with me.”

“For how long?”

“Amy, that’s kind of between me and Nora and not really any of your business.”

“But I’m your bestie. Of course it’s my business. Besides, won’t having a roommate make it more difficult to reconcile with Leonard?”

“I told you that me and Leonard are over.”

“Penny, I agree with Amy. You’ve said that before but you two always get back together. It’s like destiny.”

Nora looked at Penny.

“Dude, I absolutely get the problem.”

“Thanks, Nora. Okay, let’s all sit down.”

Bernadette opened the bottle of wine they brought and poured glasses for herself, Amy and Penny.

“Nora, would you like some wine?”

“Thank you, no. I don’t drink.”

“Well you probably ought to start if you’re going to staying with Penny.”

“Excuse me, Bernie? Are you saying I’m some kind of lush?”

“Well you certainly do like your wine.”

“So you didn’t notice that since I quit The Cheesecake Factory I pretty much stopped drinking.”

“Sure, but we figured that since Leonard dumped you that you’d want to kick it up a notch or ten.”

“I’m not upset over this. Have you even taken a second to understand how he violated our relationship?”

“So he showed a bunch of people your naked body and didn’t say anything? Big whoop!”

“Penny, I viewed the clip in question. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I actually found it quite exciting.”

“Excuse me. I don’t know you two very well but I would think that as Penny’s friends you’d be supportive of her decision. And Amy, what you said was just plain creepy.”

“I don’t understand why you would think that my physical attraction to my best friend is, as you said, creepy. We are very close. Our mensies are even in sync.”

“Speaking as someone who has been attracted to and slept with women I can absolutely say without reservation that what you said was creepy.”

“Nora, are you a lesbian?”

“I don’t label myself, Amy. If I’m attracted to someone I just go with it. I don’t really pay much attention to the packaging.”

“So Penny, has your broken heart now driven you to lesbianism. Is that why Nora is moving in?”

“Amy, I’m starting to get really uncomfortable with what you’re saying and what you’re implying.”

“I apologize if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I just always assumed that if you developed Sapphic tendencies you’d come to me first rather that go to a stranger.”

“That’s it. Amy, get the hell out of my apartment.”

“But I’m your bestie. It was my understanding that relationship requires brutal honesty.”

“I so wish I didn’t have to say this but you may think that you’re my best friend, but I don’t think that at all. The whole thing was your idea and maybe I was just too nice a person to stop you.”

“Then who is your bestie, this Nora person?”

“Even though I haven’t known Nora very long, she’s been a better friend to me than you’ve been lately. But she’s not my best friend. Sheldon is my best friend.”

“He may be my boyfriend, but even I know that Sheldon Cooper is incapable of that level of friendship. He will be once I finish training him but he isn’t now.”

“Training him?”

“Yes, it’s part of my five-year plan. Once I’ve rid him of all of his childish habits…”

“Childish habits?”

“Yes, his love of comic books and Star Trek Wars and the like. They are unbecoming the world class intellect that he will become.”

“Those are the things that make him Sheldon.”

“Well, I am dedicated to ridding him of them and now you will join that list. It’s all holding him back.”

“You’re wrong, Amy. And you’re going to end up getting hurt.”

“I don’t see any reason to listen to you in this regard, Penny. You are a failed actress who is about to resort to taking off her clothes for fleeting fame. I, on the other hand, am a renowned neuroscientist. Sheldon will obviously stay with me and like Leonard, kick you to the curb.”

Bernadette looked shocked.

“Amy, you don’t mean that. Please apologize to Penny.”

“I will not. I now regret that I ever befriended her. She is beneath all of us and I will never understand what Leonard and Sheldon thought when they befriended her. I am leaving.”

Amy marched to the door and slammed it closed behind her.

“Penny, I’m really sorry. I’m sure she’ll come around and apologize.”

“She doesn’t need to, Bernadette. What she said sounded a lot like what Leonard said and I’m probably better off without her in my life, too. I just feel really sorry for Sheldon.”

“Okay, well I’m gonna go. Amy drove us here. She’s my ride.”

“Well, Bye Bernadette. Do me a favor. Take the wine.”

Bernadette, looking a bit sad, walked out the door and penny closed it behind her.

“So, those were your two best friends?”

“Best female friends. But, yup.”

“I can see why you were drinking so much. Is it always this exciting around here?”

“Lately, yeah. Visit Penny’s. Come for the couch. Stay for the fireworks.”

“Speaking of the couch, you’re right. It doesn’t look terribly comfortable. The couch over at Wendy’s is mine and it’s big enough to sleep on. It’s even the same color. If you don’t mind I could get a couple of guys at work to bring it over, maybe tomorrow.”

“Works for me. If you promise you aren’t going to go all lesbo on me we could share my bed tonight.”

“Penny!”

“Kidding. I trust you, Nora. And I’d certainly share a bed with you before I’d share one with Amy.”

“So now that you’ve driven off Leonard and Amy, who by the way looks more like a dyke than any dyke I’ve ever met, do you have any friends left that I’ll get to meet.”

“Well, there’s Sheldon. He lives across the hall with Leonard. And then there’s Howard, Bernadette’s husband and Raj. Howard’s kind of an acquired taste but he’s a good guy. And Raj is a sweetie. Unless he’s drinking. Then he’s kind of a jerk. But I think you’ll like Sheldon. And he’ll love that you’re into comic books. I don’t think the guys have ever met a girl who was into that stuff.”

“What about you?”

“I try but a lot of the stuff I just don’t get.”

“Well, maybe I’ll have to help you with that. Penny, I kind noticed something.”

“What?”

“When you were arguing with that Amy about Sheldon I thought I saw something. You really care about him, don’t you?”

“Sheldon is probably my best friend in the world. It’s really weird. We’re so very different but he gets me better than any of them and he’s always been there for me. And even though it seemed like an imposition at first, I want to be there for him.”

“But just as friends?”

“He’s with Amy. I don’t poach.”

“From what she said, if he’s really your best friend you may want to reconsider that.”

“Can we not talk about this? I have enough crap I need to figure out. And you probably do too. Did you eat?”

“Wanna order a pizza?”

“Sounds good.”

After they ate Penny and Nora talked way into the night. About pretty much everything. Old boyfriends. Old girlfriends. Home. Omaha for Penny. Portland for Nora. Their families. Parts they’d been up for. In the middle of their conversation they changed for bed and continued talking there until they just fell asleep.

 

_Next: Nora meets Sheldon_

 


	7. Chapter 7

7 –

 

Penny woke up the next morning to find herself being spooned by Nora, who was still asleep. It felt really comfortable in a completely non-sexual way. It occurred to Penny that this was exactly how having a best girlfriend should feel and it gave her a really warm glow.

Penny extricated herself from Nora and went to the bathroom and took a shower and then got dressed. She wasn’t exactly sure what her plans were for the day but she knew that at some point it would include a trip to the gym and putting her couch in basement storage.

She was starting to prepare breakfast when…

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

She let Sheldon in.

“Sheldon keep it down. Nora’s still asleep.”

“Did you and Nora satisfy your Sapphic tendencies last night?”

“What?”

“Amy Farrah Fowler led me to believe that your friend convinced you to partake in female on female coitus. She seemed quite disturbed by this.”

“Amy wished that was what happened. Sheldon, please listen. Nora is my friend. Nora sometimes has relationships with women. We are only friends. We shared my bed last night and we talked and slept. That’s all.”

“I assume that Nora that because she did not wish to reenact the Tall Man from Cornwall either.”

“You are absolutely right, Moonpie.”

“Penny, only my MeeMaw…”

“Yeah, yeah. Would you like some breakfast?”

“Thank you. I’ve already eaten. I wouldn’t mind some juice. And I brought some milk over. I assumed that you’d prefer not coming over to steal it.”

“Thank you, sweetie. That was very thoughtful of you. Please excuse my back as I get breakfast ready.”

“Alright. Amy Farrah Fowler is quite angry at you. She demanded that I terminate our friendship.”

“Is that what you’re here to do Sheldon?”

“No. I told her you had done nothing that warranted such an action.”

“What did she say to that?”

“She maintained that you denigrating her relationship with you qualified as grounds.”

“Does it?”

“I informed her that there is nothing in my relationship agreement with her or my friendship agreement with you that specifies “denigration of relationship” as grounds for termination.”

“I never signed that agreement, Sheldon.”

“I still abide by it.”

“Hey Penny, where are your extra towels. I need to take a shower.”

<silence>

After a couple of seconds of silence penny turned around and saw either the funniest or the most horrifying thing she’d ever seen.

In front of Penny stood a shocked Sheldon Cooper staring at a completely naked Nora Glass, who was making absolutely no effort to cover herself.

Something made Penny just stay silent, watching to see just how long the tableau would last.

After what seemed like five minutes but was probably less than one Sheldon put his hands over his eyes.

“Penny!?!?”

“Sheldon, this is my friend Nora Glass. Nora, this is Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. Nora, would you please put something on. I think you may have broken him.”

“Towel?”

“Penny’s clean towels are likely in the laundry basket on the floor since she has probably failed to return them to the third shelf on the left in her closet since doing laundry on Saturday.”

“Sheldon’s right, Nora. Go ahead and take your shower and please get dressed. In the meantime I’ll attempt to repair Sheldon.”

“I’m not broken, Penny.”

“I was kidding, Sheldon. If you were really broken I’d be on the phone to your Mom in Texas. I have her on speed dial.”

“I’m aware.”

“Please excuse Nora. I’m sure she didn’t realize you were here or she would have worn something.”

“Should I leave?”

“I’d prefer you didn’t. I’d like you guys to meet in a more wearing clothes way. I kind of think you’ll get along. Nora’s a big comic book fan.”

“I find that difficult to believe. I have been purchasing comic books for a very long time and I have never seen anyone who looks like Nora in any shop I have ever visited.”

“Well, most people buy comic books with their clothes on, thank God.”

“That would be correct. But I assume Nora would appear quite nice clothed also.”

“What about at Comic Con?”

“Many of the beautiful women at Comic Con are paid to appear there.”

“So you think Nora is beautiful?”

“She is not as beautiful as you, Penny, but she is quite comely nonetheless.”

“Thank you, Sheldon.”

At that point Nora exited Penny’s bedroom drying her hair with a towel and wearing shorts and a Wonder Woman tank top.

“Okay, let’s try this again. Nora Glass. Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon Cooper. Nora Glass.”

“Sheldon, I’m very glad to meet you and I apologize for what happened a few minutes ago. I didn’t realize we had company.”

“Your apology is accepted. And may I say you look nothing like what Amy Farrah Fowler led me to expect.”

“Sheldon, what did Amy say?”

“She claimed that Nora was all over you staking a claim of some kind and that she was some sort of she-devil.”

“I think Amy is a bit jealous of Nora.”

“Penny, I believe jealousy would be a serious understatement. Amy, in a very short time, has grown to despise Nora and feels that she has corrupted you and brought you into the world of lesbianism from whence you may never return. She expects that you will now cut off all of your hair, pierce many parts of your body with odd metallic trinkets, and join marauding bands of women in the streets of Pasadena searching for males to castrate. She is certain that Leonard would be first with me to follow shortly thereafter.”

“Not really planning to do that, Sheldon.”

“I did not believe you were. I am only relating what Amy Farrah Fowler believes. Oh, and apparently Leonard also believes it. You may wish to call your parents and assuage their concerns.”

“Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me that Leonard was calling my folks when you first came in.”

“I was about to when Nora… distracted me.”

“Whoops.”

“Okay. Breakfast is ready, Nora. And I’m going into my room to call my folks and assure them that I have not become a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Okay, sweetie. I’ll just keep Sheldon company out here. So Sheldon, am I the first woman you’ve seen naked?”

“Absolutely not. I have seen my twin sister Missy but not since we used to bathe together. And there was also Leonard’s grandmother with Alzheimer’s. I would have much preferred to not have an eidetic memory that day. And I was tricked into bathing Amy Farrah Fowler when she feigned illness. And there’s Penny.”

“You’ve seen Penny naked?”

“Some time back Penny slipped in her tub due to a lack of whimsical ducks. As I was the only one at home it became necessary for me to assist her in getting out of the tub and to then dress her and take her to the hospital. Though I attempted to keep my eyes closed at her request I must admit I peeked.”

“So you saw her “Courage” tattoo.”

“I did indeed see her tattoo. But it does not say “courage.” It says “Soup.” Did she tell you about her tattoo?”

“She did. But I also saw it when we went to the gym and showered together after. That’s kind of why I thought it was okay to walk out hear not wearing anything before.”

“May I say that I appreciated your tattoo also? I have always enjoyed The Muppets.”

“So you saw my Fozzie Bear?”

“How could I not?”

“Point taken. You know that Penny also has a Muppet tattoo?”

“I was unaware. It must be a more recent addition.”

“Penny and I had already figured out we liked each other when we met at school, but when we went to the gym and she saw my Fozzie Bear and I saw her Cookie Monster we just knew we had to be friends. Sheldon, I’m really sorry for shocking you before. I know that you’re very important to Penny and I’d really like us to be friends, too.”

“I accept your apology. May I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you have romantic intentions regarding Penny?”

“Wow. You get right to the point. No. I do not have romantic intentions regarding Penny. I want to be her friend. And based on what I saw from your friend Amy yesterday, she could really use a friend now.”

“I agree. Unfortunately I believe Penny has been ill served by her so-called friends, including myself, for quite some time now. I hope you are able to do a better job than we have.”

“Sheldon, don’t sell yourself short. Penny thinks of you as her best friend and I think that it’s probably true. May I ask you a question?”

“I encourage you to ask as many as you can.”

“Do you have romantic intentions regarding Penny?”

“Though I regard Penny very highly, just below my MeeMaw and mother, I am currently bound by my relationship agreement with Amy Farrah Fowler.”

“You didn’t answer my question, Sheldon.”

“Penny does not like cheaters. She is my best friend.”

At that point Penny came out of the bedroom.

“Well that was fun.”

“Were you able to mollify you parents?”

“If that means did I convince them to never accept a call from Leonard again, I’d say yes.”

“How were you able to do that?”

“I told my father what Leonard did on the boat. Leonard should pray that he never runs into my father again. Remember my father said he liked Leonard and wanted us to work things out?”

“I recall that Leonard used to often play that card in order to attempt to secure coitus rights with you.”

“Yeah, well my father suggested that I do something to Leonard that would seriously impact his ability to carry on the Hofstadter line. And Sheldon…?

“Yes, Penny.”

“Please avoid saying coitus in my presence ever again. Call it sex, or making love or even fucking but please don’t call it coitus.”

“I shall attempt to comply with your request.”

“Sheldon, may I ask you another question?”

“That was, in fact, another question, Nora.”

“Alright. Isn’t you being over here going to get you in trouble with your girlfriend?”

“Probably.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Over the years I have learned a great deal about social interaction from Penny. I am currently attempting to follow the example she set in her most recent relationship termination with Leonard.”

“Which is?”

“I have decided to try to make Amy Farrah Fowler break up with me.”

“Sheldon, you don’t have to do that for me.”

“Penny, while there are any number of things I would happily do for you I believe my motivations in this regard are quite selfish.”

“I don’t understand, sweetie.”

“Amy has, over the past several months, alluded to a plan she has for our relationship, and for me in particular.”

“I know. And, to be honest, I think it’s a little creepy.”

“Penny, I have queried Amy about her plan and she has always said that she wants me to be more physically expressive with but I suspect there is more. Are you aware of any other details or would that be a violation of your best friendship with her.”

“Sheldon, let me be very clear about something. You are my best friend. You were my best friend before Amy came into the picture and, even though it’s been a bit tough more recently because of Leonard and Amy, you are still my best friend. When Amy declared that we were best friends I was not in a great place and I went along with it rather than rock the boat. I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, consider her my bestie now, and I’m not sure we are even friends at all. That being said, Amy said some things to us yesterday about her plans for you that scare the bejeesus out of me.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“She doesn’t think that comic books and science fiction movies and toys have any place in the life of the Sheldon she intends to be with and she intends to get them out of your life.”

“She may try, just as she did with my supposed closure phobia, but she will not succeed.”

“Sheldon, you understand that her even trying to do that shows real disrespect for you and who you are, right?”

“I do. That is why I came to the my conclusion.”

“Okay, I may be new around here, but can’t you just break up with her, Sheldon? That’s what I’d do. Heck, I’ve broken up with someone for a lot less.”

“I wish it were that simple.”

“Nora, Sheldon believes very strongly in contracts, even relationship contracts. We can discuss why later. But unless that contract is violated he will not terminate the relationship. And I guess Amy hasn’t violated the contract yet, has she?”

“She has not. That is why I believe I need your help.”

“Sheldon, do you trust me?”

“You know that I do.”

“Okay, because I think I have an idea. It may take a little while. Nora, would you be willing to help out?”

“Absolutely. Especially if it means teaching that manipulative little bitch a lesson.”

“Okay. Sheldon, are you okay with seeing more of Nora.”

“Penny, I believe I’ve already seen all of Nora.”

“Good point. I mean socially.”

“As in dating? Penny, I could not cheat on Amy Farrah Fowler. That is in the relationship agreement primarily because you taught me that cheaters are very bad people.”

“You’re right, Sheldon. Thank you. But this wouldn’t be cheating. This would just be spending time with someone who you have common interests with. You like comic books. Nora likes comic books. I’m sure that there are other things you have in common.”

“We have you.”

“Yes you do. And you always will, sweetie. Nora, do you still have Wednesdays off?

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

8

 

_Going back a few minutes, let’s listen in on Penny’s conversation with her dad._

“Hi Daddy.”

“Hey, Slugger. What’s up?”

“C’mon, Dad. You know you were expecting this call.”

“I was. But obviously you have something you want to say. Go ahead.”

“There’s a few things we need to talk about. Okay?”

“Sure. How about you try one at a time?”

“They all sort of relate, but here goes. I’m not with Leonard anymore.”

“Okay.”

“He did something that I think was really wrong and he refuses to see that.”

“Go ahead, honey.”

“Okay, part of this goes back a while. When I first moved out her, when I was still with Kurt, I got a part in a movie. It was a small part but I was really excited that I got something so soon so I did it. I never said anything because the movie never actually came out. Anyway I did this scene. In a shower.”

“Yeah. With the gorilla.”

“You know?”

“Penny, we live in Nebraska, not a cave. I’ve been on the Internet for a few years now. I’m on Facebook. I even freakin’ tweet, for gosh sakes. You think I wouldn’t have alerts set for my daughter in California who’s trying to be an actress? You think I wouldn’t do a search every once in a while? Of course we know about it. Heck, I downloaded the darn thing.”

“Daddy! Why didn’t you say something?”

“Penny, you were being really brave by moving out there. There isn’t anything for you here. And no matter what your mom says she knows that too. So the brave thing you did was wrapped in a mistake named Kurt and went on for way too long. I also knew that Kurt wouldn’t be the only mistake you made. When I found that thing on YouTube I figured it was just another mistake and you’d eventually tell us about it.”

“So you think I’ve just been making mistake after mistake out here.”

“Stop it. That is NOT what I’m saying. Maybe I’m just saying it wrong. Instead of a mistake let’s call it a bump in the road. You hit it but you’ve kept on going which is exactly what you should be doing. Life is full of bumps in the road. One of yours just happened in a shower with a gorilla. You got past it. And I’m happy that you did.”

“Wow. I guess I thought I’d get more crap from you about it.”

“Life is short, honey. I pick my battles.”

“Okay. So you remember when Leonard went away to the North Sea last summer?”

“Yeah?”

“A couple of his friends from the boat came to Pasadena a couple of weeks ago and they said something that sounded a bit strange about me in a video. When I asked him about it, after he tried to change the subject a couple of times. Then he finally admitted that he showed that clip whenever he wanted to tell someone about his girlfriend the hot actress.”

“Remember when I said Leonard was smarter than the dumbassses you used to date back here?”

“Yeah?”

“I take it back. He’s an idiot.”

“When I called him on it he didn’t see the problem. He still doesn’t. So it’s over.”

“That pretty much explains the call. He wants to use me to get you to take him back. Again.”

“Yup.”

“If you get back together with him, I’m coming out there and I will drag you back home. That Leonard may be the biggest bump in the road so far. Maybe even bigger that Kurt.”

“Thanks, Daddy. I promise that I won’t be getting back together with him. At this point I’m not even speaking to him.”

“Good.”

“Okay, there’s more. I quit The Cheesecake Factory.”

“About freaking time!”

“Huh?”

“Honey, you moved out to California to be an actress, not a waitress. You were using that job as a crutch. What are you doing now?”

“I kind of decided that I need to dedicate myself pretty much full time to getting acting work. So I’m going to auditions, taking classes, circulating my head shots, networking.”

“Good for you, honey. But what are you doing for money? You can’t have very much saved.”

“Well, by chance my friend Nora from school, she’s an actress too, sort of had the same thing happen to her that happened to me with Kurt and she needed a place to stay so I asked her to move in. It’s really working out nicely.”

“You’re still going to need money.”

“Well, Nora works as a bartender and she says she can get me some shifts subbing at her place. Nothing regular…”

“So you won’t end up using it as a crutch like The Cheesecake Factory.”

“Yeah. Okay, there’s another thing.”

“Spill it.”

“Okay. I asked my agent to send me out on any audition she could. Except for porn. And I think I have a shot at something that could be really good for me but it’s a risk.”

“Everything’s a risk. What is it?”

“Okay. There’s this series on Showtime called _Masters of Sex_.”

“I know. Your mom and I have watched a couple of episodes. Their title sequence is really cute.”

“You’ve watched it?”

“Penny, I keep telling you that we don’t live in a freaking cave out here. We live on a farm. There’s not a lot to do at night so we watch a lot of TV. We’re curious. I read a couple of things about the show so I gave it a try. Not exactly our cup of tea but we could tell that it’s well done and it’s a quality thing. It’s not porn.”

“I have a shot at a part on the show, maybe for a couple of episodes, but I’d have to take my clothes off and simulate some things.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be the only one on the show doing that. What’s your problem?”

“I thought maybe you’d have a problem.”

“Honey, you’ve been out there for a long time and nothing has clicked for you yet. There’s a lot of reasons for that and we don’t need to go over all of them. It’s high time you took a risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the possible payoff. Do I wish you didn’t have to take off your clothes? Sure. But it’s your life and your career and your choice and your mom and I will support you no matter what.”

“Daddy, thank you.”

“I’m guessing Leonard expected me to stop you.”

“Probably.”

“Well he certainly misread that situation. Listen, I’m sorry I ever encouraged that guy. Obviously I had him wrong. He should hope I never run into him again. I’d do to him what I used to do to bulls.”

“Thanks, Daddy.”

“Honey, I’m sending you a little money.”

“Daddy, you don’t need to do that.”

“You don’t have to use it. I just want to be sure that in case you have an emergency you’ll be okay.”

“Okay.”

“Do me a favor. Make sure that Leonard shits his pants if he ever hears I’m coming to visit.”

“I’d like to see that. What are the chances that you and mom could come out for a visit real soon?”

“Things have been a little slow lately. I might be able to arrange something for next week or the week after. Which is better for you?”

“Can I get back to you? I need to figure something out.”

“Sure. Just let me know.”

“Will do. Daddy?”

“Yes, Slugger.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now go get ‘em!”

 


	9. Chapter 9

9

 

The following Wednesday Leonard entered Stuart’s comic shop and approached Howard and Raj.

“Where’s Sheldon?” asked Raj.

“I don’t know. I told him I was coming over here for New Comic Book Day and he said he had made other transportation arrangements. I assume he’s getting a ride from Amy.”

“So what’s going on with those two since the Penny/Amy blowup?”

“Well, I know that Sheldon hasn’t stopped going over to Penny’s. And I know that Amy isn’t happy about that.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I told Amy that Sheldon’s been going over there. Just like I told Penny’s dad about that dyke she’s been hanging out with.”

“Have you seen her?”

“Penny?”

“No, the girl who’s staying with her. I think her name is Nora.”

“Nope. I haven’t seen her around at all. But then again I’ve been kind of staying away from Penny.”

“From what I heard from Bernadette that’s not exactly your choice.”

“Well, it is. I’m just going to give her some time. I’m sure everything will work out and we’ll be back together in no time.”

“What about that acting job on _Masters of Sex_?”

“That’s the other thing I spoke to her dad about. I figure I’ll let him stop her from doing it. That way I come out of it clean and when she doesn’t have a job she’ll need to borrow money from me or go back to The Cheesecake Factory. I know they want her back. Everything will go back to the way it’s supposed to be. You’ll see.”

“I don’t know, dude. That’s not a very nice thing to do to Penny.”

“Hey, I’ve been dating her for a while. I think I know what’s best for her. She just needs to get this acting thing out of her system.”

“Holy Frack!”

All three men turned around to see Sheldon Cooper walk in holding hands with a beautiful woman that none of them had ever seen before.

_When Penny told Sheldon that in order for their plan to work there would need to be touching, and touching in public at that, Sheldon had become nervous. While he had grown to accept Penny touching him, he had done that because he understood that touching people was part of who Penny was. It was a completely unconscious thing for her. After time he knew that asking Penny to not touch him would be like asking her to not be Penny. That, and he kind of liked it. Penny’s touches were warm, and comforting and natural. And not at all like Amy Farrah Fowler’s touches. Amy touched him like she was following an instruction manual with numbered steps. It just didn’t feel right. It felt unnatural, like she was doing it because someone had told her she was supposed to. The more time Sheldon spent with Nora the more he came to realize how much like Penny she was in this regard. While not exactly like Penny’s touches, Nora’s were reassuring and comfortable and, yes, very natural. When she suggested to him that walking into the comic shop holding hands would create the impression they wished to create he found himself agreeing with her and even enjoying it._

“Who the frack is that and I wonder if Amy knows about it?” Howard asked.

Then Howard looked at Raj and they both looked at Leonard and they both immediately knew that Leonard would tell Amy just as soon as he could.

They watched as Sheldon introduced the woman to Stuart at the counter. However, being that it was New Comic Book Day, the store was unusually noisy and they couldn’t hear what was being said.

“Hello, Stuart. This is my friend Nora and she’ll be doing her comic book shopping here for the foreseeable future.”

“Okay. So are you new to this or are you interested in something in particular. And blink twice if you’re here against your will.”

“Well, I’m looking for a couple of things. The second issue of Sandman: Overture and Absolute Sandman Volume 3.”

“Ah, a Neil Gaiman fan. Well, unfortunately Sandman Overture #2 won’t be out until February but I’ll definitely hold a copy for you. And I’m going to need to order Absolute Sandman Volume 3 for you. I just sold it the other day and I really don’t keep more than one copy in stock at a time. But as a friend of Sheldon’s I can offer you the 30% friends and family discount. And please feel free to look around. We have lots of other Neil Gaiman stuff.”

“Oh, I’m not just a Gaiman fan. I like lots of stuff. Those were just the two things at the top of my list. Do you do pull lists?”

“Sure. Just stop by on your way out or you can do it online. I’m sure Sheldon can help you out.”

“Thanks, Stuart.”

Even though they couldn’t hear it, Howard, Raj and Leonard watched with their mouths agape.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to find out who she is.”

As Leonard marched over to the counter his two friends looked on, disgusted.

“Oh crap. It looks like Leonard’s penis is leading him around again. And not five minutes after he assured us he and Penny would be getting together.”

“Well, Leonard’s nothing if not predictable. Hey, if we’re lucky we’ll get to watch him get shot down.”

Leonard approached Sheldon and Nora with a big smile and his eyebrows arched.

“Hey buddy. Want to catch me up and introduce me to your friend.”

“Alright. This is my roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.”

“And you are…”

“I’m sorry but I was under the impression that you prefer introductions to women be handled via YouTube clips of them taking a shower.”

“Excuse me?”

“I know who you are, Leonard. And to be honest, I have no desire to know you at all. I certainly don’t wish to shake your hand. And if you think that you’re going to end up in bed with me I think you need to go visit a therapist to deal with your delusions of adequacy.”

Sheldon had to think quickly. What would the correct action on his part be? He decided. He leaned over and gave Nora a peck on the cheek. Nora smiled.

“Thank you, Moonpie.”

“Only my MeeMaw can call me Moonpie. But in this instance you are forgiven. Let’s look around. I believe there’s a new issue of The Flash this week. Did you hear that they are finally introducing Wally West into the New 52 continuity.”

“I read that online.”

Ignoring Leonard, who just stood there shaking, Sheldon and Nora started wandering around the store. When they reached Howard and Raj they stopped.

“Lady, I don’t know who you are but I swear I just saw Leonard Hofstadter’s dick shrivel up into nothing.”

“Howard, that was quite crude. Accurate, but crude. I’d like you to meet Nora Glass. She is a friend of Penny’s who will be staying with her for a time. Nora these are my friends Howard Wolowitz, engineer and astronaut and Rajesh Koothrapali, astrophysicist.”

“I’m pleased to meet you guys.”

“Wait, this is the bull dyke that Amy’s been going on about?”

“Howard, I don’t like that term. I don’t like labels of any kind. But since we just met I’ll give you a pass.”

“Nora, I apologize profusely. It’s just that we were led to believe that you were an entirely different person.”

“I’m not surprised. Your friend Amy took an almost immediate dislike to me. I believe she has a problem with my relationship with Penny.”

“Are you having a relationship with Penny? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Penny and I are friends. And I think that Penny’s in a place where she really needs her friends and their support and I intend to be there for her and give her my unwavering support. When I pointed out to Amy that she wasn’t doing that she took exception. So I guess she started talking some smack about me. As you can see, I’m not a monster. I like comic books just like you guys. I hope we can be friends.”

“Well, I believe that I can speak for both Howard and myself in saying that we certainly don’t want to get on your bad side. What you just did to Leonard was classic. Just classic.”

“Thank you. He hurt and embarrassed Penny and deserves a great deal more than a public dressing down. But honestly, he just isn’t worth the effort.”

“Um guys, don’t look, but Leonard just took out his phone and he’s taking pictures of us.”

“Ah, if Leonard follows his typical pattern he will be sending them to Amy Farrah Fowler and following that with a phone call to her. I believe that I am now to assume that I am in trouble with my girlfriend.”

“Sheldon, how can I put this? You’re acting a bit strange, even for you.”

“I think that may be my influence, guys. I’m trying to bring fun Sheldon out to play. His girlfriend doesn’t seem to like fun Sheldon, the one that loves comic books and Star Trek and Star Wars.”

“We kind like that Sheldon too.”

“I prefer that you not speak of me as though I’m not here.”

“So Nora, can we assume that you’ll be joining us for meals and such like Penny.”

“Yeah. I don’t think so. I have a job as a bartender so I work a lot of nights. And besides, I really don’t want to interact with the homunculus or Amy any more than I absolutely have to. The same goes for Penny. But you guys are welcome to come over to our place. I know it’s a bit small but we moved my couch in and I have a 50” TV and a couple of game consoles.”

“So you’re planning to be around for a while?”

“Yeah. Since Penny quit her job money’s tight and I think having a roommate is gonna help her out. Besides, we really do like living together and having Sheldon nearby is just gravy.”

“Um, please forgive my curiosity, but what the frak is going on with you two? I mean, you walked in holding hands and he frakkin’ kissed you. He doesn’t even kiss his girlfriend without extensive negotiations and signed contracts.”

“Sheldon and I have quickly become very good friends. That’s all. I like to think I’m helping him get in touch with his inner Sheldon.”

“Now if you two are finished reviewing my life and private feelings, I have a new issue of The Flash to purchase and peruse. Shall we go, Nora?”

“Just let me grab the latest issues of Fables and Fairest and The Fox and we can get going. Okay?”

“Okay. If you fellows are interested we’ll be playing Halo at Penny’s in a while. We’ll probably be having pizza. You’re welcome to join us. Leonard, however, is not welcome.”

“But, Sheldon. It’s not Pizza Night.”

“What’s life without a bit of whimsy? Please call if you’ll be coming so we can order enough pizza. Bye.”

After Nora found the comics she was looking for they proceeded to the counter, paid and then left.

Howard turned to Raj.

“Y’know what? I like the new Sheldon. And I like Nora too.”

“Me, too. But I have a feeling this isn’t going to make a couple of other people very happy.”

As if on cue Leonard came over.

“What the hell was that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who was that woman with Sheldon?”

“You mean the one who turned your somozas into tiny little raisins?”

“She did nothing of the kind. She just caught me off guard. Who was she? And why was she all over Sheldon?”

“That was Penny’s new roommate, Nora.”

“That was Nora? And she’s not Penny’s roommate. She’s just staying there for a couple of days.”

“I don’t think so dude. She told us she moved her stuff in and she’s splitting rent and everything.”

“What do you mean everything?”

“Well, apparently Sheldon.”

“No, Sheldon would never cheat on Amy. That would violate his stupid contract.”

“Well, apparently Sheldon doesn’t think so and he’s the one who wrote the stupid contract.”

“Well, I suspect that Amy will put an end to it just as soon as she finds out.”

“And she’s going to find out because you’re going to tell her and send her the photos you took, right?”

“Well, yes. That’s what friends do.”

“I don’t know, dude. It seems like a pretty lame thing to do. Sheldon looks pretty happy. And Nora is really nice.”

“Well that Nora is ruining Sheldon’s relationship with Amy and my relationship with Penny and I’m going to do something about it. In the meantime, are you ready to head over to my place for Halo Night?”

Raj and Howard looked at each other.

“Sorry, dude. No can do. Something came up. See ya.”

Raj and Howard quickly paid for their comics and rushed out the door.

“You know he’s going to figure out where we went.”

“I know but you know what? I don’t care. He’s being an ass and I want to be on the right side when he gets what’s coming to him.”

“Yeah. Me too. So I’ll see you over at Penny’s?”

“Probably. I need to convince Bernie that it’s the right thing to do. I’m not sure that’s going to be very easy. She’s gotten really tight with Amy and she’s always thought that Penny and Leonard belong together.”

“I get it. You should remind her about how Leonard acted toward Penny when he was with my sister. And showing that YouTube clip to strangers was really pretty lame. It’s something the old you would have done.”

“It’s something the old me did do and I really regret it. It’s bad enough that it’s out there. Leonard using it as a way to introduce people to his girlfriend is really weak. Penny really doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m glad I was able to hack into it and make it a lot harder to find.”

_Later that evening in Apartment 4A_

“Leonard, where is everyone? I was given to believe that Halo Night is a regular group activity. It’s a stupid activity but I’m willing to allow Sheldon to participate for the time being.”

“Howard and Raj said that something came up. I suspect that Sheldon may be over at Penny’s.”

“With that bitch.”

“You mean Nora, right”

“Of course. Even though Penny and I are currently having a problem I expect it will be resolved just as soon as that Nora is out of our lives.”

“The guys said that she’s actually moved in. That she’s not just staying for a couple of days.”

“I think that their information must be incorrect. I’m still certain that if Penny were to make a permanent change in her living paradigm she would come to me first.”

“I’m going over there. I want Penny to tell me what’s going on.”

“Alright. I will accompany you.”

As they walked out into the hallway they heard laughter coming from Apartment 4B. Leonard knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again. No answer. Knowing that Penny usually left her door unlocked he tried the doorknob. The door was locked. He decide that they couldn’t hear his knocking so he banged on the door. Penny opened it.

“What?”

“We heard you from across the hall and we thought we’d join you.”

“You’re not invited, Leonard. Neither is Amy.”

“C’mon, Penny. We’re all friends.”

“No, Leonard. We’re not. Not anymore.”

“Well, my boyfriend is over here and I demand that I be able to join him.”

Penny turned around.

“Sheldon, Amy says I should let her in because you’re here.”

“Penny, it’s your apartment. I believe that means that you decide who comes and goes.”

“You heard what he said, Amy.”

“Sheldon Lee Cooper. I demand that you leave Penny’s apartment right now.”

Sheldon paused the game and came to the door.

“Excuse me Amy but we had no formal plans to socialize this evening. However, Penny and Nora invited me over and I accepted their kind invitation. For me to leave at this juncture would be rude and I will not do it.”

“But, Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend. You should spend time with me, not her and her girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry, Amy Farrah Fowler, but my actions are perfectly in keeping with our relationship agreement. Your desire to spend time with me does not supercede my previously established plans. You should have consulted my posted iCal Calendar if you wished to make plans. Now are we done, because Penny and I are about to completely annihilate Nora and Raj.”

“I’m very upset, Sheldon.”

“If you wish, you may file a formal complaint. You will find the appropriate form in Appedix N in our Relationship Agreement.”

“Penny, I don’t understand. I get that we’re going through a rough patch but…”

“Leonard, I don’t know how many different ways I can say this. You violated our relationship and our friendship. You aren’t welcome in my apartment or my life. If you continue disrespecting my wishes I’ll have to consider consulting with an attorney or the police because it’s starting to feel like harassment. And don’t you ever, ever call my parents again. I don’t think you want to know what my father said he’d do to you if he ever saw you again but I can tell you it’s something you would never recover from.”

“And Amy, I respect that you are in a relationship with Sheldon. But Sheldon and I were good friends a long time before you came on the scene and we’ll be good friends a long time after you’re gone. If he wants to spend time with me he will. If he wants to spend time with Nora he will. He is a grown man and he knows his own mind. My advice is that you stop treating him like a child that you are potty training. Sheldon Cooper is not one of your fucking monkeys.”

“Now go away before you ruin any more of our evening.”

Then Penny slammed the door in their faces. When she heard the door to 4A close behind them she collapsed, crying into Sheldon’s arms.

“There, there, Penny. I’m proud of you. Everything you said needed to be said and I thank you for defending me.”

“I’m sorry I got so upset.”

“Sweetie, they know how to push your buttons. Those two have been playing you for a long time. You aren’t going to be able to get past it overnight. You did real good.”

“Penny, we’re all on your side. Sheldon’s too. And hopefully Howard will be able to convince Bernadette that you and Leonard are just wrong for each other. I know that I’d prefer that we all be friends like we used to be but it’s become very clear that Leonard and Amy do not know anything about what a real loving relationship should be like. You both deserve partners who allow you to be yourselves and help you grow, not people who want to change you into their vision of a boyfriend and girlfriend. Besides, I think I kind of like the dynamic when I’m not the only single person in the group. It was getting pretty lonely.”

“Raj, I’ll be honest, I don’t think I ever felt lonelier than while I was in a relationship with Leonard. Being in a relationship only makes sense if you’re in one with the right person. Leonard wasn’t the right person for me. I just couldn’t see it for a long time. I’m actually glad I found out about the stupid film clip. If I didn’t I might still be with him.”

“You guys may not know this, but this afternoon at the comic book shop I’m pretty sure he thought he had a chance with Nora.”

“Raj, I saw the look in his eyes. And Penny told me about his eyebrow thing, his puppy dog “come fuck me” look. Leonard thinks he’s a player. He so deserves to be taught a lesson. But we have our priorities. Let’s keep our eye on the ball. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Leonard and Amy are across the hall plotting right now. I suspect that they’ll be ganging up on us individually next because they obviously can’t handle us when we’re together.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

The following morning Sheldon found an unexpected visitor in his office when he arrived at work.

“Sheldon, I demand that you cease all interaction with Penny at once.”

“I’m sorry but I will be unable to comply with that request. Penny is my best friend and I am hers. We will continue to interact.”

“She lied to and insulted me Sheldon. And she is being horrible to Leonard.”

“I’m sorry, Amy Farrah Fowler but I do not see it that way.”

“Penny is not acting like the bestie she is supposed to be.”

“I’m sorry, Amy Farrah Fowler, but as I recall that you are the one that declared Penny your “Bestie.” I do not recall Penny ever making such a declaration. It is my contention that she was merely being polite in tolerating it from you.”

“As your girlfriend I expect your unwavering support.”

“I am a scientist. As such it is my duty to analyze the available data and reach an appropriate conclusion. The data leads me to believe that you are uncomfortable with a particular situation, for example Penny’s friendship with Nora, and as a result you expect me to also express my discomfort with said situation. This is akin to the “bros before hoes” maxim that Leonard is so fond of employing. I am given to understand that this is actually not a rule or even a custom, but in reality the declaration of a party who knows they are in the wrong but wishes their compatriots to support them in any case. I rejected the maxim from Leonard and I reject it from you also, Amy Farrah Fowler.”

“I am unsure where we go from here, Sheldon.”

“Our Relationship Agreement lists a number of options. I suggest you consult it.”

“In the meantime I wish to schedule some social interactions with you.”

“Well, my calendar is quite full at the moment but I believe we have a date night scheduled for next Thursday.”

“I would prefer to see you prior to that but when I perused your online calendar I saw either Penny’s or Nora’s name listed for virtually every evening.”

“What can I say? They submitted the appropriate email requests and when I saw I had time available I added them to my schedule.”

“Sheldon, during the entire time I’ve known you, you have followed a very regimented schedule. Thai food on Monday, Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday, stupid new comic books and Halo Wednesday, Pizza on Thursday except for Anything-Can-Happen Thursday which is now our date night, Chinese Food and more stupid games on Friday and laundry on Saturday. I fail to understand why you would suddenly reject that schedule without undue influence and interference from Penny and that bitch she now lives with.”

“First, I would thank you to refrain from using such language when you speak of my friends. And second, my schedule has not changed. Only the location has. Since Penny has no desire to interact with Leonard and I support my friend in this regard, these events are currently taking place at Penny’s and Nora’s apartment. As you are currently not welcome there you have not been included. There are two possible solutions. I would suggest that you either expend a greater effort at getting back in Penny’s good graces or you convince Leonard to change his habitation paradigm.”

“I reject your proposal and posit that you are being a bad boyfriend.”

“As I said last night, you are quite welcome to file a formal written complaint and I will consider it. Thus far you have not. Now you have delayed the start of my workday and I have a great deal of work to do. If you have nothing further to say, please depart. Unless you are planning to make more of these unscheduled visits and disrupting my work I will see you next Thursday. I will submit a plan for the evening’s activities 24 hours prior to that, per our agreement.”

“Goodbye, Sheldon. And just so you know for certain, I am not very happy with you.”

“That is your prerogative, Amy Farrah Fowler. As I said, if you have an issue with my disposition of this matter, please submit the appropriate paperwork. Good day.”

Amy marched out of Sheldon’s office, slamming the door behind her. Sheldon took out his phone and sent Penny a text.

 **< I FOUND AFF IN MY OFFICE. SHE IS QUITE PERTURBED WITH US.  – SHELDON LEE COOPER, ****B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D**. **>**

**< NOT SURPRISED. CAN NORA AND I STOP BY A BIT LATER? B4 LUNCH.– P>**

**< OF COURSE. - ****SHELDON LEE COOPER,** **B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D**. **>**

_At about 11:00am_

“Hi, sweetie.”

“Hello, Penny. Hello, Nora.”

“Sheldon, I figured that Nora should probably stop by for lunch with you a couple of times a week to keep Leonard and Amy on their toes.”

“That seems like a reasonable plan. It will also likely keep Leonard away from our table. His mooning over you and complaints are quite tiresome. I’m certain Howard and Raj would prefer Nora’s company to his also. I should, however warn you that the food is not exactly high quality.”

“That’s okay. As long as I can get a salad I’ll be happy.”

“Wonderful. Was there anything else?”

“Sweetie, we kind of thought what we need to amp things up on the Amy front. You finding her in your office this morning was way out of line. We should probably bring Alex in on this. And since there’s a pretty good chance that based on his past behavior Leonard will probably target her I think she kind of deserves a heads up.”

“Penny, that is very thoughtful of you.”

Sheldon picked up his phone and hit the intercom button.

“Alex, can you come in here for a moment?”

A minute later Alex appeared at the door.

“Dr. Cooper. Am I in trouble? I tried to stop Dr. Fowler from coming into your office but she wouldn’t listen.”

“Alex, you are not in trouble. I merely wish to enlist your aid in a personal matter.”

“I hope you aren’t going to make any inappropriate suggestions. I really don’t want to deal with Human Resources again.”

“No. Absolutely not. In fact, my friends here will make certain that I do not say anything untoward. I’m sure you remember my friend, Penny. And this is Nora.”

“Right. You’re Dr. Hofstadter’s friend.”

“Yeah. Not so much anymore.”

“Alex, that is one of the reasons we wished to speak with you. Penny has terminated her relationship with Dr. Hofstadter and we wished to inform you that, judging from his past behavior, you may expect him to come seeking favor with you.”

“Okay, I made a mistake. I’m not interested in him. Not like that. We’ve been over this.”

“Alex, please. We aren’t trying to put you on the spot. We’re really only trying to give you a heads up. And maybe some advice. Leonard is bad news. You probably don’t want to get involved.”

“Penny, I really, really don’t. I mean, I guess your breakup with him was pretty recent. But he’s been pretty consistent with his attentions toward me for a long time. His smile is always just a little too big and there’s this thing he does with his eyebrows.”

“The sad puppy dog fuck me look?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry to say I fell for it way too often. I was an idiot.”

“What should I do?”

“Alex, I suggest you ignore him and if he persists, contact Human Resources. I will support you.”

“Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I appreciate it.”

“Alex, when it is just us and my friends in the office you may call me Sheldon.”

“Thank you, Sheldon.”

“There is another matter. From here forward I would prefer that you not put Dr. Fowler’s calls directly through to me.”

“But isn’t Dr. Fowler your girlfriend?”

“She is at this juncture, but I believe she is taking liberties with her access. I also would prefer that she not be allowed to be in my office without my presence. Or yours.”

“Thank you, Dr. Cooper, um, Sheldon. I didn’t want to say anything but after she’s been alone in our offices everything kind of smells funny.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sheldon, I kind of know what that is.”

“Penny?”

“When Amy wants someone to like her or stake a claim she spreads her scent. She rubs herself against stuff and licks things like phones and staplers and stuff like that. I saw her doing it in here and she told me that she did it all over my apartment. I spent three freaking days scrubbing everything in my apartment with bleach after that. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you.”

Sheldon pushed himself back from his desk in alarm, terrified to touch anything.

“That is absolutely an invasion of my personal space and it is unacceptable. And the germs involved! Alex, when we are done here, please contact building maintenance and request an immediate top to bottom cleaning of our offices, and possibly a paint job. And please find out if we can replace the furnishings. After lunch I will be returning home to likewise clean my apartment and all of my property.”

“Certainly, Sheldon.”

“Now, Alex, just as I have said to not put Dr. Fowler directly through that likewise goes for Dr. Hofstadter. However, should Penny or Nora telephone me I would wish to speak with them immediately.”

“Absolutely.”

At that point Nora, who had been silent, leaned over to Penny and whispered something in her ear. Penny looked back at her.

“Really?”

Nora nodded.

“Alex, I’m having a little get-together on Sunday evening. Just girls. Myself, Nora and Howard Wolowitz’s wife, Bernadette, I don’t know if you’ve met her. I’d really like it if you could join us. It’s very informal. Around 6. And Sheldon may stop by at some point but no Drs. Fowler or Hofstadter.”

“I’d like that. Should I bring something, like a bottle of wine?”

“Um, no wine. Trying to stay away from the drinky stuff. But something dessert-y would be nice.”

“Okay. Sounds good.”

“Thank you, Alex. I trust nothing that’s been said here has made you in any way uncomfortable.”

“No, Sheldon, it didn’t. In fact I think you’ve made me feel more comfortable today than I’ve been the entire time I’ve been working for you.”

“With me, Alex. You work with me.”

“Thank you, Sheldon. If we’re done, I’ll head back to my office and arrange for the cleaning.”

“I’m going to get going too. I need to hit the gym. If there’s any chance the world is going to be seeing all of me I’m going to make damn sure it’s the best looking me possible. Enjoy lunch.”

“Thank you, Penny. And you need not be so concerned because you have been beautiful every single moment I’ve known you.”

Penny blushed.

“Thank you, Moonpie.”

“Penny, you know…”

“Yeah. Meemaw. Moonpie. Et cetera. See ya later.

“Nora, you’ve been extraordinarily quiet today.”

“Um, yeah. Sorry. My mind was elsewhere. Ready for lunch?”

“I am. Shall we hold hands as we go?”

“Sure. Why not?”

A little while later, Leonard entered the lunchroom with his tray of food. When he saw Sheldon, Howard and Raj having a lively discussion with Nora at their regular table he decided to bring his lunch back to his lab and eat there.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For any who may take issue with Amy Farrah Fowler’s transgression and whether such a thing could actually happen, I suggest you refer to Season 6, Episode 3, The Higgs Boson Observation. It’s canon, folks. And there is no reason to believe that Amy only did it in Sheldon’s office and Penny’s apartment.

**11**

 

Amy Farrah Fowler’s cell phone rang at her lab and seeing that it was Leonard Hofstadter she answered.

“Hello, Leonard.”

“Hi Amy. I thought you should know that I saw Sheldon having lunch with that Nora today.”

“That Is interesting information that did not appear on his iCal calendar. I too had an unusual interaction with Sheldon today in his office. And it was followed by an email from him that I found quite disturbing.”

“How so?”

“Apparently he has levied six strikes against me and banished me from your apartment and his office.”

“What was your infraction?”

“I would prefer not to elucidate.”

“Will you take his online class?”

“Apparently that is an option he has not offered me. I fail to understand how I will be able to maintain our relationship if I am not permitted in his apartment or office.”

“Well, it’s not like he’s ever at the apartment. He spends most of his time across the hall.”

“Leonard, I am beginning to believe that he does not wish to be my boyfriend any longer.”

“Amy, I’m certain that’s not the case. I think he’s being influenced by that Nora and Penny. I guess I’m just going to have to speed up my effort to get back together with her. Once we’re back together everything will go back to normal. You’ll see. And I’ll speak to Sheldon about the apartment and his assistant, Alex, about the office. She’ll listen to me. She kind of has a thing for me. Maybe I’ll let her have a taste.”

“Wouldn’t that be disloyal to Penny?”

“Hey, Penny’s fucking Nora. It’s only right that I have some fun too. Besides, who’s going to find out?”

“Alright, Leonard. Please let me know what happens. I’ll be quite busy for a few days. Sheldon’s email said that he will not see me at all unless I clean all of my clothing at an approved laundry and dry cleaner that doesn’t make keys and provide him with scans of the receipts as proof.”

“Amy, what did you do?”

“Again, I prefer not to elucidate.”

“Okay, I’ll let you know what happens with the apartment and the office.”

The first thing Leonard did was place another call to Penny’s father to make sure he was taking action to stop her from auditioning for _Masters of Sex_.

“Hello, Wyatt Queen here.”

“Mr. Queen, it’s Leonard Hofstadter.”

<click>

“Hmm. Bad connection. Let me try again.”

“Hello, Wyatt Queen here.”

“Wyatt, it’s Leonard again we were cut…”

<click>

“I guess there must be bad weather in Omaha. Let me try him on Facebook.”

When Leonard looked for Wyatt Queen on his friends list he found the name was suddenly gone. When he searched for Wyatt Queen’s Facebook page he saw that he had been blocked.

“Penny must have done that. I’ll just send him an email.”

_Mr. Queen,_

_It’s very important that we speak as soon as possible. I am very concerned about Penny. She seems to have begun associating with some very bad people and I am concerned that she may be being influenced to make some very harmful decisions._

_Your friend,_

_Dr. Leonard Hofstadter_

Leonard knew he had made the right decision when he received a reply less than five minutes later. Upon first glance he saw that it was written in all caps. He made a mental note to inform Wyatt that writing in all caps implies yelling at someone.

_DR. HOFSTADTER_

_YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A CLUE WHEN I HUNG UP ON YOU. DO NOT CONTACT ME OR PENNY’S MOM AGAIN. AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM PENNY. I’LL REMIND YOU THAT I’M THE ONE THAT TAUGHT PENNY TO ROPE AND CASTRATE BULLS._

_WYATT QUEEN_

Leonard then realized that reconciling with Penny might be a bit harder than he thought. He decided to go speak to Alex about the office thing and maybe have a little fun.

Alex was packing up and getting ready to leave when Leonard walked in. He was sporting a big grin and what Nora had called his “fuck me” eyebrows.

“Hi Alex.”

“Dr. Hofstadter.”

“Is Sheldon in?”

“Dr. Cooper left early.”

“Was he sick?”

“Dr. Hofstadter, I am not comfortable conversing with you about Dr. Cooper’s health.”

“Alex, I thought we were friends. And call me Leonard.”

“Dr. Hofstadter. You inquired as to Dr. Cooper’s presence and I responded appropriately. Now if you are quite through I need to vacate the office so that the cleaning people can do their work.”

“The cleaning people work at night. It’s only two o’clock.”

“They are doing a special cleanup and paint job at Dr. Cooper’s request. And they are also bringing in new furniture. I need to be out of their way.”

“The office looks pretty clean to me.”

“If you wish to get any further details about why this is necessary I suggest you speak with Dr. Fowler.”

“So, anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to go to dinner or something tonight.”

“Dr. Hofstadter, you are making me feel uncomfortable. Please leave my office or I’ll call security. And if you say one more word I will file a complaint with Human Resources.”

Shocked, Leonard left.

“I wonder why she has a bug up her butt. Sheldon must have had another meltdown. Maybe I should stay away from the apartment.”

Sheldon was busy at home. Everything that Amy Farrah Fowler could possibly have spread her scent on that was machine washable was down in the laundry room with Penny and Nora who volunteered to help out when Penny returned from the gym. Sheldon was hard at work cleaning every surface and object in the apartment. He was very, very angry at Amy Farrah Fowler’s germ-laden invasion of his living space and office. Sheldon had also informed Howard and Raj about Amy’s scent spreading and they both left early to tend to their own apartments. According to Howard it was all he could do to prevent Bernadette from going after Amy with some experimental items from her lab.

Penny and Nora came into the apartment wearing the surgical masks that Sheldon had requested they don while he was cleaning.

“Penny, per your advice I have issued Amy Farrah Fowler six strikes and banished her from the apartment and my office. I have, also at your suggestion, required that she clean all of her clothing. I don’t understand why I shouldn’t just terminate our Relationship Agreement right away. She has wantonly disrespected my personal boundaries as well as Alex’s and all of my friends’. It is just unacceptable.”

“Sheldon, I understand that you’re angry. And I get that it took you a little while to process how much of a violation what Amy did was. But I really think that terminating the agreement is something you should do in person and I think it’s probably appropriate that Amy should have to suffer a little before you do that. Besides, you had no plans to see her before next Thursday anyway and I promise that Nora and I will keep you very busy in the meantime. And I have a really good idea for a one-two punch that should keep Amy and Leonard out of our hair for a very long time.”

“Alright, Penny. Since you are more experienced in these matters I will bow to your expertise. But I do feel very violated. And I’m also a little bit angry with you for not informing me of this sooner. It could have saved us a great deal of trouble.”

“Sweetie, I get that. All that I can offer as an excuse is that I was in a bad place for a long time and it just plain didn’t click in my alcohol-soaked brain. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course I can.”

“I think you should stay over at our place tonight. I really don’t want what Amy did to make you stay away from contact with other people. You’re still comfortable with me and Nora, right?”

“Certainly.”

“Well, I have an idea for something we can do that will really shake Amy and especially Leonard up. Do you trust me?”

“You know that I do.”

“Okay. Nora and I are going back downstairs to deal with the laundry. When you’re done cleaning up in here organize what you’ll need to stay over with us. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“One other thing. You guys have a digital camera and tripod, right?”

“Yes, they’re in the living room closet. Why do you need them?”

“I’ll explain later sweetie. Now I want you to make sure that Leonard sees you come over with your overnight stuff later, okay?”

“Are we trying to make Leonard think that I’m going to have coi…, um sexual intercourse with both you and Nora?”

“That’s part of it, yeah. But I promise that we will not make you do a single thing that that makes you uncomfortable. I swear. And if you feel even a little bit uncomfortable all you need to do is say something and we will stop and figure out something else. Okay?”

Leonard called both Raj and Howard hoping that he could crash on one of their couches but oddly neither had returned his calls. When he checked their offices they had mysteriously left work early also. He thought he could maybe find a grad student he could charm but no luck there either. And Leslie Winkle was still on a sabbatical. So, he headed home, hoping that he didn’t end up having to deal with a sick Sheldon.

When he walked into his apartment it was cleaner than it had ever been before, and that was really saying something. It practically sparkled. Sheldon emerged from the bathroom wearing a surgical mask and gloves.

“Leonard, I request that you don a mask and gloves at least until I complete my cleaning regimen.”

“Buddy, what happened? Did someone with the plague stop by?”

“Almost as bad. I discovered today that when Amy Farrah Fowler wishes to establish her territory she spreads her scent, rubbing herself against or licking all manner of objects. Since she is well aware of my Mysophobia I can only conclude that she was exhibiting an utter disrespect for my personal boundaries. As a result I have banished her from my home and office and I am currently considering whether further action is warranted.”

“Sheldon, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. Give it a couple of days. I’m sure that we’ll all be laughing about it come next week.”

“That may be the case, but for now I request that you respect my cleaning regimen and don the mask and gloves.”

“Sure, buddy. What are your dinner plans?”

“I’ll be joining Penny and Nora. You are on your own.”

“Sheldon, I was wondering whether you could put a good word in for me with Penny. I miss her.”

“Leonard, I would appreciate it if you did not try to employ me as a go-between. I happen to agree with Penny that what you did on the boat was wrong and I also support her efforts to further her acting career.”

“But, Sheldon, this is just a tiff. You know that she’ll forgive me eventually. She always does.”

“Leonard, what Penny does regarding you is her decision to make. And additionally I resent your effort this afternoon to attempt to use my assistant as a rebound relationship. Alex called me very upset with what you said to her.”

“Sheldon, I think Alex misunderstood me. I invited her out to a friendly dinner as colleagues. That’s all.”

“Leonard, in the time that I have lived with you, you have had friendly dinners with colleagues on a number of occasions. If one were to only consider those occasions that included you and a single member of the opposite sex, every one of them resulted in you either attempting or succeeding in having coitus. Your track record betrays you. My statement regarding Alex stands.”

“Fine.”

“Now please wear your mask and gloves for approximately ninety minutes more. I am going across the hall.”

“Sheldon, why do you have your pajamas and toothbrush?”

“I will be staying with Penny and Nora this evening. Good night, Leonard. Please lock the door behind me.”

At that Sheldon left and Leonard stood there motionless, not comprehending what was going on at all.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

 

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny and Nora._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny and Nora._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny and Nora._

“Hi Sheldon. Come on in. Penny’s in the bedroom on the phone with her dad. Make yourself comfortable.”

Sheldon sat down on Nora’s couch in what was now his spot in Penny’s apartment.

“When Penny’s done we’re probably going to order some Chinese. Does that work for you?”

“As it’s Friday, Chinese cuisine would be appropriate. Will anyone else be joining us?”

“Penny checked with Howard and Raj and they’re both still pretty busy cleaning their apartments, so no. It’s just the three of us. Are you okay with that?”

“I am.”

“Would you like something to drink?”

“A diet coke would be nice, please.”

“Sure.”

“Nora?”

“Yes, Sheldon?”

“May I ask you a couple of questions? Feel free to say no. I don’t wish to be intrusive.”

“Ask away, sweetie.”

“We’ve spent some time together and I have come to like you quite a bit but it occurs to me that I don’t know very much about you beyond that Penny met you at school and that you moved in with her after you discovered your girlfriend cheating on you. I would like to know a bit more about you, if you don’t mind.”

“Well, I’m not really one of those people who walks into a room and then gives their entire back story, but sure, I’d be happy to tell you a bit more about myself.”

“One of the other things I was curious about is that you’ve told people when you meet them that you work as a bartender, but you don’t seem to have gone to work as long as you’ve been living here.”

“Okay. Well, this will all make more sense if I tell you in order. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I grew up in Portland which is where my family still lives. I got kind of tired of grey skies so I decided to move down here about a year ago and try to get some acting work. I don’t expect to get famous but I get a bit of background and extra work and I’m satisfied with that. I was staying with friends for a while and got a steady job bartending at a place called Manny’s. Do you know what a gentleman’s club is, Sheldon?”

“I believe it’s a place where women dance and remove their clothing to entertain men.”

“Basically, yes. _Manny’s_ is a little different because the owner/manager is a really nice guy and he keeps the place pretty much on the up and up. That means no drugs and no prostitution and it’s not connected to organized crime. It’s actually kind of a nice place to work. And the money is pretty good. Anyway, shortly after I started working there I started dating Wendy who was one of the dancers and moved in with her. When I went home early from work one night I caught Wendy in bed with another woman. I had become friends with Penny when we took the same history class at Pasadena City College so I called her and she said I could stay with her. And here we are.”

“But what about your job?”

“Yeah. I was pretty upset about Wendy and I really wasn’t comfortable about seeing her every day so Jeff, the manager, said I should take some time off. He called me a couple of days ago to tell me that Wendy gave notice and she’s leaving town after next week so I’m going back to work then.”

“Will you be moving back to the apartment you shared with Wendy?”

“No, it really wasn’t my place and I kind of like it here. Penny needs a roommate to cover the costs and I’m liking the new friends I’m making. Is it okay with you if I stay, Sheldon?”

“As Penny will no doubt tell you, I do not make friends easily. But I have quite enjoyed the time we’ve spent together and I admit I would be very sad to see you leave.”

“I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you too, Sheldon. May I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“It’s actually not about you. It’s about your assistant, Alex. Do you know whether she’s currently involved with anyone?”

“To be quite honest, Nora, I am not typically very interested in such things. Alex is a valuable assistant and will someday likely be a brilliant theoretical physicist. Beyond knowing that she hails from Iowa and that she is in good health and has paid her parking tickets I do not know very much. Are you interested in her in a romantic capacity?”

“Maybe. She seemed very sweet in your office.”

“Is that why you asked Penny to invite her to Girl’s Night?”

“You saw that, huh?”

“It was, after all, happening right in front of me.”

“Would it be a problem if we were to become friends?”

“I don’t believe so. As long as it does not interfere with her work with me Alex is free to do as she pleases.”

“So you’d be okay if you maybe saw her socially a bit more.”

“I enjoy her company at work. I have no objection. I should point out that she is yet another woman that my roommate Leonard has set his sights on.”

“I thought he had his heart set on Penny.”

“When I first met Leonard he only dated occasionally and not terribly successfully. However, since he and Penny first became involved he has been involved in a number of relationships and I believe he is now not comfortable unless he is in a relationship. However, he has always been enamored of Penny, even when he was with others.”

“I get the feeling that you didn’t like it when they were dating.”

“Leonard is not worthy of someone like Penny. She deserves better.”

Penny walked back into the living room, having completed her phone call.

“Thank you, Sheldon.”

“Well, you do.”

“So what have you guys been talking about?”

“I’ve been learning a bit more about the woman I’m ‘dating’.”

“Yeah, I guess today’s events mean we’ll need to switch gears on that.”

“Yes. Convincing Amy Farrah Fowler to break up with me seems pointless now that she has violated our Relationship Agreement. Are you certain that sending a termination email will not suffice to end this charade?”

“Sheldon, while I’m sure it would work, it would be wrong. I wouldn’t want to be dumped in an email and I don’t think that you’re really the kind of person who would do something like that. Despite what Amy’s done, she deserves to hear it from you face-to-face.”

“I know you’re right. Will you help me prepare?”

“Sweetie, if you need me to, I’ll be there with you. For moral support.”

“Thank you Penny.”

“We still have Leonard to contend with.”

“Before I came over tonight he asked me to put in a good word for him with you.”

“Are you doing that?”

“Certainly not and I informed him thusly. However he obviously believes that you will eventually reconcile with him.”

“That’s why we need to convince him that will never, ever happen. My dad is coming next weekend and he’ll be arriving early Friday morning and he’ll help with that. Leonard can’t know he’s coming.”

“Then you shouldn’t have told me, Penny. You know how I am with secrets.”

“Which is why you will barely see Leonard between now and Friday. I want you to plan to sleep here and Nora will continue to have lunch with you every day. Right, Nora?”

“Right. Except I’d appreciate it if you also invited Alex to join us for lunch.”

“So if I understand what we are doing correctly. I am fake-dating Nora to prevent Penny’s ex-boyfriend from learning anything about what we are doing while at the same time helping her get to know my assistant Alex as a prospective future girlfriend.”

“Sounds about right. But there’s a bit more and this might be where you get a bit uncomfortable, Sheldon.”

“Alright?”

“Obviously Leonard refuses to accept the reality that we are never getting back together.”

“His statement earlier this evening evidences that.”

“Do you think that if Leonard believes that I’m sleeping with someone else that he will be convinced?”

“Penny, Leonard already believes that you are having lesbian sex with Nora and that only intrigues him.”

“I thought so. Do you agree with me that despite you coming over here with your pajamas and toothbrush it is unlikely that Leonard will conclude from just that evidence that you, and Nora and I might have had sex?”

“Leonard has known me for a long time. I believe that unless he was to witness it himself he would not believe it. I’m not certain I would either.”

“That’s what I figured. If there was evidence that I was having a relationship including sex with someone he knows very well do you think that would at least confuse him?”

“I believe that is possible.”

“Nora, this was your freaking idea. Why don’t you tell him?”

“Sheldon, Leonard needs to see evidence that you slept with and had sex with the both of us.”

“I’m not certain I understand.”

“We need to take pictures of us in bed together.”

“I don’t think I could do that.”

“Sheldon, you don’t really need to do anything. You can even still wear your pajamas.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You would be in your pajamas but Penny and I would be naked. You’ve already seen both of us naked, right.”

“R…right?”

“So all you’d need to do is lie down on the bed and me and Penny will do the rest.”

“But how would Leonard see the photographs? I will not send them through email. And I would not want anyone to possess copies of them. That could be harmful to all of us.”

“Sheldon, I thought maybe you could make them your screen saver. Your computer is password protected, right? So no one could actually remove them from your computer or access the files.”

“Correct.”

“And at least for the time being the only people going into your apartment that could see your screen saver are you and Leonard and maybe the two of us. All of our group activities are taking place over here. And I have a feeling that Leonard won’t be making another coitus connection over there in the near future, especially not as long as he still harbors any hope of getting back together with me.”

“Aside from my personal discomfort this actually sounds like a workable plan. Depending on the quality of the photographs, Leonard would have no choice but to conclude that the three of us had…”

“Fucked.”

“Yes, Nora.”

“And as soon as our plan has succeeded we could destroy the files and anyone would think that Leonard had imagined the whole thing.”

“Penny, it seems to me that you are trying to do something more that just get even with Leonard for showing the _Serial Apist_ clip to his friends on the boat.”

“That’s because I am. And you absolutely need to be okay with this. If you’re not we’ll just stop.”

“Penny, what are you trying to do?”

“Sheldon, Leonard hasn’t just been a bad boyfriend to me, he’s been a bad friend to you going all the way back to the Arctic thing. I think we would both be a lot better off if he moved out.”

“But he has thus far done nothing to violate out Roommate Agreement.”

“Sheldon, I think that you’d agree with me at this point that your agreements are now hurting you a whole lot more than they’re helping you.”

“I’m forced to admit that has lately become the case.”

“I think we need to make Leonard know that there is nothing for him here and that he’d be better off elsewhere. And my father’s visit next weekend will seal the deal.”

“Penny, I’m not sure I want to live alone. I don’t wish to be cut off from regular social contact. And the thought of having to find a new roommate gives me a tummy ache.”

“Sheldon, I have an idea about that too and I think you’ll like it.”

“Can you tell me?”

“One step at a time, Moonpie.”

“So, pictures first or dinner first?”

“I prefer not wearing my pajamas at dinner.”

 

_Next: After dinner activities_


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

After dinner Sheldon helped set up the camera on its tripod in Penny’s bedroom. Sheldon had purchased the digital camera a few years previous to take stills for _Fun with Flags_ and it came with a remote which would make it easy to take photographs of all three of them. Sheldon set up the camera at a reasonably flattering high angle. The camera was so high up that Sheldon actually had to stand on a stool to see through the viewfinder. However that angle provided a clear shot of the bed and it wouldn’t just be shooting their feet. Sheldon then played around with the lighting in the bedroom. They didn’t want it to be too bright and unnatural but they also wanted to be sure that it was clear what was going on and who was involved. Sheldon took a couple of test shots of Penny and Nora clothed on the bed to make sure that the camera was getting what it needed. But more than that Sheldon wanted to be sure that the composition was aesthetically pleasing.

“Sheldon, you’ve been futzing with the camera for a half hour. You’d think you weren’t really that interested in bedding two beautiful women.”

“Truth be told, I am still not certain that I can go through with this.”

“Sheldon, look at it as an experiment. We are trying to determine what will make a homunculus explode.”

“Well, Penny, that certainly puts it in a more reasonable light.”

“Sheldon, I think it’s time you got ready for bed.”

“Despite the fact that we are play-acting I intend to take a shower. And I would appreciate it if you did the same. And please brush your teeth and gargle with mouthwash.”

“Sheldon, that’s going to make it take all night.”

“Those are my terms.”

“Okay, but to save time Penny and I are showering together.”

“We are?”

“Penny, considering what we are about to photograph ourselves doing you’re having a problem with sharing a shower? We’re about to share a future Nobel Prize recipient, for gosh sakes.”

“No, you are about to _appear_ as though you’re sharing a future Nobel Prize recipient.”

“Okay, point taken Sheldon. Now do you want to go first or should we?”

“I’ll go first. That way I can play with the camera a bit more while the two of you take what is likely to be an interminable shower.”

“You know, if you’d brought up showering before you started playing with the camera we could be snapping pix by now.”

“Point taken. That being said I would still prefer to get some REM sleep at some point tonight. I will shower now.”

Sheldon showered, brushed his teeth and gargled with mouthwash. Donning his Friday pajamas and matching robe he exited Penny’s bathroom. Penny and Nora went in immediately following. In less than a half hour they were back out wearing thin, almost transparent robes.”

“I would like to take a few test shots to confirm that the composition is right. Please come and lie down with me. There is no need to disrobe yet.”

“Penny was on Sheldon’s right, Nora on he left. He snapped a few pictures and then he got on the stool behind the camera to take a look.”

“Penny, that lamp on the night table looks a little too bright. Please put something over it to mute the lighting.”

Penny put a red kerchief over the lampshade.”

“Alright, that’s fine, Penny. Otherwise the composition is fine.”

Sheldon showed Nora and Penny how to operate the remote. They would switch off pushing the button depending on the position they were in.

“Sheldon, I think it’s time. I’d like to you to take a sip of this wine.”

“Penny, the last time I drank wine you offered I disrobed in public.”

“I know.”

“Oh.”

Sheldon drank the entire glass of wine.

“You know, back in Portland we all would have smoked a joint to relax.”

“I don’t do drugs, Nora. I promised my mother. The wine is bad enough but I figure since they drink it in church I’ll be okay.”

Sheldon took off and folded his bathrobe, placed it on Penny’s dresser and lay down in the center of Penny’s bed. Penny and Nora took off their robes and one at a time lay down on either side of Sheldon all the time reassuring Sheldon to make sure he stayed comfortable and on the bed. Sheldon was trying very hard to not look at either Penny or Nora.

“Take a breath, sweetie. We’re not going to hurt you. We’re not going to make fun of you. You know we love you and would never do anything like that.”

“I know, Penny. What should I do with my hands?”

“Honey, with those big hands and those long fingers, as far as I’m concerned, you can do whatever you want.”

“Nora.”

“They began touching and squeezing each other a bit tentatively and Sheldon seemed to go into a trance.”

“Sheldon, snap pictures.”

“Oh, right.”

After a few minutes all three began to relax a bit more and they began to move around on the bed more freely. Nora took a chance and tickled Sheldon and after that things got much easier. There was a lot of Penny and Nora kissing Sheldon and each other. Sheldon began by tentatively squeezing their breasts and then hugging them and bit by bit loosened up as the wine had its desired effect.

“Sheldon?”

“Yes, Penny.”

“I was wondering. And it’s okay if you say no. Can we take your shirts off? Just your shirts. We won’t do anything down there.”

“Alright. But no more tickling.”

“Okay. And keep snapping while we do it, sweetie.”

Penny and Nora removed Sheldon’s pajama shirt and then his undershirt and began kissing and rubbing his chest and all the while Sheldon kept snapping away. And then they took a little break and just lay there against either side of Sheldon. He kept snapping for a while and then he just stopped.

“Penny.”

“Yes, Sheldon.”

“I think we have to stop.”

“Why sweetie? We’re all having so much fun.”

“I think I might be having a bit too much fun. And I’d really rather not see photographs of it.”

Penny and Nora looked down and, sure enough, Sheldon was indeed enjoying himself as evidenced by a rather prominent erection.

“Okay, sweetie. It looks like we have a couple of choices here.”

“I don’t understand.”

Penny looked at Nora and she nodded.

“Okay. We can stop taking pictures now, that’s for sure. We probably got what we need. We probably got more than we need. But you’re definitely going to need to do something about _that_. Now you can go to the bathroom and take care of it yourself and there is absolutely no shame in that. You should not be embarrassed. Not at all.”

“Okay?”

“Or you can let us help you.”


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

_The next morning_

“Sheldon, I have an idea.”

“Another one? Well, you certainly have been very creative lately. What is your idea?”

“As soon as we’re pretty sure that Leonard has seen our photos, you should replace them with something a little more tame, but still with me and you and Nora. That way, if necessary you could speak to him about them a bit without actually lying. Okay.”

“Well, that would certainly make me a bit less nervous. What do you suggest?”

“First, not in the bedroom. And I’m gonna art direct these.”

After Sheldon set up the camera again the first shot Penny set up was a close-up of Penny and Nora kissing Sheldon on each of his cheeks. Just like the night previous, Penny made sure there were wipes handy for Sheldon. Next, Penny had Sheldon take a picture of herself and Nora hugging each other, but topless and posed so that while you knew they were topless you couldn’t really see their nipples or breasts.

“That’s almost it, sweetie. Now give us the camera and Nora and I will take a couple of shots before we get ready to shower. Are you still okay?”

“Penny, I do wish that you and Nora would stop questioning me as to my condition. I am fine. Better than fine, I am content. I believe that I am with the two people in the world who, after my Meemaw and mother, love me the most. And I likewise love you and Nora. Since I never believed I would find myself in such a situation I would posit that for me merely being okay would be a gross understatement.”

Nora and Penny both choked up and gathered Sheldon in a tight hug.

“That being said, I see no reason for the two of you to strangle me.”

After Penny and Nora had each showered and dressed Sheldon looked at the photos they had take. They were closeups of their tattoos, which had also been quite evident in the photos taken the previous night.

After they finished breakfast they uploaded the pictures to Penny’s laptop. Sheldon created a password-protected folder to keep them in temporarily. They sat down and reviewed every shot, making notes of those that were unflattering and those they liked. Ultimately they found about a dozen they liked but all three agreed on their favorite. It was the moment they rested after they had removed Sheldon’s shirts, with Penny and Nora snuggled up against him, Penny on Sheldon’s right with her right arm across his chest and Nora on his left with her left arm across his chest. All three of them looked a little tired but they all had smiles on their faces. It was actually kind of sweet. Penny decided that even though she had promised that she’d destroy the pictures after they’d served their purpose there was absolutely no way she wanted to lose that one. They decided that one and two or three others would become part of Sheldon’s screen saver, replacing the photo of Amy Farrah Fowler. They then created a second set of the tamer photos they had just taken.

Penny realized then that they had forgotten something.

“Sheldon, There’s something else we need to do and I’m not sure you’re going to enjoy it.”

“Penny, you continue to verbalize that warning yet I continue to enjoy myself.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure this time. If Leonard gets angry at you and can’t speak to you, based on his past behavior what do you think he’ll do?”

“He’ll call my mom and tell on me. _Oh my, he’ll call my mom and tell on me!_ ”

“Yup. Leonard’s a born snitch. He tried to call my mom and dad yesterday but my dad handled him.”

“I need to call my mother.”

“Would you prefer privacy?”

“No, Penny. I might need you to speak to her as well. My mom likes you.”

“Sure, sweetie. I’m right here for you.”

Sheldon took out his phone and speed dialed his mother in Texas.

“Hello.”

“Hi, mom.”

“Hi, Shelly. How’re ya doin’?”

“I’m well. There’s something I need to tell you. It’s not a good thing.”

“Is everyone there okay?”

“We’re all okay. Well, sort of. Leonard did something.”

“Tell me what Leonard did, honey.”

“Leonard did something that embarrassed and hurt Penny and they’re not together anymore.”

“Is Penny all right?”

“Yes. She’s right here with me. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with Leonard any more and I’m helping her out.”

“Good. You’re behaving exactly like I raised you. I’m proud of you.”

“Mommy, Leonard might call you and tell you that I’m doing bad things and that Penny’s doing bad things. I want you to not listen to him.”

“Okay, Shelly. You said Penny’s right there with you?”

“Yes.”

“May I speak with her?”

“Penny, my mom wants to speak to you.”

Sheldon handed Penny his phone.

“Hi, Mary.”

“Hi, snickerdoodle. What’s going on? Is Shelly okay?”

“Sheldon’s fine, Mary. He’s more than fine. He’s being a really good friend.”

“Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“Okay. When I first moved out here long before I met Sheldon I did a stupid thing. I got a job in a movie where I did a scene in a shower and I was naked. Thankfully the movie never came out and I hoped it would just go away.”

“Praise Jesus.”

“I never told anyone about it because I was really embarrassed but Leonard found out about it and he found a copy of the scene on the Internet. He never told me he found it.”

“What did Leonard do?”

“Last summer when he was away on that boat on the North Sea he told all of his shipmates about his hot girlfriend and he showed them all the clip of me naked.”

“Oh, darlin’.”

“I found out what he did and we’re not together any more.”

“Good for you.”

“The thing is he isn’t willing to accept that. He’s been calling my parents and lying about things that I’m doing to get them to convince me to go back to him.”

“They aren’t doing that are they?”

“No, I told them what’s really going on. The thing is Sheldon has been helping me out. He’s been really supportive.”

“He’s a good boy.”

“Yes he is. Well, we think that he may call you and try to convince you that Sheldon is wrong to help me. He might tell you that I’m involved with another girl and that I’m doing bad things, sinful things.”

“You know, there’s something about that Leonard that I’ve never quite liked. Ever since he played around with Shelly’s Arctic experiment.”

“I know. Mary, I was really stupid getting involved with him again and I really regret it. He’s so not the person I thought he was. He’s a bad boyfriend and he’s been a bad friend to Sheldon.”

“I have to agree with you there. As far as I can tell the only person in that place that is always in Shelly’s corner is you and I love you for that.”

“Thank you, Mary.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“At some point, Leonard is probably going to call you and I don’t know what he’ll tell you but it won’t be exactly true and the only one it will really benefit will be Leonard. Before you do anything, please call me so I can explain. But it would be even better if you just didn’t take his call at all.”

“Penny, I promise that I won’t listen to anything he says and I’ll tell my mother and Missy the same. Do you need me to come up there?”

“No, we’re okay. Really.”

“Y’know, sometimes my Shelly can be very stubborn and loyal to the wrong people. I think Leonard is one of those people. I wish Shelly wasn’t still living with him.”

“Mary, I promise you I’m going to do something about that. And real soon, too. My dad’s going to help us.”

“Well then I’ll trust that you have the situation well in hand. And I’ll pray on it. You’ve been a good friend to Shelly and I appreciate it.”

“Thank you, Mary.”

“Okay, take care of yourself and please put Shelly back on.”

“Mom?”

“Shelly, I want you to listen to Penny and keep on doing what you’re doing and everything will work out fine. Don’t you worry about us listenin’ to anything that polecat Leonard says. You just make sure you keep takin’ care of yourself and that sweet neighbor of yours.”

“I will, Mom.”

“Did you write to your Meemaw this week?”

“I did.”

“Alright. I expect to hear from you real soon and telling everything’s worked out and that Leonard is moving out. You’ll be better off not living with him. Bye now.”

“Goodbye, Mom.”

Sheldon put his phone away.

“Well, I didn’t exactly enjoy that but it could have been a lot worse.”

“That’s for sure. So now Leonard won’t be able to snitch on us. He’s not going to like that.”

“Penny, I suspect it may be quite a while before Leonard likes anything that’s going on.”

Later that day Sheldon uploaded both sets of photos to his desktop and made sure that there was no way Leonard could access them or download them. The only way he would see them was when they came up on the screen saver rotation. He adjusted the settings on his desktop so that it wouldn’t go into sleep mode. Sheldon removed the photo card from the camera and found a good hiding place for it. Though he said he’d destroy it, Sheldon decided that he would rather put it in his safety deposit box with his most treasured possessions. While he was in the apartment he gathered some more clean clothes and his dirty laundry. It was Saturday after all.

Later that evening, after Sheldon, Penny and Nora had finished their laundry they heard Leonard open the door to 4A and go in. Sheldon knew it was just a matter of minutes until Leonard noticed the screen saver.

The three of them heard a loud “Holy Frak!” A minute or so later they heard the sound of something made of glass breaking, and then a thump on the floor.

“Penny, do you think Leonard is all right? Should we check on him?”

“Sheldon, when is the last time that Leonard expressed any real concern about you?”

“I can’t remember.”

“I’m sure Leonard is fine. Just not very happy.”

Since they had a feeling that Leonard might come over demanding an explanation they turned up their music, an old Ryan Adams CD, played Halo and just ignored the banging when on the door it came.

 

_Next: What Leonard saw_


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m changing the rating to M, primarily for language. Apparently Leonard and Amy Farrah Fowler have potty mouths.

**  
15**

 

_Last night in Apartment 4A_

_“Sheldon, why do you have your pajamas and toothbrush?”_

_“I will be staying with Penny and Nora this evening. Good night, Leonard. Please lock the door behind me.”_

_At that Sheldon left and Leonard stood there motionless, not comprehending what was going on at all.”_

 

After a moment Leonard began thinking. “They’re just screwing with me. There’s no way my germ phobic, virgin, whack job of a roommate is going across the hall to fuck two beautiful women, especially if one of them is my girlfriend. Nope. No fucking chance in hell. They just want me to think that. Penny’s teasing me. First with the lesbian thing because she knows I’ve always fantasized about having two women. If only Penny and Leslie Winkle liked each other. No, Penny’s just trying to get me excited. She’s definitely teasing me. And she’s making me stay away from her just so that when we do get back together the makeup sex will be epic. That Nora is pretty hot, too. And Amy said she doesn’t just sleep with women. And now she’s training Penny to like women too. Oh my God! I’m going to sleep with two beautiful women. Tomorrow I’m going to have to do some shopping so that when Penny decides it’s time I’ll be ready. But first things first. Sheldon’s not going to be here all night. I’m taking the DVD I made of Penny’s scene from _Serial Apist_ , the one where I looped it to play over and over again and I’m going to play it on our big screen TV. And just because Sheldon thought he fooled me into thinking he’s fucking both Penny and Nora tonight I going to sit down his spot and watch Penny in the shower over and over again and take care of myself.”

Leonard slept late the next morning. He got up after 11, checked Sheldon’s room and then walked out into the living room. “Sheldon’s still not back. Good move Penny. Make me think he’s too tired to come back home and watch his Doctor Who.”

Leonard showered, got dressed, ate a quick breakfast and headed out of the apartment, down the stairs and out the front door. First stop, the local liquor store. He ordered a case of champagne.

“I’ll have the champagne chilling in the refrigerator so its ready.” Leonard thought. “The strawberries are a problem, though. I don’t know when we’ll be celebrating so if I buy fresh strawberries they might go bad and start to smell. Hmmm. I know. I’ll buy frozen strawberries. I’ve seen them at the market. They come in a bag. I’ll get a whole bunch. That way they’ll always be ready. And I’d better get some chocolate too. I’ll have to go to one of those chocolate stores and get a couple of boxes. I should get the same ones Sheldon tried to train Penny with. That’ll teach her. I’ll train her to do something completely different.”

Leonard was a little nervous about his next stop. He drove to the mall and went into _Victoria’s Secret_. Leonard thought, “Penny will be impressed that I bought her something special to wear for our big reconciliation. Hmmm. I’d better buy something for Nora too, just in case. They look like they’re about the same size.” Leonard decided he liked the concept of one girl in all black and the other in all white. He’d let Penny and Nora choose which one wore which color. He picked out black and white sexy bras and panties and teddies and stockings and garters. He thought about purchasing some toys. He knew Penny had sex toys. Penny didn’t know Leonard knew about the box under her bed. When he’d come back early from the North Sea he’d done a little exploring while he was waiting to surprise Penny.

Picking out sexy clothing in Victorias Secret took Leonard longer than he thought it would and also got him a little excited. He decided he didn’t have any more time to shop for sex toys, at least not then. He was hoping that Sheldon would stay over at Penny’s again since he knew nothing was really happening. He wanted to watch the scene from _Serial Apist_ again. He must have watched it a thousand times by now. Maybe more. He watched it every night while he was away on the boat, even when he didn’t need to. And it always worked for him.

Leonard was actually whistling as he ascended the stairs to the fourth floor. When he got to his apartment he saw that the champagne had been delivered and left outside his door. He unlocked the door and went in. “Sheldon” he called. No answer. “My evening is looking pretty good.”

Leonard brought his purchases from Victoria’s Secret to his room. He came back out and put four bottles of champagne in the refrigerator and the frozen strawberries in the freezer. Leonard noticed there was a bottle of wine in the fridge from the last time Penny had been over. He found the corkscrew, opened the bottle and poured himself a glass and as he looked out across the living room he noticed the light from Sheldon’s desktop but he couldn’t really see what was on the screen.

“Sheldon must have been here at some point today and he forgot to turn his computer off. I think I’ll just be a good roommate and turn it off for him. Not that he deserves it.”

Carrying his freshly poured glass of wine over to Sheldon’s computer Leonard saw a flash of something unusual on the screen and then Batman. It looked like a girl. Leonard was curious and decided to let the screen saver cycle through. It was taking a while. Sheldon must have reset it so each image stayed up for 5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…13…14…15 seconds. “This is taking forever,” Leonard thought. I hope I’m not just wasting my time. And then the image changed and Leonard saw…Sheldon smiling and lying on Penny’s bed… Sheldon smiling and lying on Penny’s bed with Nora… Sheldon smiling and lying on Penny’s bed with Nora naked… Sheldon smiling and lying on Penny’s bed with Nora naked and Penny… Sheldon smiling on Penny’s bed with Nora naked and Penny naked…

“HOLY FRACK!!!”

And the glass of wine fell out of Leonard’s hand and hit the floor.

And then everything went black.

Leonard opened his eyes. He was on the floor in a puddle or wine and broken glass. He checked. He wasn’t bleeding. Why was he on the floor? He slowly got up and tried to remember what he’d been doing. And then he saw Sheldon’s computer. There was another picture of Sheldon on Penny’s bed. Nora was lying there laughing and naked. And Penny, his girlfriend, was lying there naked and laughing. And Sheldon was kissing her breast.

And everything went black again.

Leonard opened his eyes. This time he avoided looking at the computer screen. This time he was angry. He stormed out the door and across the hall and started banging on Penny’s door. All he could hear from inside Penny’s apartment was one of her country rock CDs playing pretty loud. He thought he maybe also heard laughter. Leonard kept banging on the door for what seemed like a very long time but nobody answered.

Leonard dejectedly went back to his apartment. He grabbed the bottle of wine and took it over to Sheldon’s computer. He pulled out the chair and sat down. Drinking the wine straight from the bottle Leonard stared at Sheldon’s screen saver as it cycled through. Again and again and again and again…

 


	16. Chapter 16

**16**

“Hello, Howard.”

“Hi Sheldon, what’s up?”

“I called to ask a favor.”

“Sure. What?”

“Can you think of a way to get Leonard out of the apartment? I’m over at Penny’s and I suspect he won’t leave until I come home and I really very much need to be alone in the apartment without him there and without speaking to him.”

“What’s going on Sheldon?”

“Howard, I really can’t tell you at the moment and, trust me, you don’t want to know. At least not now. I will share with you what I can at a later time.”

“You’re doing something to help Penny, aren’t you?”

“I am.”

“That’s all you needed to say. Bernie and I had a long talk last night about what Leonard did and what Amy did. We’ll both do whatever we can to help you guys.”

“Thank you, Howard.”

“Okay, I’m going to tell Leonard that my intern noticed that the door to his lab was open and there might have been a break-in. Do you think that will get him out of there long enough for you?”

“I believe that will work. Thank you, Howard. Howard?”

“Yes, Sheldon.

“Penny is having one of her Girl’s Nights tomorrow. I believe Bernadette is attending. Would you be interested in attending a movie with me and determining whether Raj and possibly Stuart would like to join us.”

“I’d like that, Sheldon. And I guess you left Leonard off of that list on purpose?”

“I did. I intend to limit my contact with both Leonard Hofstadter and Amy Farrah Fowler as much as humanly possible.”

“Whatever I can do to help…”

“Just so that you are aware, our regular evening activities will continue as scheduled at Penny’s apartment until further notice.”

“Thank you Sheldon. I’ll pass the word on to Raj. And Stuart. And if my phone call doesn’t get Leonard out of the apartment let me know and we’ll figure something else out.”

“Alright. Thank you again. Goodbye Howard.”

_Apartment 4A_

Leonard heard his phone rang through his daze. He remembered leaving it in his bedroom. “I should really take some photos of that stuff on Sheldon’s screen saver,” he thought.

“Hi, Howard.”

“Leonard, my intern just called me. He was walking by your lab and saw that your door was open. He said it looked like there might have been a break-in.”

“Oh, crap. Tell him I’ll be right there.”

“Can this day get any worse?” he said out loud.

Leonard was in the lobby and almost out the building door when he remembered that he wanted to take pictures of Sheldon’s screen saver.

“It’ll just have to wait. I’m sure it’ll still be there when I get back. If I had photos like that I’d never take them off my screen saver.”

Sheldon had watched Leonard run out the apartment door and down the stairs. Sheldon and Nora went across the hall. They had formulated a backup plan in the event Leonard returned too quickly.

Sheldon sat at his computer and began deleting the photos that had been on there and replacing them with those they had just taken. He took his time.

Meanwhile Nora thought she’d sit on the couch and watch some TV.

“Sheldon, this is your spot, right?”

“Yes, Nora. Please don’t sit there.”

“Why is there a towel over it?”

“I do not know.”

Sheldon stood up and walked over to inspect his spot. He examined the towel and it was clean. Sheldon started to think. “Hmmm. Why would Leonard put a towel on my spot? Perhaps whatever he was going to watch is still in the DVD player.” Sheldon turned on the TV and DVD player and immediately saw Penny’s shower scene from _Serial Apist_. He allowed it to play through and then it played again. And again. He turned it off. He knew what Leonard was going to do in his spot.

“Nora, this is a violation on so many levels. Please remove the DVD from the player while I continue at my computer. You may wish to wear gloves. You’ll find some in the kitchen. And, by the way, we will not be telling Penny about this.”

It occurred to Sheldon that if he took Leonard’s DVD that Leonard might search his bedroom for it even though people, with the exception of Penny and possibly Nora, were not allowed in his room. He ran to his bedroom and retrieved the photo card from its hiding place and stuffed it in his pocket.

No sooner had Nora removed the DVD than she thought she heard someone at the door. She quickly ran into Sheldon’s bedroom and began preparing to implement heir backup plan.

Sheldon and Nora passed each other in the hallway.

“Time for Plan B, Sheldon.”

“I’ll see you shortly Nora.”

Sheldon quickly returned to his chair and computer.

Leonard walked into the apartment. He had rushed to CALTech to find his lab just as he’d left it on Friday evening, door locked and everything. He tried to call Howard to ask him what was going on but his calls went to voicemail. So he had come back home. When he entered the apartment and saw Sheldon at his computer he knew he had his chance to question his roommate about what he had done with Nora and Penny.

“Sheldon, we need to talk.”

“What, no salutation? Hello, Leonard”

“Hello, Sheldon. We need to talk.”

“Of course, Leonard. What would you like to talk about? I believe the new season of Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch will begin on television tomorrow. While I still believe Ricardo Montalban was a superior Khan Noonien Singh I do quite enjoy his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes. I believe it is in many ways superior to that of Robert Downey.”

“That’s not what I want to talk about. I saw the new pictures on your screen saver.”

“Yes. I’m quite happy with them. What did you think of them?”

“What did I think of them? WHAT DID I THINK OF THEM?”

Nora knew that this had to be her cue to come into the living room.

“Sheldon. I’m not sure which of your t-shirts to wear. Flash or Green Lantern?”

Leonard was struck dumb. Nora was standing in the living room holding up the two t-shirts and wearing her panties. And only her panties.

Nora continued as though Leonard wasn’t even there.

“So, which one?”

Sheldon continued working at his computer while he responded to Nora.

“Nora, although I very much enjoy the Silver Age team-ups of The Flash and Green Lantern might I suggest you also consider those of Green Lantern and Green Arrow. That way I could wear my Flash t-shirt.”

“Great suggestion, sweetie. I’ll wear Green Arrow. Penny can wear green Lantern and you can be The Flash.”

“A wonderful idea, Nora.”

Nora looked over at Leonard who was still staring at her. She made absolutely no effort to cover herself.

“Excuse me, Leonard, but it looks like you want to say something. If I were you I’d think _long_ and _hard_ before you say what you eventually _come_ up with.”

“Nora, I’m done here. Let’s go back over to Penny’s. I’m sure she’s getting impatient. She really does not have a very long attention span.”

“You got that right.”

Nora laughed. Leonard thought it sound like a particularly salacious laugh. He still hadn’t found any words. Nora went back down the hallway to Sheldon’s room and quickly returned wearing Sheldon’s classic Green Arrow t-shirt and carrying his Flash and Green Lantern t-shirts.

“Coming, Sheldon?”

“Indeed. Oh, by the way, Leonard, I’m considering getting a tattoo. Do you believe a Kermit the Frog tattoo would work for me?”

And with that, Nora and Sheldon went back across the hall to Penny’s apartment. After a moment or two, Leonard just sputtered. “W…w…w…what the f…f….f….frack. He went over to Sheldon’s computer and watched the screen saver. The photos he saw the previous night seemed to have disappeared. Instead, there were new photos of Sheldon being kissed by Penny and Nora, a shot of Nora and Penny hugging, it looked like they were topless but you couldn’t really see anything, and pictures of tattoos. Leonard recognized Penny’s Cookie Monster tattoo. And he knew the Fozzie Bear belonged to Nora because he had just seen it in person. But the previous evening’s naked romp was gone. Leonard knew he hadn’t imagined it.

“Wait a second. Sheldon wants to get a Kermit the Frog tattoo? What the hell is going on?”

When Sheldon and Nora got back over to Penny’s they tried to hold back but quickly broke down laughing.

“Sheldon, you were brilliant! Did you get everything done?”

“I did. And Nora, you were likewise brilliant. Your plan worked to perfection. The look on Leonard’s face when you walked out into the living room wearing only your underpants was priceless. I regret that I could not photograph it.”

“So it sounds like you guys had a good time?”

“We did. The screen saver has been changed and Leonard is none the wiser.”

“Anything else?”

Sheldon looked a bit nervously over at Nora. He really didn’t want to upset Penny with the news of their discovery of Leonard’s DVD. He hoped Nora wouldn’t say anything.

“Sheldon came up with something incredible. And it was just perfect because of the photos we took of our tattoos that are on the screen saver now.”

“What did you say, sweetie.”

“Inspired by your Cookie Monster tattoo and Nora’s Fozzie Bear, I suggested to Leonard that I was considering a Kermit the Frog tattoo.”

Penny’s mouth dropped open, and then she laughed harder than she had in a very long time and gave Sheldon a hug.

“I’m not joking. I’m seriously considering it. Where do you think it should go?”

 

_Next: Prelude to Girl’s Night_

 


	17. Chapter 17

**17**

 

 

Bernadette arrived early for Sunday’s Girl’s Night. She was hoping to spend a few minutes alone with Penny.

“Nora, would you mind stepping out for a few minutes. I think Bernie and I need to talk.”

“Sure, sweetie. I’ll just run out and get some milk in case anyone wants coffee. There’s never enough milk around here.”

“Thanks.”

Nora headed out. She knew damn well that there was a half-gallon of milk in the fridge but she also knew that Penny and Bernadette really needed time to repair some damage.

“Penny, let me start. I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve been doing. I haven’t been a very good friend.”

“Bernie, I really don’t blame you, not at all. I don’t really blame anyone. Most of this is on me.”

“I really, really wanted you to be as happy as I am with Howie. I thought that Leonard was the guy to do that.”

“Yeah, Leonard’s had a lot of us fooled for a long time. The only happiness that Leonard is really interested in is his own.”

“I guess I had this fantasy of all of us happily married and together as friends forever.”

“It’s a nice picture. And I’ll freely admit it’s a picture that I thought I really wanted to be part of for a very long time. It’s just a little divorced from reality.”

“But…”

“It’s really not the same picture Leonard wants. And Leonard has a really clear picture of what he wants.”

“What’s that?”

“Pretty much it’s sex on demand with a pretty girlfriend he can show off, followed by a house with a white picket fence and a pretty wife he can show off with sex on demand, and then kids and a wife who’ll take care of them and sex on demand and someone on the side for more sex on demand.”

“Wow. The only person who benefits from that picture is Leonard.”

“Yup.”

“How did we not see this?”

“We drink a lot. Especially me.”

“So you really haven’t been happy for a long time? Have you?”

“No. And I’ve been feeling worse and worse about myself and Leonard really knows how to push my buttons and take advantage of that. It got to the point that I thought that he was the only good thing in my life and if I wanted to keep him I’d have to marry him to be even a little bit happy.”

“And me and Amy kept pushing you towards him.”

“Yup.”

“I’m so, so sorry. And I’m sorry that I yelled at you about Howie helping you. That was kind of Amy’s idea.”

“Yeah. I know you and Amy have been kind of tight. I’m sorry if I’ve caused problems for you there.”

“Penny, I always thought that girl was a little off. But then again we’re all not exactly the picture of normalcy. And she’s dating Sheldon after all.”

“Bernie, just like you and Amy were encouraging me to stay with Leonard, we’ve all been encouraging Sheldon to stay with Amy. I think both things were wrong.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I don’t even know if she did her scent-spreading thing at our apartment but I’ve cleaned it from top to bottom and she’s not coming back in. Luckily the only thing that Howie’s mom ever does at her place is clean so if Amy did anything there it didn’t last long. And luckily she’s never been to Howie’s lab.”

“I feel sorry for her but what she did really showed disrespect for Sheldon. I know he’s a wackadoodle  and that most of this stuff is in his head, but it’s not like we don’t know what will freak him out. It’s like she didn’t care or that her dysfunction was more important than his.”

“So has Sheldon terminated their Relationship Agreement?”

“Bernie, there’s some stuff we’ll talk about when everybody is here. I think it’s better if we do it then.”

“Are we okay, Penny?”

“I think so. I hope so. And I really am sorry that I asked Howard to help me with that clip. I should have run it by you before I asked him. That was my bad.”

“I think I understand. You were probably pretty pissed off.”

“I still am. I’m just really lucky that I have Nora and Sheldon. They’ve both been amazing. Really freaking amazing.”

At that moment Penny’s door opened and Nora walked in with Alex. Alex had a big bowl with her.

“I made chocolate mousse and I brought some fresh fruit.”

“Mmmm. Sounds like fun.”

 

_Next: Girl’s Night_

 


	18. Chapter 18

**18**

Penny and Nora had put out a light spread for Girl’s Night. Crudite, a couple of different dips, fruit, yogurt (but not the one that helps ladies poop) and cheese and crackers. And Alex had brought dessert. Everything was laid out on a low table in the middle of the living room so they could easily schmooze and snack. There was soda and seltzer and bottled water in the fridge. Penny was absolutely insistent that there be no alcohol. After everyone had loaded a plate and started to munch Penny began.

“Okay, we all know each other. Hopefully after tonight we’ll know each other a little better. Bernie and I have been doing this kind of thing for a long time. We’d get together, maybe go out to a bar, maybe go out dancing, but we pretty much did it without guys and when we went out it wasn’t to find guys. Mostly. For a while, Amy Farrah Fowler was part of it. She isn’t any more. I’m sorry about that. Tonight isn’t about bashing people or hating on people or talking smack. This is really because there are some new people in my life, Nora and Alex, and I want us all to know each other a little better and share stories and advice. We all have problems and issues and I know it always helps to talk things out.”

“Penny…”

“Yeah, Bernie.”

“You have to admit that these get-togethers can also cause some of the problems.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“I’m sorry to say that I helped push Penny towards Leonard. And so did Amy. For a long time all we did was drink a lot of wine and talk smack about Leonard’s then-girlfriend Priya and tell Penny that everything would be better if she got back together with Leonard.”

“Bernie, you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“But we did. We watched you drink more and more and all we did was think it was funny. We made fun of it, not to get you to stop, but to say “my drunk girlfriend does the funniest things or says the funniest things.” We didn’t really pay attention to how much you were hurting inside.”

“Bernie, I told you before that I don’t blame you. I’m responsible for the hole I dug myself into. And besides, I really don’t want to focus on the past. I have a lot to look forward to. I know things are going to get better for me. They already have. Nora’s part of my life now. And I really hope Alex will be , too. And I hope there will be even more people. Sheldon said a funny thing to me the other day. I don’t have his eidetic memory so I can’t quote it exactly but he said that I _should_ know a lot of people and I’ve been settling for knowing a very few. I’m not talking about friends. I’m talking about being social and meeting all kinds of different people and choosing the ones that I want to play a bigger role in my life.”

“And you’re talking about love too, aren’t you, Penny?”

“Yeah, Alex I kind of am.”

“Penny, I know Leonard Hofstadter a little bit, certainly not as well as you. From what I could tell, when he wasn’t trying to impress me, the way he felt about you couldn’t exactly be called love. I mean, it was love, but not the love two people have for each other when it’s mutual. He loved you kind of like an award-winning pet. He liked how your beauty and your accomplishments like that commercial reflected on him, and made him look better and made other guys jealous of him.”

“Wow, Alex, you really nailed Leonard.”

“Thank you, Bernadette, but it’s probably only because of how much time Leonard spent trying to nail me.”

“First burn of the night to Alex!”

“And now you’re with someone who really cares for you. Right, Nora?”

“Okay. Bernadette, I’m not mad at you so please don’t take this the wrong way. Penny and I are roommates and friends. I like her a lot but we are not a couple and we aren’t going to be. Amy decided that was going on. And for some very good reasons we’re letting someone believe that it’s true. It isn’t. To be really honest there’s a little part of me that wishes that wasn’t the case but I’m not the right one for Penny. And besides, our Penny is a straight girl.”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Penny went to see who it was thinking it might be Leonard in which case she’d just let him knock like she had last night.

“Crap. It’s Amy. What should I do?”

“Penny, we’re here for you. There is absolutely no chance that any of us will turn on you, right?” Nora began.

“I’m here for you Penny. I don’t know you very well but I really don’t like Dr. Fowler.”

Everyone looked at Bernadette.

“Okay, I know I was her friend and I know we’re both scientists and should have a lot in common. But to be honest right now the only thing I’m thinking is that I wish I had some weaponized smallpox that I could spread on something that I could make her lick. Teach her to fucking spread her fucking scent.”

“Bernie!”

“Go ahead. Let her in. Just keep me away from her.”

Penny opened the door.

“Hello Amy. What can I do for you?”

“I know what you can do for me. You can stay away from my boyfriend. And keep your dyke friend away from my boyfriend. Where are you keeping him?”

“Sheldon is out with friends.”

“No he’s not. Leonard is his friend. Leonard doesn’t know where he is. And Leonard told me about what happened here on Friday. He told me about the pictures.”

“Amy, I don’t owe you any explanations. And I certainly don’t have to tell you anything about what my friend Sheldon and I do when we’re together.”

“It’s okay Penny. I know it’s not really you. I know that you’re easily led because you aren’t as smart as the rest of us. It’s her talking advantage of you because she wants your sweet, sweet body.”

“Amy, you couldn’t be more wrong. And I see no reason to let you stay here and insult my friends.”

“I don’t see any friends here. All I see is the woman your boyfriend wants on the side because you won’t satisfy him. And a woman who’s taking advantage of you so she has a place to live and someone to have intercourse with. And Bernadette, I’m very disappointed in you. You and I have much more in common than you have with any of these women. I never told you but you were always my bestie-in-waiting in case Penny and I ever decided to explore our deep feelings for each other.”

“Amy, the last thing I want to be is your bestie. We helped turn your last bestie into a drunk and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to make up for that. And, by the way, if I ever see you lick anything in my presence that isn’t food I will rip your fucking tongue out of your head.”

Amy looked right at Penny.

“So _you_ told Sheldon. And everyone else it seems. You didn’t seem to have a problem when I did it. When you were afraid that bitch was stealing your man?”

“You know what, Amy. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you right then. I really am. What you did was disgusting. And disrespectful. I get chills when I think about it.”

“I did it to fix Sheldon.”

“No, you did it because you will never believe that anyone could like you for who you are. And you know what? You’re right. I don’t like you any more, Amy. And I pity you. You had a bunch of friends who welcomed you into their lives but that wasn’t enough. You had to spread your pheromones around to make sure I liked you. You had to make me be your best friend when I never wanted that. And you have been peppering me with unwanted sexual innuendoes for years because there’s some part of you that wants to fuck me. You forced my best friend into a relationship during which you have disrespected everything that makes him the unique and wonderful person that he is.”

“We are still in a relationship. He has not terminated the contract and we have a date on Thursday. So there. And after our date I will make certain he will never see you again. And you will be a sad and lonely drunk who’s can only get a job by taking her clothes off. You’re pathetic, Penny. You all are. You may have each other but I’ll have Sheldon. I’ll have a Nobel Prize recipient.”

At that point Nora got up out of her seat with Alex right behind her. Nora marched up to Amy and said “You. Out” sticking her index finger in Amy’s chest. Amy swung her handbag at Nora and Nora fell to the side. Amy was getting ready to swing her handbag again, the same one that had broken Penny’s nose because Amy kept a coffee can full of loose change in it, when Alex balled her fist and punched Amy right in the face. Her glasses flew off and she fell backwards out the door into the hallway and Penny slammed the door behind her.

Bernadette, who had learned a little something from her husband, recorded the whole thing.

Nora was still a little woozy and leaned against the wall, sliding down to the floor but Alex was quickly at her side comforting her.

Bernadette ran to the kitchen to help Penny who was gathering ice for Nora.

“Penny, should we call the cops.”

“No, Bernie. But you got that whole thing right?”

“Pretty much.”

“Please send it to Howard and ask him to show it to Sheldon. And then maybe we’ll put it up on YouTube.”

Nora seemed to be collecting her wits. Alex was sitting on the floor and Nora’s head was in her lap. Alex was stroking Nora’s hair. Even though a big part of Penny was really upset at what had happened she couldn’t help but smile.

Penny and Bernadette brought Nora an ice pack. Alex held the ice pack against the side of Nora’s head.

“Nora, are you alright. Should we take you to the hospital?”

“I..I think I’m okay. I don’t think she got me square in the head. It kind of just pushed me off balance. What the hell was that?”

“She used to keep a coffee can filled with change in her bag. She promised after she broke my nose with it that she wouldn’t do that anymore. I have a feeling she might have been planning that.”

“What a bitch!”

Penny stood there and thought for a second.

“Okay, I’m making an executive decision. We’re going to the hospital so Nora can get x-rayed. We’re not taking any chances.”

“That’s a really good idea Penny” Alex added. “Besides, I think I might have broken my hand.”

Bernadette ran to get more ice.

“I have Howie’s car. We’ll use it to go to the hospital. Just let me text Howie and let him know.”

“And another Fight Night at Penny’s comes to an end.” Penny said as they walked out the door.”

They could see that Amy Farrah Fowler’s glasses were still on the floor in the hallway as was her weaponized bag.

“I bet she’s in there with Leonard. Those two definitely deserve each other.” Bernadette commented as she followed the others down the stairs.

 

_Next: Boy’s Night_

 


	19. Chapter 19

**19**

_As the girls were gathering at Penny’s apartment_

Raj came by and picked Sheldon up in front of 2311 North Los Robles. Howard and Stuart were already in the back seat so Sheldon could sit in the front, which is where he’d probably want to sit anyway.

“So, _The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_ again?”

“Do you mind if we were to just go somewhere, have some dinner and perhaps talk?”

“Um, was that Sheldon or are you practicing your ventriloquism again, Howard?”

“It was me, Raj. Things are a somewhat unsettled and I was hoping we could just discuss them.”

“Is this stuff you’d usually talk about with Leonard, Sheldon?”

“Partly.”

“Why don’t we go to The Cheesecake Factory. We really haven’t been since Penny quit.”

“I doubt that they’ll be able to get my order right, but why not?”

The boys were quiet until they arrived at and were seated at The Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon really didn’t want to start a conversation that would be interrupted and he really wasn’t in the mood to share factioids or even play a car game.

Once they placed their orders, Sheldon began.

“You all know that I am typically a big fan of homeostasis, correct.”

Stuart looked confused.

“I don’t really know what you mean, Sheldon.”

“Sheldon doesn’t like change.”

“Thank you, Raj. It’s true. Change gives me a tummy ache. Yet, I find myself on the precipice of great change in my life.”

“How so, buddy?”

“You should be aware that I will be terminating my relationship agreement with Amy Farrah Fowler shortly.”

“Because of the scent-spreading thing?”

“Those are the nominal grounds, but there is a great deal more.”

“You’re still uncomfortable with her touching you and kissing and stuff, aren’t you.”

“Amy Farrah Fowler puts great stock in doing these things with me.”

“Sheldon, once you get over the hump you’ll find you enjoy it.”

“Perhaps I haven’t been very clear, Stuart. It isn’t that I’m uncomfortable with touching and kissing and stuff as you put it. But I am uncomfortable doing them with Amy Farrah Fowler. I feel no physical attraction to her. None at all. In fact, I find her physically distasteful. Especially since I found out about her scent spreading.”

“But Sheldon, you don’t like anyone touching you.”

“Guys, that’s not really true. Nora’s been all over Sheldon and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all.”

“Is that it, Sheldon? Do you like Nora?”

“I like Nora a great deal. However, I do not intend to become involved in a romantic relationship with Nora.”

“You know, Sheldon, you don’t have to become romantically involved with Nora to have a physical relationship with her.”

“I’m aware.”

“Wait a second. Have you already been with Nora?”

“I won’t answer that.”

“You have, haven’t you? You dog.”

“I did not come her to have that discussion. If you insist on having it I demand you take me home.”

“Okay. Okay. So you’ve decided to end your relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler. But you’ll still be friends, right?”

“I don’t believe I can do that. There may have been a time when I could but no longer.”

“Why?”

“She doesn’t respect me.”

“I don’t think that’s true dude. She’s always bragging about the Nobel you’re going to win.”

“I have come to understand that that is the only part of me she respects. It is her intention to eliminate the parts of my personality she does not enjoy, as well as the things I love that she does not appreciate.”

“But that’s what relationships are like, Sheldon.”

“I am given to understand that is not always the case. Howard, we know that Bernadette does not really appreciate your magic tricks. Correct?”

“Yeah. It’s just not her thing.”

“Has she forbidden you from doing them?”

“No.”

“Amy Farrah Fowler does not like comic books, science fiction or toys. And she barely tolerates my love of trains. She has told Penny and Bernadette that she intends to remove these things from my life as they would be unseemly for a Nobel Prize recipient.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Indeed.”

“In addition, she has tried on multiple occasions to modify my behavior.”

“Well, Sheldon, some of your compulsions and phobias are kind of, you know, well nuts.”

“They may appear so. However for me they are a way of dealing with a world that I often find very confusing. And, over the years some of them have been tempered somewhat.”

“Like which ones.”

“It wasn’t very long ago that me being here with a group of people out in public would have been unimaginable. Now it is a normal part of my life. In fact, it has become a new compulsion. Until recently coming here on Tuesday night was as much of a necessity as knocking three times. So I am capable of change, just at my pace.”

“Sheldon, you’ve been with Amy for what, three years now and she’s still waiting for you to become physical with her. That’s pretty patient.”

“What will happen between myself and Amy has been settled. It will end. I’m sorry. There is, however, another matter that you may have even more difficulty with.”

“Leonard.”

“Yes. I no longer wish to live with him. I do not like the person he has become. And it is clear he does not like me very much.”

“Are you sure it’s not just a phase you’re going through? There have been times when I can’t stand the sight of Howard.”

“When?”

“This isn’t about you. Howard.”

“There is also Leonard’s treatment of Penny.”

“I had a feeling.”

“Do you remember what Penny was like when we first knew her? She was feisty and fun and lit up every room she was in.”

“Yeah, she was hot.”

“But recently, especially after she and Leonard reconciled, she has mostly been sad, defeated…”

“And drunk.”

“And Leonard apparently prefers her that way. And that is wrong and I will no longer allow it.”

“You like Penny, don’t you Sheldon?”

“That’s irrelevant. She is my friend and she requires my support.”

“Sheldon, we all like Penny. And I think we all agree that Leonard has been a ginormous asshat regarding her. But he’s always been somewhat of a jerk when it comes to taking care of Little Leonard. Little Leonard always comes first, in more ways than one. But there’s something else we know.”

“Yeah, we know that out of all of us, Penny has always been your favorite. She’s been accumulating strikes for years and has never once taken your class. She takes care of you when you’re sick and you take care of her.”

“And I believe that I’ve failed in that regard and I wish to change that. Leonard has hurt her and made her sad and refuses to respect her wishes. I truly believe that if Leonard remains in Apartment 4A Penny will find it necessary to move away and I just cannot abide that. If faced with a choice, I would much prefer Penny to remain in my life and Leonard to be gone from it.”

“Are you going to do something about that?

“I am doing something about that. And Nora and Penny are assisting me. I am sorry, Howard and Raj. I realize that Leonard has been your friend longer than he has been mine and you may have some feelings about this. That is part of the reason I wish to have this discussion.”

“Sheldon, you’re right, Howard and I have known Leonard a bit longer than you. But that only means we’ve seen how he can be for longer. We don’t live with him. And that’s a very good thing. If you don’t want to live with him than and you want our support, well, you have mine. I for one have grown tired of watching everything that he is and everything that he does be in service to Little Leonard. And I agree his treatment of Penny has been abominable. However, I really do believe that you need to accept something, Sheldon. Accept it and you will be much more comfortable with what you must do. And I believe that Howard, and possibly even Stuart, know what I’m talking about.”

“What are you talking about Raj?”

“You are, and you always have been, in love with Penny.”

“That’s preposterous.”

“Raj is right. Absolutely and completely right. And Sheldon?”

“Yes, Howard”

 Just then, Howard’s phone beeped and he took it out.

“Um, guys, Bernie just sent me a video and she said we need to see it right away.”

Howard held up his phone and the others leaned in to watch Amy Farrah Fowler haranguing the girls and then attacking Nora.

Sheldon stood up.

“I must go home. Raj take me home.”

“Sheldon, Bernie just texted me again. They’re going to the hospital. Let’s go.”

_Next: The Hospital_

 


	20. Chapter 20

**20**

 

Dr. Stephanie Barnett was having a typical Sunday night in the emergency room, a couple of car accidents, a couple of gunshot wounds, a stabbing, two women in labor, some standard muggings that racists were now labeling “The Knockout Game”, a couple of broken arms, a broken nose, a broken hand and a possible mild concussion. The last three had actually ended up being the most interesting. The broken nose claimed she had been attacked by a pack of rabid lesbians and the broken hand and possible mild concussion said that they were assaulted by woman armed with a coffee can filled with loose change. Stephanie guessed that the broken hand and the mild concussion were together because they couldn’t seem to take their eyes off of each other. The evening got even more interesting when Stephanie walked out into the waiting room to see her old boyfriend on one end of the room and his roommate, her old boyfriend’s other friends, her old boyfriend’s longtime on-again off-again girlfriend and some others gathered on the other end of the room.

“Um, who’s here for Nora Glass and Alex Jensen?”

Because out of everyone in the group he was certain his relationship with Dr. Stephanie was best, Sheldon elected himself group spokesman.

“Hello Dr. Stephanie. Do you have information as to the current condition of my friends?”

“Hi Sheldon. Um, yeah. Ms. Jensen has a broken hand. It’s being set and she should be ready in a few minutes. Ms. Glass may have a slight concussion and she’s having an MRI just to be sure. Sheldon, the story they told me sounded a little ridiculous. What the heck happened?”

“I can only report what I have been told as I was not there myself, having been out with Howard and Raj, who you may recall, and our friend Stuart. However, my neighbor and best friend Penny was having a gathering at her home when my girlfriend, Amy Farrah Fowler, who had not been invited to the gathering, arrived and began berating the attendees. When Nora, Ms. Glass, invited her to depart, Amy Farrah Fowler assaulted her with her handbag in which she had secreted a coffee can filled with loose change. Amy Farrah Fowler had on a previous occasion broken Penny’s nose with the same coffee-can laden handbag and had promised me that she would not repeat the incident so I can only assume that this assault was planned.”

“And Ms. Jensen’s broken hand?”

“Apparently my assistant was defending Ms. Glass.”

“You know if this was actually an assault you should inform the police.”

“We are currently discussing our options. How is Nora?”

“I think she’s probably alright. I’m having her get a MRI just to be sure. Concussions can be a funny thing. We want to be careful. Does she have someone to take care of her at home?”

“Nora lives with Penny and I am currently staying there also, so yes.”

“Okay, just to be safe, when you get her home she should avoid anything that could cause further brain injury, tasks that require concentration like homework or writing reports and she shouldn’t be exposed to bright lights or loud sounds. They can overstimulate the brain.”

“Is that all?”

“Pretty much. But keep a close eye on her. If there are any changes in her behavior, if she has any problems getting around give me a call. Okay?”

“Thank you, Dr. Stephanie.”

“Sheldon, may I ask you a question?”

“You may.”

“You don’t seem to be very concerned with the condition of the woman you identified as your girlfriend, who apparently dresses like my grandmother.”

“That would be because I am not terribly concerned. I believe she intentionally carried out the assault and if all that happened is she sustained a nasal fracture, than that is merely justice for her previous accidental assault on Penny.”

“Why is Leonard over there while you are all over here with his girlfriend?”

“Penny is no longer his girlfriend, a situation he is unwilling to accept. Apparently when Amy Farrah Fowler sustained her injury she sought his aid. If that is the case than they deserve each other.”

“This is all very confusing.”

“To an outsider, it must be. I am sorry.”

“So it’s okay with you if Leonard is taking care of your girlfriend?”

“Amy Farrah Fowler’s “girlfriend” appellation merely reflects her status as specified in a Relationship Agreement I have with her. That Agreement is subject to imminent renegotiation and likely termination. She hurt my friends. And not just those she injured this evening. And Dr. Stephanie…”

“Yes, Sheldon.”

“If I may I would like to offer some advice. Though you were enamored of Leonard some time ago, I would recommend you not revisit that relationship. He is either not the same person he once was or the person he once was was a fraud. He is not a nice person. And regarding Amy Farrah Fowler, I suggest you re-sterilize everything she has been permitted to come in contact with. She is a willful spreader of germs.”

“Thank you, Sheldon. I need to speak with Leonard now.”

Stephanie walked over to Leonard who was looking over at his friends angrily.

“Hello Leonard.”

“Hello Stephanie. How is Dr. Fowler?”

“She has a broken nose. It’s been reset. She should be out shortly.

“Thank you.”

“You should be aware Leonard that it looks like your friend assaulted two women and it is very possible that the police may get involved.”

“I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.”

“When you intentionally carry a coffee can of change in your bag it seems to me that you are looking to have a misunderstanding.”

“Stephanie, pardon me but you don’t have all of the details. I’m sure if you did you’d know that Dr. Fowler is the victim here. If you like I could get together with you when your shift is over and I could tell you about it and update you on some things.”

Across the waiting room Raj tugged at Howard.

“Howard, look at Leonard. He’s giving Dr. Stephanie his “puppy dog fuck me” look.

“Un-freaking-believable.”

“I’m sorry, Leonard. I expect to be busy. However, feel free to text me. The same way you broke up with me. As I said, your friend will be out shortly. Goodbye.”

Stephanie returned to Sheldon.

“Thank you Sheldon.”

“For what?”

“You’re right about Leonard. He just tried to put a move on me. Fucking asshole.”

“Stephanie, if you are amenable, would you be interested in joining myself and my friends for a meal or other activity at some point in the future? It is doubtful that either Leonard or Amy Farrah Fowler would be in attendance.”

“You know, I think I might like that. I have a very busy schedule with work so don’t take it personally if I have to decline a couple of times. Keep trying.”

“I will. It was very pleasant to see you despite the distressing circumstances.”

“It was nice to see you too, Sheldon.”

As Dr. Stephanie Barnett waked away she chuckled to and thought “How strange? Back when I was dating him I thought Leonard was the socially well-adjusted one and Sheldon was kind of an antisocial outcast and now Sheldon is the one surrounded by friends who clearly care about him and Leonard is the outcast. Maybe I should be glad Leonard dumped me. He’s turned into a bitter little troll.”

 

_Next: Back to Penny’s and Nora’s Apartment_

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**21**

 

 

When they were through at the hospital Bernadette drove the girls back to Penny’s apartment building. Raj, as he had all night, drove the boys. Everyone reconvened at Penny’s and Nora’s apartment.

“Folks, there’s still food here if anyone wants a snack.” Penny said pointing at the spread they’d set out earlier.”

Bernadette asked “What now?”

Sheldon, reprising his role as group spokesman, began “As we have been told by Dr. Stephanie that it is inadvisable for Nora to make major decisions as yet, we will not do anything regarding Amy Farrah Fowler at this time. However, I will retain an attorney for her so we may later discuss legal options. To my mind Amy Farrah Fowler came here intending to assault someone. That should not be allowed to pass.”

“Thank you, Sheldon.” Penny and Nora said concurrently.

“Now, as Nora requires rest, I would advise that you all soon return to your homes. Alex, are you able to drive with your broken hand?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay. I’ll be at work tomorrow.”

“You will not. I prefer that you take a couple of days. And there is another task that I prefer you do, if you are amenable.”

“What’s that, Sheldon?”

“As I have work I must complete and an attorney to retain, and Penny must continue her preparations for her upcoming auditions, I would appreciate it if you would spend your mornings with Nora for the next few days, if you do not mind. She should not be left alone in the event Amy Farrah Fowler did damage to her that has not yet become evident.”

Both Alex and Nora smiled.

“I’d be happy to do that for you Sheldon.”

“I want you all to be assured that my Relationship Agreement with Amy Farrah Fowler will be terminated. Of that there is no doubt, especially after her actions this evening. Penny has advised me that this task is one best done in person and I respect her expertise in this area. In order to be certain that I am in no way dissuaded from accomplishing this task Penny will accompany me this Thursday, which is when I intend to take care of it. I would very much appreciate it if none of you were to share this information with Amy Farrah Fowler or Leonard Hofstadter.”

“You can depend on us, buddy.” Howard responded.

“Stuart, are you sure you’re okay with not speaking to Amy?”

“We went out once a while back and I don’t much like the look on her face when she comes into the store, like what I do is corrupt children or something. So I’m fine not saying anything to her.”

“Stuart, I believe that is more about me. She does not respect comic books and graphic literature as an art form or as something I enjoy. She believes they are beneath her and intended for juvenile, immature minds and she has told me as much. There is another, more sensitive matter. Penny, Nora is it all right with you if I allude to our activities?”

“Sheldon, these are our friends. I trust them.”

“If it’s okay with Penny, it’s okay with me.”

“Alright. Please do not be overwhelmed by the salacious nature of what I am about to impart to you. I have determined that I no longer wish to share a residence with Leonard Hofstadter. His decision to expose an embarrassing episode in Penny’s past to strangers in an effort to merely boost his own ego was beyond the pale. His inability to accept that what he did was wrong just further points out his selfish nature. Since just asking him to depart would not serve our need for a just resolution of this particular situation we have devised a plot for, well, vengeance. Initially we wished throw Leonard off-balance and confuse him. Pursuant to that Penny, Nora and I have led Leonard to believe that the three of us, oh I’m sorry but I must use this term, fucked each other on Friday night. We have done this via a series of photographs that were temporarily available for Leonard to see on my screen saver and that he has already seen. And that no one will ever see again. This is but a part of our plan.”

“Seems like a pretty convoluted but incredibly hot plan, Sheldon.”

“Howie!”

“In any case, I believe that it is working. However, there is a final step and it will involve you all being present at CALTech on Friday morning. I cannot tell you any more than that. I will have specific assignments for each of you who wish to assist us. Please do not share this information outside of this group. However, snide comments around Leonard concerning our _ménage a trios_ would be encouraged. Howard, may I depend upon you for that?”

“Absolutely!”

“Penny and Nora, have I appropriately shared our information?”

“You have, Moonpie, but here’s the thing. The three of us really do care for each other or we never would have done this. But except for Leonard we didn’t do this to hurt anyone or chase anyone away. Sheldon and I determined, because of the lousy treatment we’ve received from Leonard and Amy that we want them out of our lives permanently. Because Sheldon is an honorable person he was going to let Amy break up with him. We already know that her scent-spreading escapades violated their Relationship Agreement. So that was really over before anything she did tonight. As for Leonard, unfortunately being an asshole is not a violation of Sheldon and Leonard’s Roommate Agreement. And he refuses to accept that our relationship has ended permanently, despite my having told him that repeatedly. As long as he lives across the hall he will assume he has a chance with me. And he’ll make Sheldon’s life unbearable. So we are going to make it so that there is no way Leonard wants to keep living across the hall. We decided that the best way to do that was to show him that I was unavailable to him because I was not only with Nora, but also Sheldon, his supposed best friend. Is what we did a little bit evil? Maybe. Am I sorry? Not a fucking bit. Anybody have any problems?

“Only with never being able to see the photos. Those must have been hot!”

“Howie!”

“Okay. Now everybody go home. In theory we’ll be having Thai food here tomorrow night but that really depends on how Nora’s doing so I’ll let you know.”

Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Stuart filed out. Alex hung back.

“Um, is it okay if I speak to Nora in private for a minute.”

“Sure, use my bedroom, I mean don’t use my bedroom, I mean, speak in my bedroom. Crap.”

“Penny, sweetie, don’t tie yourself up in knots. We’re not going to fuck in your bedroom. At least not now.”

“Nora!”

“Sorry, Alex. Sorry, Penny. I actually don’t know if we’re going to fuck in your bedroom right now. It’s up to Alex.”

“Nora!”

“I better stop talking. Going to the bedroom now.”

After the door to Penny’s bedroom closed Penny looked at Sheldon.

“I can’t believe how cute those two are.”

“They do seem to have hit it off.”

“Thank you for making sure they’re together for the next few days.”

“I considered the available options and it was the one that made the most sense. The possibility the Alex and Nora would bond was coincidental.”

“C’mon, Sheldon. You saw the sparks on Friday.”

“I did. And at the hospital tonight. I am very happy for them. However, it does raise an interesting question.”

“What’s that?”

“What will the sleeping arrangements be tonight?”

 

_Penny’s Bedroom_

Nora and Alex went into Penny’s bedroom and sat on the bed. For a couple of minutes they just looked into each other’s eyes. Alex couldn’t stand it anymore so she started.

“So, um, hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi”

“So the doctor said I shouldn’t make any big decisions in case Amy broke my head or something.”

“Is this a big decision?”

“Could be.”

“I know.”

“I think maybe I have an idea.”

“What your idea.”

“I kinda made a decision on Friday so it probably doesn’t count.”

“What did you decide?”

“I decided that I really, really wanted to kiss you.”

“I’m okay with that.”

_Next: More Sheldon & Penny and Alex & Nora_


	22. Chapter 22

**22**

 

A little while later, after cleaning up the food remaining from the Girl’s Night spread, putting what could be saved in Tupperware he’d retrieved from his apartment (Leonard had apparently not yet returned home), Sheldon was preparing tea for Penny and himself.

Penny walked over to her bedroom door and put her ear up against it. Hearing nothing she carefully and quietly turned the knob and looked in. She smiled.

“Sheldon, come here” she whispered, signaling with her hand for Sheldon to come over and join her.”

Sheldon joined Penny as she opened her bedroom door a bit wider so they could both stick their heads in. The first thing Sheldon saw was clothing on the floor. Then he looked up to see Nora being cradled by Alex. They were both fast asleep and quite naked.

“Penny, please close the door.” Sheldon said in a low tone.

“Okay. But they look so cute, don’t they?”

“They are not cuddly pets or tiny children so I do not understand how they could be cute.”

‘C’mon, Sheldon. Alex is taking care of Nora. It’s cute. Deal with it.”

Penny felt for a moment like she was channeling Bernadette with that comment.

“Actually, I feel a bit uncomfortable. I don’t believe it’s appropriate that I see my employee in that state of undress.”

“But, Sheldon, how do you feel about Alex and Nora together?”

“Penny, we were both aware of Nora’s attraction to Alex. When I viewed Alex leaping to Nora’s defense in Bernadette’s video it confirmed for me that Alex likewise felt an attraction to Nora. That they would find themselves in bed together is the logical result of their mutual attraction.”

“Sheldon, lot’s of people are attracted to each other. They don’t necessarily end up in bed together. A couple of examples come to mind.”

“Penny, you yourself have addressed mutual attraction just as quickly, possibly more quickly in the past. I can point to a number of examples.”

“Sheldon, I’d prefer you didn’t. And I haven’t done that for a very long time. I want to know how you feel about this. I mean, after all, a couple of days ago you were in bed with Nora.”

“Penny, there was a purpose to Nora and I sharing a bed. You should know. You were there also.”

“Is that all that was to you? We were all serving a purpose.”

“You know that it isn’t. And Penny, I would pose the same question to you. How do you feel about Nora sharing your bed with Alex. From what Nora told me, the two of you have been sharing a bed since she moved in. In fact, last night while I slept on the couch the two of you slept together.”

“Sheldon, that’s all we did. We slept together. No hanky panky. Okay, one night we kind of made out but we both decided it was a bad idea and we stopped. We just both like having company in bed. And besides, you’re changing the subject. How do you really feel about what happened the other night. With us I mean.”

“I will admit that, as you very clearly saw, it excited me. And I have replayed the evening in my head many times since Friday and there are a number of aspects of it that I find very confusing.”

“Like what, sweetie.”

“If, even earlier last week, you had suggested such a thing would occur, that I would find myself in bed with two beautiful naked women who were touching me quite intimately, I would likely have said “Poppycock” and run screaming from the room. In fact, I still do not understand why I did not run when you first suggested the idea, or when the two of you first got on the bed with me, or at many other points as the evening progressed.”

“I think I kind of know why, Sheldon.”

“Please. Tell me.”

“It’s because you felt safe and you felt loved and you knew for certain that those things were both true. And they were. And they are. Nora and I both love you a great deal.”

“I suppose that makes some sense. But there’s more.”

“Go ahead.”

“Since you’ve already seen me, um, excited, I suppose I can talk about this a little. I assumed that I became excited by all of the touching, which as you know I am not normally comfortable with. However, as I’ve employed my eidetic memory to replay the evening in an attempt to understand my reaction I have become just as excited each and every time.”

“Sheldon, I appreciate that you’re speaking to me about something so personal. But, you’ve gotten, um, excited before, haven’t you?”

“Of course, but as with many things I do, it is scheduled and dealt with in as sanitary a way as possible.”

“So, let’s say, when you had to bathe Amy that time she faked being sick, that didn’t excite you, even a little.”

“Not a bit. In fact, and I don’t like revealing such a thing, thinking of it made it more difficult for me to, um, comfort myself at my next scheduled ministration.”

“Wow. So what you’re saying is that Nora and I turn you on and Amy doesn’t.”

“Penny, this is difficult for me to say. I like Nora a great deal and I do enjoy when she touches me and I did very much enjoy our get-together on Friday but I’m not necessarily attracted to her.”

“Wait a second. Are you saying that even though you were in bed with both of us and we were both all over you that the reason you got excited was me?”

“I’m sorry but yes.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you are my friend and you probably don’t feel the same way and my telling you this will now make you uncomfortable and you’ll hate me.”

“Oh, sweetie. No. No. I’m very happy you told me.”

“Earlier this evening at dinner Raj and Howard both said that I’m in love with you and I have been for a long time.”

“Is that true?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe.”

“Wow.”

“Penny?”

“Yes, sweetie.”

“I note that you haven’t said anything about how you feel.”

“I know.”

“Is it because you’re trying to determine how best to “let me down easy”?”

“No, Sheldon, it’s not. Not at all.”

“So why?”

“Okay, I’ll admit I’ve had feelings for you for a long time, probably since we first met. But you definitely didn’t seem interested and you acted a little well, nuts, and I got sidetracked with other guys and with Leonard for a long time and now that me and Leonard are over I feel like I need to do what I said I’d do and concentrate on my career and put myself back together. I only stopped drinking so much a little while ago and there are still so many things up in the air. I’m not even sure how I’m going to pay my rent next month.”

“So you don’t like me that way.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that I’m not in the right place to make a commitment like that. But I might be interested in exploring it.”

“What exactly are you saying, Penny?”

“What I’m saying is that even though this is the wrong time for me to be in a relationship that I know that there is something between us and there always has been and I owe it to myself and you to try to figure out what it is. But it’s probably going to take some time and you’re probably going to need to be really patient with me.”

“I think you know that I am capable of great patience.”

“Yeah, that’s one of the big differences between you and Leonard.”

“Can we please leave Leonard out of this?”

“Sure.”

“Penny, you mentioned that you don’t know how you’re going to pay your rent next month.”

“Yeah. Sheldon, don’t worry about that. Nora’s going back to work next week and she promised she’d get me some bartending shifts. From what she told me it won’t take too many to get me on top of my bills. And if it gets really bad I could start stripping.”

“Penny!”

“Kidding, sweetie, Kidding.”

“I’d like to change the subject.”

“Happily.”

“We have been so focused on ending my Relationship Agreement with Amy Farrah Fowler and my Roommate Agreement with Leonard that we really haven’t given very much consideration to what will happen once we are successful.”

“Well, I guess you’ll be living alone and if I’m reading our conversation correctly the two of us will be kind of dating.”

“I was reaching a similar conclusion. However, I don’t find it satisfactory.”

“You don’t want to date me?”

“No. I mean yes. I want to date you. I do not wish to live alone.”

“So advertise for a roommate. It’s a great apartment. You shouldn’t have too much trouble finding someone.”

“That will involve interviews and phone calls and checking references and if I do find a reasonable candidate negotiations over a Roommate Agreement and subsequent training so that my routines are not upset. I have an alternate proposal.”

“What?”

“ _You_ become my roommate. You would pay rent to me so you’d never need to hide from the landlord. I know you’ll eventually pay me so I wouldn’t nag you about it. You could purchase as many berets as you want and I will never say a thing.”

“What would it be like if we were living together and also sort of dating. I see the possibility that it could get awkward.”

“Penny, I have been voluntarily involved in exactly one relationship in the time you’ve known me. I have done nothing to violate that relationship. If we were to enter into a relationship you can be certain that I will abide by whatever terms are in our Relationship Agreement.”

Penny stood up and faced Sheldon with her hands on her hips

“Sheldon, with all the dancing around we’re doing to get you out of the last two agreements you signed, which you fucking wrote I might add, you are seriously entertaining writing another one. No. Uh uh. Not gonna happen.”

“But how will I know if I am fulfilling the terms of the relationship?”

“Okay, I’ll make it simple. If, and I emphasize, _if_ we decide to have a relationship these are the terms: I will treat you with love and respect and I expect you to treat me with love and respect. Anything else we’ll figure out. And if we decide to become roommates, same thing. And if you insist, I’ll sign something that says that, and only that. Okay, sweetie?”

“Okay.”

“Now, if I decide to become your roomie, what about Nora?”

“Nora could stay in your apartment and I know that she can afford to pay the rent herself. Besides, if she and Alex are to continue their relationship it will become uncomfortable no matter how close you are. In fact I will very shortly need to provide you with an example of future discomfort.”

“Huh? And Nora could sometimes stay at Alex’s.”

“Though I have not been overly curious about Alex’s living situation I do know that she shares a one-bedroom apartment much like you and Nora. There will be problems.”

“Can I think about it, Sheldon?”

“Of course. And there really is no hurry. I can easily afford the rent myself. I just prefer to have a roommate and I prefer that roommate to be you, Penny.”

“Okay.”

“And now to my illustration of your privacy problem. I need to use your bathroom. How do you suggest I do that?”

“You know Sheldon, you could just go across the hall and use yours.”

“I don’t believe so. While we were speaking I heard Leonard sneaking into the apartment. Vulcan hearing, remember? He was not alone.”

“Who was he with?”

“Well I’m certain it wasn’t Dr. Stephanie so I’ll assume it was Amy Farrah Fowler, possibly in a futile attempt to do to me what we’ve been doing to them.”

“Y’know, Sheldon, I’m halfway tempted to go across the hall with you to your bedroom and fuck your brains out just to show them.”

“Penny, though I now look forward to the possibility of the two of us someday having intimate relations I do not wish it in any way connected to a game of one-upsmanship with those two. I find the prospect distasteful and beneath us.”

“You’re right, Sheldon. So, back to your problem. The best I can suggest is tiptoe and don’t look?”

“I suppose that is my only option. I certainly won’t last until I get to work in the morning, even though that’s not very long from now. Well, here I go.”

Sheldon stood up and walked over to Penny’s bedroom door, carefully opened it and walked in. Closing the door behind him he held his right hand up to the right side of his face obscuring his vision so he couldn’t see Alex and Nora on Penny’s bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. Quietly closing the bathroom door behind him he proceeded to urinate, wash his hands, and then brush his teeth and use mouthwash. He then changed into his Sunday pajamas, which he had stored in Penny’s bathroom. He then proceeded to retrace his steps back to the living room.

“Sheldon, what are you doing?”

“I am attempting to return to the living room having performed my nightly ablutions.”

“No, I mean why are you covering your eyes?”

“I did not wish to intrude on your intimate tableau. You are naked after all Nora.”

“Sheldon, you have seen me naked on multiple occasions. You know for a fact that you seeing me naked doesn’t bother me. Not only that but we were in this very bed together the other night and I know you weren’t bothered by me being naked. You liked it. A lot.”

“But the paradigm has changed. You are in bed with Alex.”

“Hi Sheldon.”

“Alex, you are my employee and I do not wish to be called to Human Resources by Mrs. Davis to discuss seeing you naked.”

“Sheldon, I wouldn’t do that to you. I swear I wouldn’t. I consider you my friend now, not just my employer. And just like Nora, I really don’t mind if you see me.”

“Alright then.”

Sheldon lowered his hand and nervously tried to look both Nora and Alex in the eyes.

“Before we go any further I must inquire as to your health, Nora.”

“Huh?”

“How do you feel?”

“Pretty good, actually. Really. Pretty. Good.”

“I am gratified that you are feeling well. We will, however continue to observe you for the next few days.”

“Well, I have to say that I’ve really enjoyed the observing so far. Every bit of it. And I’m looking forward to Alex doing some more observing.”

“I would like to say that I’m very happy that the two of you have “hooked up”. I like you both very much.”

“Thank you Sheldon. I thought it might be possible that after the other night you might be uncomfortable with me being with someone else.”

“Nora, I am far more uncomfortable having this discussion in front of Alex. She may find it quite confusing.”

“Sheldon, Nora explained what you did. I understand and I don’t have a problem with any of it. Though, to be truthful, I would kind of like to see the photos.”

“I will have to think about that. We had determined that I would destroy them now that they have served their purpose but I find that I cannot make myself do that.”

“Sheldon, I’m really glad you said that. I think what happened that night was really big and I don’t want to just forget it happened.”

Apparently Penny heard the discussion and decided to stick her head in.

“I have not made any determination but I will place the photo card in my safety deposit box and after Amy Farrah Fowler is out of my life and Leonard is out of my apartment we can revisit our discussion concerning the photos. Is that agreeable to both of you?”

“Yes.”

“Yup.”

“Now, I would like to return to the living room and attempt to get a little REM sleep on the couch. Penny, I’m not sure where that leaves you.”

“Actually, Sheldon, it leaves me on the couch with you. Just go outside, make yourself comfortable and go to sleep. I’ll be out in a while. I’ll figure something out and I promise not to wake you. Okay.”

“Alright. Good night all.”

Sheldon left the bedroom and closed the door behind.

“Penny, you could just squeeze in here with us. It is your bed after all.”

“Yeah…no. Thanks, Nora. But you heard Sheldon not object to me joining him on the couch, didn’t you?”

“What’s going on?”

“Okay, in a really roundabout way Sheldon told me he loves me and he thinks he might be in love with me.”

“And…”

“I might be in love with him too. It’s just that the timing really sucks.”

“Honey, fuck the timing. Go out there and jump his bones.”

“C’mon, you know very well that would cause more problems than it would solve. We decided to explore our feelings for each other but take it slow.”

“That’s not all, is it?”

“No. He asked me to move in and be his roommate after we get rid of Leonard.”

“And…”

“I’m considering it. And I’m not saying any more about it. Okay? Now I’m going to change into my sleep stuff in the bathroom and go back out to him.”

“Okay.”

After Penny closed the door to the bathroom Alex looked at Nora.

“I’ve been feeling the chemistry between those two for a long time. They so belong together.”

“I know. But they’re both like baby deer. They just admitted to something they’ve been in denial about for a long, long time. We’re going to need to be very, very careful.”

After Penny had changed into her shorts and a tank top, she tiptoed past a theoretically sleeping Nora and Alex and squeezed in next to Sheldon who’d left just enough room for her on the couch.


	23. Chapter 23

**23**

 

Alex remained with Nora from Sunday night until early Monday afternoon when Penny returned from her workout at the gym. She then joined Sheldon at work.

Howard recommended one of his lawyer cousins to Sheldon. He would come over to discuss Nora’s legal options regarding Amy Farrah Fowler’s assault on Wednesday. Sheldon decided to cancel Thai and Halo nights to give Nora more time to recover and scheduled an appointment with Dr. Stephanie for Nora later on Wednesday.

Sheldon ate lunch in his office to avoid running into Leonard. Alex didn’t mention anything about Nora at work.

_The CalTech cafeteria on Monday_

“Hello Leonard.”

“Howard, Raj. Where’s Sheldon? I really need to talk to him.”

“I bet. I think he’s in his office taking a nap. Those two are really wearing him out.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Raj.”

“Bernie told me about something last night and I told Raj and I’m pretty sure you’re not happy about it.”

“Leonard, pretending that Sheldon hasn’t become the envy of every dude in Pasadena isn’t going to make it go away. Sheldon Cooper has become a walking, talking letter to Penthouse Forum.”

“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh we definitely know what we’re talking about. Bernie heard it right from the horse’s mouth. Actually she heard it from all three horse’s mouths.”

“It didn’t happen. They’re lying.”

“They’re not. Sheldon twitches when he lies. According to Bernie, there was no twitching.”

“Didn’t happen.”

“You are so in denial, dude. Sheldon absolutely, positively fucked Penny and Nora and they liked it. They liked it so much they’re repeating it. Must make you feel pretty small. I hear they even took pictures. Penny implied there might even be videos. I would give my left testicle to see those.”

“The photos aren’t that good.”

“So you’ve seen them. You’ve seen the pictures and you still say it didn’t happen. Man, how in denial can you be?”

“I don’t want to talk about this. It’s all Nora’s fault. Once she leaves everything will go back to normal, Penny will go back to The Cheesecake Factory and we’ll be back together. You’ll see.”

“Um, dude, you should know that Penny is definitely _not_ be going back to The Cheesecake Factory because she got another job working with Nora.”

“Where!”

“A place called Manny’s.”

“The strip club?”

“That’s what she said. She said the money is really good. Much better than she was making at The Cheesecake Factory.”

“Wait, I thought she was auditioning for that show.”

“She’s still doing that. She’s only subbing at Manny’s if one of the other girls wants a night off.”

“This I have to see.”

“You can’t.”

“What do you mean I can’t?”

“Penny doesn’t want you there. She said she gave your picture to the guy at the door. He’s supposed to not let you in.”

“Penny wouldn’t do that.”

“Dude, Penny really doesn’t want anything to do with you. She said she doesn’t even want anyone to mention your name.”

“Like I said, it’s only temporary.”

“Penny did say one thing about you, dude.”

“See, she misses me.”

“Not exactly. Let me see if I can get it right. She said that she could never be satisfied with a little sapling now that she’s had a mighty oak. Yeah that was it.”

“And apparently Sheldon has some real staying power. Nora said he could go all night. So not doing anything for so long is kind of working in his favor now. Apparently the dude can’t get enough.”

“I’m not hungry. I’m going back to the lab.”

 

_Next: Penny & Nora_


	24. Chapter 24

**24**

  
Alex drove Sheldon home on Monday evening and they picked up Thai food on the way. Alex dropped Sheldon off and went home and was expected back at the apartment the following morning. Sheldon, Penny and Nora returned to their standard sleeping arrangements with Sheldon on the couch and Penny and Nora sharing Penny’s bed. All three turned in early.

_In Penny’s bedroom, in Penny’s bed_

“So?”

“What?”

“You and Alex?”

“What about me and Alex?”

“Is it just a hookup or is there something there?”

“It’s kind of early and my head might be broken, remember.”

“So you fucked her last night because your head might be broken?”

“No.”

“You like her.”

“What’s not to like? She’s sweet. She’s smart. She’s pretty. And…”

“And what?”

“And she kinda rocked my world.”

“Should I be jealous?”

“Hey, you had your shot.”

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

“Regretting what we decided?”

“No. Not really.”

“We can still fool around you know. For fun.”

“Nora!”

“Just kidding. I think.”

“Nora.”

“Penny, you know I like to push your buttons.”

“So, I never really got the impression that Alex is gay.”

“And you have such finely tuned gaydar, don’t you Penny?”

“Okay, point. But, is she?”

“Getting kind personal there aren’t you?”

“Hey, I’ve been sharing a bed and my possible future boyfriend with you. I think I get to be a little personal.”

“Point taken. I guess Alex is kinda like me. She told me she had a couple of girlfriends in college and then a long relationship with a guy in grad school. There was a really nasty breakup and since then pretty much devoted herself getting her doctorate.”

“So what happened?”

“You were there. Sparks. I thought it might have just been me but she told me she felt it too. If you hadn’t invited her over she was going to ask Sheldon about me.”

“God I would have loved to hear that conversation.”

“So what about you?”

“Changing the subject are we?”

“Not really. Same church. Different pew.”

“Um, you haven’t met Sheldon’s mother. You so don’t want to bring church into this.”

“Religious, huh.”

“Understatement.”

“And Sheldon.”

“Sheldon’s a scientist. He wants proof.”

“Sunday dinners must have been fun.”

“Kind of one of the big reasons he’s here in Pasadena and she’s back home in Texas.”

“But I get the feeling they’re still really close.”

“They are. She really loves him. And sorta gets him in a mother/son way.”

“But we got a little off-track, I think kind of on purpose. What, exactly is happening between you two?”

“Honestly, we don’t know. But we decided that as soon as we get rid of the dysfunctional duo we’re going to try to figure it out. Except my priority is to get my act together and he’s willing to wait.”

“That could take a long time.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“Well?”

“I think for me it mostly means that I get myself pointed in the right direction again, toward my career. Since I moved here I’ve spent so much time as part of a relationship, first Kurt and then on-and-off with Leonard that I think jumping into something right away with Sheldon would be a big mistake. For both of us.”

“You’re not afraid of losing him?”

“A little bit. But the whole time he was with Amy he never once told her he loved her or he was in love with her. I already got that and unlike most guys it wasn’t a ploy to get in my pants.”

“Because he’s already been in your pants.”

“Nora!”

“C’mon, Penny, you know I love the guy. Not like you do. But I really want this to happen for you guys. You make sense. It’s a weird kind of sense but you do. And I really don’t want you to fuck it up. And I especially don’t want you to fuck it up because of Leonard.”

“They are really different people, Nora.”

“I know, but Sheldon’s a guy and you know what they’re like.”

“Not Sheldon. He’s different. He really is. I know he can be a big bundle of crazy but I also know that he will do anything for me. And not because he wants to fuck me. That was Leonard. If Sheldon doesn’t want to do something, believe me he’ll let me know. Leonard would go along with what I wanted because he was expecting sex on the other end.”

“And Sheldon won’t.”

“Hmmm. How can I put this? In his case Leonard was definitely the one getting rewarded.”

“Not particularly gifted there, eh.”

“Nope.”

“And we both know that Sheldon does not have that problem.”

“Nooooo. I mean, Sheldon may be inexperienced, but I’m really looking forward to teaching him some stuff. But I have a suspicion he can make me pretty happy right now. The best thing I can say about Leonard is that he tried really hard.”

“But no fireworks.”

“Couple sparklers but no fireworks. Got to do lots of acting though. That should help with the _Masters of Sex_ audition.”

“How’s that going?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got the script. I know my lines. I’m comfortable with how I look but I’ll keep working out just to be sure. I just hope I don’t freeze at the audition.”

“They’re going to make you audition naked?”

“No. No. It’s just that even with my clothes on it’s still pretty graphic and in front of a bunch of strangers. I’m just nervous.”

“It’s out of your comfort zone.”

“It’s an audition. It’s kind of supposed to be.”

“I have an idea. It’s kind of out there.”

“Well, you’re last out there idea kind of worked. Shoot.”

“Manny’s is closed on Mondays. Let’s go there. Rehearse the scene as written with me and maybe Sheldon running the lines.”

“You mean with the nudity.”

“Yeah. If you can get it down with the nudity with us watching you should be able to nail it with your clothes on.”

“That actually makes a weird kind of sense.”

“And if you want, we can tape it so you can give yourself notes later. The club is set up with cameras.”

“Really?”

“It’s not what you think. Jeff actually rents the place out sometimes for dancers and actors to tape scenes. He doesn’t make a bunch of money off it but it’s kind of a perk for those of us who need things like that.”

“Okay. Set it up.”

“And it’ll give you a chance to meet Jeff. If you still want to pick up stray bartending shifts.”

“I know you keep telling me this place is different. I’m not going to have to do anything to get work, am I?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like give this guy Jeff a blowjob. I’ve heard stories.”

“Penny, you don’t know Jeff. He’s not going to want a blowjob or anything else from you. Sheldon, though?”

“He’s gay?”

“Yeah, but he’s been with Weldon forever. And I do mean forever. They’ve known each other since they were both kids, didn’t see each other for a long time, ran into each other like ten years ago and discovered that they’d both come to the very same conclusion about themselves and they’ve basically been inseparable since. It’s really sweet. Jeff runs the club and Weldon runs their restaurant, little Italian place. Very nice. Very expensive.”

“Okay. Let’s give it a shot.”

“Which, working or rehearsing?”

“Both.”

“Oh, and I’ll try to do you a favor. When some of the other girls see you they’re going to try to convince you to dance.”

“You mean strip. No, that’s not gonna happen.”

“I figured. They can be pretty persistent. I’ll warn them off.”

“Nora, why would _they_ want me to strip?”

“Because you’re really hot, sweetie. And hot girls mean more customers. More customers mean more money.”

“So why don’t you? Strip I mean.”

“Two left feet. I don’t dance so good. Actually I suck. You know how to move. You’d clean up.”

“Still not going to do it. But out of curiosity, what do you mean by clean up.”

“A couple of thousand a week, without tips.”

“With tips?”

“Could be double that. Could be more.”

“Wow.”

“Sweetie, keep your eye on the prize. You want to be a legit actress. You’re on the way up. Don’t even think it.”

“Okay.”

“But you should know something.”

“What.”

“Howard called before. He told me he did what Sheldon asked him to do.”

“He teased Leonard about the three of us?”

“Yeah. But he did a little improv.”

“What did he say?”

“Bernadette must have mentioned your possible bartending gig. And I guess Howard knows Manny’s pretty well.”

“Before he got together with Bernie, Howard pretty much knew every strip joint in Pasadena and its environs pretty well. He was kind of a perv.”

“Anyway, he told Leonard that you might be working there and he let Leonard think it was as a stripper.”

“Oh that’s good. But what’s to stop Leonard from going there and seeing I’m just tending bar?”

“All we have to do is give Barney the door guy a picture of Leonard and tell him not to let him in. Lots of the girls have exes and sometimes stalker types they want kept out. Barney is really big and scary looking with a great memory for faces. Once he sees Leonard’s picture he’s never getting in. For some reason Howard knew that.”

“Okay. I should feel bad about what we’re doing to Leonard but I don’t.”

“You shouldn’t. From what you told me he spent years making sure you had almost no confidence and that the only way for you to feel good was to give your body to him. That’s not a relationship. He doesn’t respect you and he never has. He just wants to show you off because it makes him look better. He deserves what’s coming to him. So, are we going to talk all night or get some sleep or something else?”

“Sleep, Nora. Just sleep.”

“Not even a little making out?”

“Nora!”

“Good night, Penny.”

“Good night, Nora.”

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**25**

 

Sheldon emailed Amy Farrah Fowler his proposal for date night on Wednesday morning. Amy smiled when she received them and quickly emailed back her approval. Based upon his choice of venue, which was as romantic a choice as she could expect from Sheldon, he had forgiven her for Sunday’s fracas with Nora, just as he had forgiven her for accidentally breaking Penny’s nose that time. She looked at herslf in her hand mirror and hoped she’d be able to remove the bandage from her broken nose by date time. Makeup would take care of her two black eyes. She momentarily regretted no longer having access to Penny’s expertise in that area.

Later that morning Nora, Sheldon and Penny visited Howard’s lawyer cousin. After viewing Bernadette’s recording of Sunday night’s events, Bea Wolowitz advised Nora to go to the police and file charges against Amy. Bea checked her calendar and arranged to meet Nora at the Pasadena Police station on Thursday. Since they knew exactly where Amy Farrah Fowler would be that evening they intended to pass that information on to the police.

That afternoon Sheldon also accompanied Nora and Penny to see Dr. Stephanie who gave Nora a thorough examination.

“So, any headaches, dizziness…speaking in tongues?”

“Nope. Doc, I’m feeling fine. And I really need to go back to work.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m a bartender at a gentleman’s club, Manny’s.”

“So, loud music, flashing bright lights, lots of yelling?”

“Pretty much.”

“Can you hold off for another week, like till next Thursday.”

“Really?”

“Nora, I want to be absolutely sure that you’re okay. Please?”

“Okay. Maybe it’ll work out for the best anyway.”

“How?”

“I was gonna try to get Penny a couple of shifts bartending but there wasn’t any way that I’d know when they might need her. It could be a while. Now I know they’ll need her Tuesday and Wednesday.”

“See, it all works out. So I’ll see you again next Wednesday, okay?”

“Sure, doc. See you next Wednesday.”

Nora rejoined Penny and Sheldon in the waiting room. As they left the hospital and walked to Penny’s car Nora gave them her update.

“Looks like I have invalid status for another week. I’ve gotta call Jeff to let him know. Penny?”

“Yeah, Nora.”

“Do you think you’re ready to cover for me and tend bar Tuesday and Wednesday.”

“I have the job?”

“When I tell Jeff I can’t work when I said I would you will. When’s your audition?”

“Next Friday afternoon.”

“If everything works out I can show you the ropes when we’re there on Monday.”

Sheldon looked a bit confused.

“Monday?”

“We’ll explain in a few minutes, Sheldon. Let’s let Nora speak to her boss first. If he says no nothing’s happening.”

Nora pulled out her phone and dialed Manny’s.

“Hi Jeff.”

“Hi Nora. What’s up?”

“Hit a bit of a speed bump on coming back to work on Tuesday.”

“What happened? Wendy’s last night is Sunday.”

“Yeah, I got into a bit of an altercation and I might have a mild concussion. The doc won’t clear me to work until next Thursday.”

“That puts me in kind of a bind. I need a bartender Tuesday and Wednesday nights.”

“I think I can help you out there. My friend Penny is a bartender and she needs some work. She’s really not looking for a regular gig but she happens to be available Tuesday and Wednesday.”

“Okay, that could work. But she’s going to need to come in before that and somebody is going to need to show her the ropes.”

“That’s another reason I called. Is anyone using the club on Monday?”

“Nope. Weldon and I are going out of town for a couple of days and won’t be back until late Monday night. Why?”

“Penny has a big audition next Friday and I was hoping we could use the space to rehearse. We’d need to use the camera setup and we really, really need privacy.”

“You’ve got a set of keys and once they clean up Sunday night/Monday morning nobody will be there until late Tuesday morning.”

“Cool. And while we’re there I’ll show Penny everything she’ll need to know for Tuesday night.”

“Sounds good.”

“Jeff, I need you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“My friend Penny is pretty hot. I mean, she makes me look like a plain Jane. I don’t want anyone trying to convince her to dance. It’s not going to happen. She’ll sell a lot of drinks for you but she won’t strip. Promise me.”

“If your friend Penny doesn’t want to strip, she won’t strip. I’ll keep the girls away from her. So, is this Penny your new sweetie?”

“No, she’s my roommate and my friend. She’s with someone else. And she’s straight.”

“Okay. Just asking. Let me know what time you’ll be coming in on Monday so I can let the security company know.”

“Will do. Thanks, Jeff.”

“Okay, we’re all set, Penny. Two nights next week should set you up with your share of the rent at least.”

“Thanks, Nora.”

“Penny, Nora, what are you planning for Monday?”

“Sweetie, I’m a little nervous, okay a lot nervous about my audition for Masters of Sex. It’s pretty important. But even though I get to audition with my clothes on I have to act as though I’m naked and I’m not entirely sure I can do that. So Nora had an idea.”

“What was your idea, Nora?”

“I figured that if Penny went to an unfamiliar place and rehearsed the scene butt naked until she felt comfortable, she’d probably ace the audition on Friday.”

“Odd as that may sound it may be a workable idea.”

“Manny’s is completely empty on Mondays. The owner just confirmed that nobody but us will be there. There’s a camera set-up so we can record Penny. She can look at it and we can work out any problems with her performance.”

“Penny, this seems like a wise approach to your preparation. How may I assist?”

“Would you like to come with us and help me run lines?” Play some of the other parts?”

“I believe that I could do that. I have no pressing business at work. We should watch the program this weekend so that I may approximate the characterizations.”

“Are you sure, Sheldon? I realize you know what it is, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing you enjoy watching.”

“Penny, if you are successful in getting the part and you decide to do it, it will be exactly the kind of thing I enjoy watching.”

“So, we have a plan.”

“Speaking of plans, we need to figure out tomorrow and Friday.”

“Alex is on board for tomorrow night. After you “kick us out” I’ll stay at her place and meet you guys on Friday morning.”

“Great. Sheldon?”

“I am prepared for Amy Farrah Fowler. And I am grateful that you will be with me. And though I am a bit nervous about staying in the apartment with Leonard, I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed once more. Are you certain you can avoid Leonard until Friday morning once I depart?”

“All he can do is bang on the door. I don’t have to answer and he’ll think I have a real good reason. You just need to make sure he goes to work the next morning.”

“I don’t anticipate that will be difficult. He’ll wish to get the “dirt” from me and will look forward gleefully to saying “I informed you thusly” to Wolowitz and Koothrapali.”

“And don’t forget to set up that other thing.”

“I won’t. I do however hope that there is no weather-related or other mishap to delay your father’s flight.”

“We’ll just have to hope that the gods that none of us believe in are on our side.”

“I believe I prefer consulting the Weather Channel.”

_Meanwhile, in Leonard-land_

On Monday Leonard just stewed in his lab after he left Howard and Raj at lunch. He continued stewing for the next two days. He absolutely refused to accept what his own two eyes kept telling him he saw. While he could accept Penny having a lesbian dalliance with Nora, she was pretty hot after all, he just couldn’t accept the two of them wanting Sheldon of all people, and more than just once. Sheldon wouldn’t even know what to do with two women. And he tried as hard as he could to push the photos he’d seen on Saturday from his mind. The only thing he knew for sure was that he has to speak to Penny. If he could speak to Penny he knew he could convince her to come back to him and get rid of Nora, who was at the center of all of this. Unless of course Nora was willing to join them. But, no, it was better if everything returned to how it was. He was still a little confused by the email he’d receive from Amy telling him that Sheldon had planned a romantic rendezvous with her. Now all he needed to do was catch Penny alone for a moment. However that was proving to be almost impossible. Nora seemed to be in 4B all the time, especially since their visit to the hospital. And that was another thing. What was Alex, Sheldon’s assistant doing there? He could actually kind of understand Alex punching Amy. He’d seen how Amy acted around the pretty grad student, possessive regarding Sheldon. In any case, Leonard was determined to catch Penny alone as soon as he got an opportunity.

_Next: Date Night_

 


	26. Chapter 26

**26**

 

Sheldon asked Amy Farrah Fowler to meet him at the restaurant for their date night on Thursday. Amy thought that the choice of restaurant was romantic as it was the same one that they had gone to on their very first date. That made her quite happy. She was hopeful that this was a sign that Sheldon understood that she was not at fault for the altercation at Penny’s. Nora was. She thought that Sheldon was clearly trying to be a better boyfriend and after the week she had just been through she was finally beginning to feel more optimistic about their relationship. However, when she walked in she was quite surprised to find Sheldon deep in conversation with Penny.

“Hello, Sheldon. Penny, I assume you gave Sheldon a ride and that is why you’re here. As I really have nothing to say to you, you may now depart so that Sheldon and I may continue our date night.”

“Amy Farrah Fowler, that was very rude. I demand you apologize to Penny.”

“I will not apologize. She is intruding on our date night and she should leave.”

“If you recall, Penny was present for out first date, which in fact occurred at her suggestion. You may also recall we both treated her quite rudely that evening and you asked her a number of very intrusive questions which I am ashamed to say I allowed.”

“That does not explain why she is here now. And I will once again insist she leave us.”

“Amy Farrah Fowler, as Penny was in attendance for our first date, I thought it appropriate that she be in attendance for this, our final date.”

“Sheldon, I don’t understand.”

“After a great deal of thought and extensive discussion with my best friend, who I believe knows a great deal more about love than either of us, I have decided to terminate my Relationship Agreement with you.”

“Sheldon, why?”

“I have come to the conclusion that you do not respect me, you do not respect the things I love, and you do not respect the people I love.”

“That’s not true. I have spent a great deal more time over the past few years doing what you want to do and you almost never do what I want to do. I have watched your movies. I have looked at your comic books. I have even played with your toys. I have stood on lines for hours for movies I did not wish to see. And I have spent endless hours with your boorish friends who are beneath me. I have been the best girlfriend that you will ever have.”

“But every one of those things you did, every one of those activities you attended, you did not enjoy a single one, did you?”

“Well, no.”

“Then why did you do them?”

“Because that is what a good girlfriend does and I didn’t want you to complain later when you outgrew them that I never did them.”

“Why do you expect that I will outgrow these activities?”

“Sheldon, you are going to be a Nobel Prize recipient someday. I am certain of it. These activities are not worthy of the intellect you will become. They are childish and stupid. You will outgrow them and I will help you do that.”

“And if I do not wish to outgrow them?”

“I believe that you must. If necessary you will be able to participate in them to a limited extent when you play with our children before they know better but you will be doing more important things. There will be no room in your life for such silliness.”

“Amy Farrah Fowler, that silliness is a part of who I am, just as much as my genius. I could no sooner put them aside than I could put my left arm aside. I have reached the conclusion that you are in love with the man you believe I will be and not with the man that I am.”

“What’s wrong with that, Sheldon? You will be a great man.”

“I am far more interested in being a good man now. And that man likes comic books, and science fiction and toys. And my friends.”

“I could reconsider that part of my plan.”

“Ah yes, your plan. I am given to understand that you have given a great deal of thought to this plan. Was it a part of your plan to rid me of my Mysophobia just as you attempted to rid me of my supposed compulsion for closure?”

“Eventually, yes.”

“And was spreading your germs upon every surface you came in contact with in my home, in Penny’s home, and in my other friends’ homes part of that?”

“No. That was something else.”

“What was it?”

“I was marking my territory. It was to either attract people to me such as Penny or inform others that things were mine.”

“Like me?”

“Yes.”

“And you gave no thought to how much this would disturb me if I were to discover it.”

“Sheldon, Mysophobia is a phobia, not a disease. I did you no harm through my actions.”

“I did not say you harmed me, per se. However, what you did was quite disrespectful.”

“Sheldon, I do respect you. I don’t open the door until you finish knocking even though it annoys me to no end. And I listen to you go on and on and on about things in which I have no interest.”

“Amy, you do not respect me. You tolerate me. You are tolerating me until you are able to fashion me into something you believe others will respect.”

“Isn’t that what any good girlfriend would do?”

“No, Amy. It is not. Penny has taught me that a real relationship is built upon mutual respect.”

“Penny has not said a word. I still fail to understand why she is here. And why would you take her advice on relationships? As long as I have known her she has done nothing but fail at them. Even now she is throwing away what will likely be the best relationship of her life. She is a failure.”

“You still don’t understand. Just like you, Leonard does not love the Penny that is. He loves a picture of Penny in his head, a fantasy he wishes her to become. He has come very close to destroying her and you aided him in that. I believe you are still trying to aid him in that endeavor. You did not know Penny before she was ever with Leonard. She was feisty, bright and fun and filled with optimism. He has all but pulled that from her. He and you have as much as called her stupid on multiple occasions. Penny is not stupid. In many areas she is the smartest and wisest of all of us.”

“Why does she not say anything?”

“Amy, I haven’t said anything because Sheldon is doing just fine on his own. I am here to support him. You have spent the last few years bulldozing him into a relationship the same way you bulldozed me into being your bestie. You have treated both of us like we’re just a couple of your monkeys. Sheldon, continue.”

“Amy, you have been trying for a long time to make me act in a more physical manner with you, to hold your hand, to kiss you, to hold you and to eventually have coitus with you. For a long time I believed that I might eventually wish to do those things because I was in a relationship and that was required. You never for one moment considered that I do not wish to do those things with you because I am not physically attracted to you. Despite what you may believe, I do have feelings and I do have needs. You have not, do not and will not ever be able to satisfy them. When we first met we had a relationship of the mind. We discussed intellectual matters and matters of consequence. And we even had moments of whimsy. However, I consider the moment I asked you to be my girlfriend and the subsequent crafting of our Relationship Agreement to be among the greatest mistakes of my life. I acquiesced to pressures I should have ignored.”

“So you have decided to pursue a solitary life?”

“I did not say that. I believe that I am capable of love. I believe that I am capable of having a loving relationship and even marriage and children. I just do not wish to have those things with you.”

“So what now?”

“There was a time that I would have said we should reset our relationship to the point it last worked. I no longer feel that way. I do not wish to ever see you again. I cannot speak for the rest of my friends as to whether you will be permitted to remain in their lives, but I can say that you owe each and every one of them an apology for your behavior, beginning with Penny.”

“Sheldon, you have said a great many things and I will give them serious thought. But Penny derided and insulted me and I will not apologize to her. And Penny, I demand you return the painting I gave you.”

“Amy, I’m perfectly fine with that because I really don’t want you in _my_ life anymore either. You encouraged me to stay in a relationship that was destroying me. You enabled my drinking when a real friend would have tried to stop me. Oh, I absolutely cop to being ultimately responsible for the pit my life is in but you made no effort at all to help me out of it. If anything you helped dig it deeper. I have a pretty good idea why you act the way you do. I just really have no desire at all to do anything to help you. Not only were you never really my bestie, you weren’t a good friend to me at all. I think the only real relationships you have are with your monkeys. Sheldon, I think I’m ready to go now. Goodbye, Amy. I hope someday you figure out what you lost here. And as for the painting, I’ll drop it off at your building just as soon as I can. That thing creeps me the hell out. Besides, I’m pretty sure I have something to replace it with that’s a whole lot more meaningful.”

“When you check your email you will find a formal termination notice for our Relationship Agreement. In twenty-four hours I will sever all communications ties with you. If there are any items in my home that you wish to retrieve you may contact Leonard by tomorrow morning and make arrangements with him. I do not wish to see you again.”

“And finally, Nora visited the Pasadena Police earlier today to file assault charges against you. If I am correct, the lady and gentleman who just now entered the restaurant are with the police and will wish to speak with you regarding the events of this past Sunday night. Video copies of your assault upon Nora’s person have been sent to your employer, your “fiancée” Faisal and your mother. Goodbye Amy Farrah Fowler.”

Amy Farrah Fowler sat there in shock as her ex-boyfriend and ex-bestie left the restaurant hand-in hand.

_Outside the restaurant_

“Well that went about as well as it could. How are you doing, Moonpie?”

“Surprisingly, I feel quite well. I believe I now understand the relief you felt when your relationship with Leonard ended. There is one problem, though.”

“What’s that, sweetie?”

“We never actually ordered dinner. I find I am quite hungry.”

“Me too. Where would you like to go?”

“I believe I noticed a little Italian bistro a couple of blocks away called _Trattoria de Pasadena_. It looked quite inviting.”

“But it’s not Sheldon-approved.”

“How would I ever learn if it should be?”

“Sounds like a plan to me. Now, when we’re done eating I’ll drop you off at home. I’ll be going to the gym to work out for a little bit. Are you ready for what’s about to happen?”

“Indeed, the second half of our one-two punch.”

“I really wish we weren’t both going to be alone later on.”

“As do I.”

 


	27. Chapter 27

**27**

 

Leonard had been trying for almost three days to catch Penny alone. It was proving to be almost impossible. She was either across the hall with Nora or Sheldon or both or she was off somewhere else with one of them. The one time he thought she might be alone was when she was working out at the gym, but he also knew that there was no way she would believe him accidentally running into her there. It would turn into a thing about him stalking her. And while he really wasn’t above doing that, he didn’t want to be caught by her doing that.

So he bided his time and spent his evenings at the apartment door peephole watching Penny’s apartment door. When he heard from Amy about Sheldon’s plans for his Date Night with her, Leonard thought he might then have his chance. He figured that Penny would drop Sheldon off but not want to run into Amy after Sunday Night’s excitement. So he planned to camp out in the building lobby and run into her when she returned from dropping his roommate off.  He waited there for almost two hours. No Penny.

Leonard went back upstairs dejected. He closed the door to 4A behind him when he thought he heard something. He looked through the peephole. What was Alex doing there? Alex knocked on Penny’s door and Nora opened it. Nora pulled Alex in while kissing her. And it wasn’t a friend kiss.

Leonard had no idea what was going on. Alex and Nora? Alex and Nora and Penny and Sheldon? Now that would be just plain greedy of Sheldon.

A short time later Sheldon came up the stairs. Leonard hadn’t heard a word from Amy. He assumed from the silence that things had gone as well as she expected.

What Leonard didn’t know was that Amy was at the Police Station under arrest and attempting to contact her lawyer.

Leonard continued to watch through the peephole as Sheldon knocked on the door across the hall.

Sheldon whispered.

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Alex and Nora._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Alex and Nora._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Alex and Nora._

So Sheldon knew Alex was there and so was Nora but Penny wasn’t. Alex and Nora opened the door wide and both hugged and kissed Sheldon and he kissed them back. And they still weren’t friend kisses.

An hour later Penny came up the stairs. She did not look happy. Penny looked pissed. Leonard had been on the receiving end of that glare enough times so that he knew this wasn’t the time to try to speak to her.

Leonard watched Penny open her door and go in. And then there was yelling. And screaming. And things being broken. The door opened and Alex came running out in her bra and panties. Penny threw her clothes out after her. Alex quickly got dressed and ran down the stairs crying.

More yelling. Leonard could tell that it was mostly Penny.

A minute later the scene was repeated with Nora this time, but she initially exited Penny’s apartment completely naked. And she looked as hot as Leonard thought she would. She picked up her clothes from where Penny threw them, dressed and ran down the stairs.

Even more yelling. Again almost all Penny. Then the door opened.

Sheldon was standing there in a pair of Superman boxers. And nothing else.

Leonard ran for the couch and quickly turned on the TV. He heard Penny screaming from the hall.

“It’s not enough you have me and Nora. You want Alex too! You’re turning into some kind of sex monster. Why didn’t you bring Amy back with you too? You should be ashamed of yourself, Sheldon Lee Cooper. Get the hell out of here and don’t come back. I hate you. I HATE YOU!”

“Penny? My clothing.”

Penny slammed her door shut.

Sheldon opened the door and walked into his apartment. Leonard looked at him with a grin.

“Hey buddy. Rough night?”

“Shut up, Leonard.”

Sheldon went to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Leonard smiled. He decided he’d give it a little while and then head across the hall to console Penny. She’d need that.

 


	28. Chapter 28

**28**

Penny sat down on her couch. “That was exhausting,” she thought, “but kind of fun too.” She pulled out her cell and started texting.

**< MOONPIE, R U OK? – P>**

**< I AM WELL. ARE YOU CONTINUING TO BREAK BOTTLES IN THE TRASHCAN? – DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER>**

**< YUP – P >**

**< LEONARD LOOKED VERY HAPPY – DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER>**

**< I FIGURED – P >**

**< HAVE YOU HEARD FROM NORA AND ALEX? - DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER >**

**< THEY’RE FINE. THEY WENT TO THE RESTAURANT WE JUST CAME FROM. – P >**

**< I HOPE THEY ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS WE DID. - DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER >**

**< OK. I’M TURNING ON MY LOUD MUSIC NOW. I SUSPECT LEONARD WILL KNOCK SHORTLY – P >**

**< GOOD THING I STILL HAVE YOUR SPARE KEY - DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER >**

**< GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE. I’M GOING TO THE AIRPORT PRETTY EARLY. I’LL SEE YOU AT WORK. – P >**

**< GOOD NIGHT, PENNY - DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER >**

Leonard went over and knocked on Penny’s door for what felt like an hour. Either she couldn’t hear him because of her music, another one of those country rock things she was so fond of, or she just plain didn’t want to speak to anyone. She wasn’t responding to texts, tweets, emails or Facebook messages either. Leonard knew Penny could be like that. He just hoped she wouldn’t get so drunk she did herself harm.

Meanwhile, Penny was in her apartment doing a happy dance and cleaning. Amy Farrah Fowler was out of her life and soon Leonard Hofstadter would be too. She texted all of her friends to make sure they knew what to do the next day. She also called her father who was on his way to the airport.

“Hi, dad.”

“Penny, where heck are you calling from? It sounds like you’re in the middle of the Grand Old Opry.”

“I’m just playing my music loud to help ignore Leonard knocking on my door. He’s been out there for almost an hour.”

“Leave him there knocking till his arm falls off. Hey, slugger. I’m pretty close to the airport. So far as I know everything is on time and the weather is clear so I should be seeing you bright and early tomorrow.”

“You have the props you need?”

“Well, they’re not really props. They’re tools.”

“You know what I mean, daddy. I’m really sorry mom isn’t coming, too.”

“So am I, but you know how she is about California and traveling. And besides, she did make you promise to come visit and bring your friends.”

“I can’t really wait for you to meet them. They are really nice people and I love them so much.”

“Well, they’re helping you out with this ridiculous plan of yours when all you really needed to do was borrow a shotgun and point it at the bastard.”

“First, this plan will hopefully teach Leonard a lesson as I shove him out the door. And second, you’re helping out with this ridiculous plan too.”

“I’m your father and I love you and that’s why I’m helping you. That and I’d really like to be able to share an ice cream cone with my grandkids on a hot summer day.”

“There still isn’t any guarantee that’s going to happen.”

“I’m willing to take my chances. Okay, I’m parking now. If anything comes up I’ll call you from the plane. If not I’ll see you at 6:30 in the am.”

“Don’t remind me. I’m starting to not see the point of even going to bed.”

“Just get yourself a few hours of sleep. Do it for me. You’ll want to be wide awake to watch the show.”

“Okay. I’ll go to bed as soon as he stops knocking. I love you.”

“I love you too, slugger.”

Leonard soon gave up and went back across the hall. He figured he could try again after he got ready to go to work in the morning. There was no chance Penny would be leaving the apartment before 11.

Penny got about three hours of sleep but she felt refreshed. She was looking forward nervously to what was about to happen. She showered, dressed in slightly more respectable clothes than usual, and quietly opened her door, locking it behind her. She ran down the stairs, out the building, got in her car and headed to the airport to pick her father up.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**28**

 

In apartment 4A it was a typical morning which proceeded as though events of the past few weeks had never happened. Sheldon did everything according to his well-established schedule. So did Leonard. They just did them in complete silence. However, when they exited the apartment Leonard made a beeline for Penny’s door and began knocking.

“Penny isn’t home, Leonard.”

“Of course she is. It isn’t 11 o’clock yet. She’s just asleep. And besides, she isn’t talking to you. I heard her last night.”

“I don’t need to speak with Penny to know she has an appointment this morning and has more than likely already departed so that she may arrive on time.”

“What appointment?”

“I believe she may be meeting with her agent to discuss additional prospective auditions.”

Luckily Leonard didn’t see Sheldon’s almost imperceptible twitch.

“I’ll speak to her later, then. What makes you think I’ll give you a ride to work after all of the crap that’s happened.”

“We are going to the same place, Leonard. And I assumed you’d wish to take the opportunity to gloat.”

“Well, yes, yes I would.”

Despite Leonard’s desire to gloat the ride to CalTech was mostly silent. Leonard offered to play one of Sheldon’s car games but Sheldon wasn’t in the mood. In a way, Leonard relished a depressed and defeated roommate.

When they arrived at work they each went their own way. After an hour Leonard received a text.

**< I’M SORRY I COULDN’T TALK LAST NIGHT. HAD TO FIGURE SOME THINGS OUT. – P>**

Leonard smiled.

**< IT’S OK. I UNDERSTAND. – L>**

**< U DO DON’T U? - P>**

**< IF U NEED SOMEONE 2 TALK 2… - L>**

There was no response. Leonard was about to text Penny again, when…

**< NOT SURE TALKING IS THE ANSWER - P>**

Leonard thought “I wonder what she means by that.” Leonard went back to work. A short time later.

**< I’M ON MY WAY OVER – P>**

Leonard didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know why Penny was coming over. Was it to apologize? Was it to explain? Was it to get back together? Was it to say goodbye because she was leaving forever? Leonard had no idea how to get ready or what to get ready for.

**< R U IN UR LAB? – P>**

**< YES – L>**

**< REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME I VISITED UR LAB? – P>**

Leonard didn’t think he’d ever forget what happened the last time Penny visited him in his lab. He couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face the whole day she’d made him so happy.

**< HOW COULD I FORGET? – L>**

**< I REMEMBER 2  ** **J** **-  P >**

**< WHAT R U SAYING – L>**

**< B READY 4 ME. I’M IN THE PARKING LOT ** **J** **\- P >**

“Oh. My. God.” thought Leonard. “She wants me. Penny wants me back. Now. Right now. And she’ll be here any minute.”

So Leonard hurried to get ready for his epic reconciliation with the love of his life.

**< I’M ALMOST THERE. – P>**

_Knock. Knock._

“Leonard are you ready for me?”

“I’m ready. Come on in.”

The door to Leonard’s lab opened. Leonard stood in the middle of his lab stark naked. And he was more than ready.

In Leonard’s doorway stood…

Wyatt Queen. Wearing a big cowboy hat. And he had a rope.

“Leonard, I’m sick and tired of how you treated my daughter. It’s rodeo time!”

Leonard immediately covered himself with both hands. Because of the shock of seeing Wyatt in his doorway he really only needed one. Wyatt entered the lab. Leonard backed away. As Wyatt kept approaching him, Leonard kept backing away around the perimeter of his lab until he reached the door. Then he ran for it.

On his way out the door Leonard was too scared to notice Penny with her cell phone as he ran past, Wyatt close behind. Penny followed. Every time Leonard passed a door he tried to open it. “Didn’t anyone else come to work today? Why are all the offices locked?” Howard and Raj had arrived early and been quite busy. They’d organized an impromptu birthday party in the cafeteria and all of their colleagues were there.

Leonard kept running. He’d look back and Wyatt Queen was always there. Walking quickly. With determination and purpose. And a rope. He kept remembering what Penny had told him Junior Rodeo involved. He shuddered to think what regular rodeo might portend. And he ran.

Past engineering. Past astrophysics. Past the freshman physics class who all turned to watch. What Leonard didn’t see was someone around virtually every corner with a cell phone recording the chase.

Leonard ran up hallways. Leonard ran down hallways. Oddly they were all deserted. He didn’t see another person the entire time except for Wyatt Queen behind him. With a rope. He kept running.

Finally, Leonard burst into the cafeteria and ran right into “President Siebert!”

Almost as one, every person in the cafeteria took out their cell phone and began to record. Wyatt Queen never entered the cafeteria. Nora met him at the entrance and led him out of the building.

“Dr. Hofstadter. Taking casual Friday a bit far, aren’t we?”

“Um. Um. Um.”

“Dr. Hofstadter, please return to your lab and get dressed. And then report to my office. I believe we need to have a discussion about the proper comportment of a member of the CalTech faculty. Now exactly whose birthday is it that Dr. Hofstadter was so eager to celebrate?”

Alex Jensen stepped forward. “Um, mine sir.” The funny thing was, it _was_ actually her birthday. Just an amazing coincidence, everyone thought. And then they remembered that Sheldon would absolutely have known that.

As Leonard tried to leave the crowded cafeteria Sheldon whispered something to him. Leonard speeded up and ran.

“Sheldon, what did you say to him?” Penny asked.

“I informed Leonard that Wyatt would be sleeping on our couch this weekend and that I hoped he didn’t mind the violation of our Roommate Agreement regarding advance notice.”

 


	30. Chapter 30

**30**

A slightly reconfigured group gathered that evening at Penny’s and Nora’s apartment to celebrate Alex’s birthday and the success of their prank on Leonard. Leonard had been suspended from work for two weeks and was apparently avoiding 2311 North Los Robles as long as Wyatt was there. Nobody knew exactly where Leonard was staying and they didn’t particularly care. Nobody expected to see him. And they still weren’t entirely done with him.

Penny was in a great mood and Wyatt enjoyed seeing his daughter happily hobnobbing with her friends. Alex and Nora were cuddling together most of the evening. Raj spent a lot of time with Dr. Stephanie, who’d managed to have a night off and accepted Sheldon’s invitation to join them. Howard and Bernadette arrived late.

“Sheldon, the project is ready.”

“Thank you, Howard. You may upload it at your leisure.”

“Already done, buddy.”

“Sweetie, did you and Howard take care of it?”

“It is done, Penny. I’ll keep you apprised as to its progress.”

“Good. I’m kinda hoping that it does real well over the next couple if days.”

“I trust Howard’s expertise in this matter. _Battling Physicists_ has proven to be quite popular even years later. And my own escapade delivering Tom Lehrer’s _The Elements_ has also.”

“I’ve always thought you look really cute in your underwear. But I’m still sorry about that.”

“Old news, Penny.”

Wyatt watched Penny and Sheldon interact. Their easy rapport with each other, their teasing and, was it flirting, gave him a warm feeling inside. He hoped that what he was seeing was what he thought he was seeing.

Nora approached Penny and Sheldon.

“You knew it was Alex’s birthday today, didn’t you Sheldon.”

“Certainly. It was on her job application. It is a detail among many others that I shall never forget.”

“So you planned this all with that in mind for today?”

“A happy coincidence. If it hadn’t been Alex’s birthday we would have found another ruse to get everyone out of their offices and into the cafeteria.”

“And get the university president to show up?”

“I admit that would have been a bit more difficult but I am aware that President Seibert regards Alex as an upcoming talent and wishes to ensure that she remains with us.”

“I’d kind like that too,” added Alex.

“I believe that goes without saying.”

“Sheldon?”

“Yes, Nora.”

“I know about what you proposed to Penny about the apartment.”

“And?”

“Why are you so sure that I’d want to and be able to take over her apartment if she decides to move in with you?”

“I did a bit of research and have a sense of what you earn. I am aware of the lengths to which your employers have gone to ensure your return to work so I can conclude that your employment is secure. I have observed your spending habits. From these factors I concluded that you are financially able to handle the expense.”

“And?”

“You like it here. You enjoy Penny’s company and she enjoys yours. Your proximity increases your happiness.”

“And?”

“Your proximity makes me happy also. I would regret it if I did not see you every day.”

“I love you too, sweetie. But it’s really this one’s call. I’m perfectly happy keeping things as they are if that’s what she wants to do. I kinda get the best of both worlds. I’m in love with a beautiful physicist and when we’re not together I get to hang out with my beautiful, platonic friend. And both of them are happy to share a bed with me. What’s not to like?”

“Are you two going to keep talking about me like I’m not here? Okay, I’m thinking about it. Seriously. And Nora, wanna hold it down on the me sharing a bed with you around my dad? And have you told Alex about this?”

“Yup. She’s on board. We’re thinking that we might want to fill the whole building with women that Sheldon likes. Maybe put a big sign out front _Moonpies’ Harem_.”

“That will not be happening. And only my Meemaw and some few others with limited dispensation can call me Moonpie. But I will absolutely not be advertising that appellation for all of Pasadena.”

“Awww. You ruin all our fun.”

Nora gave Sheldon a peck on the cheek and walked off to continue canoodling with Alex.

“Penny, you do realize I will apply no pressure to encourage you to make a decision in this matter. We need never speak of it again until or unless you wish to.”

“Thank you, sweetie. I really do appreciate that.”

_Next: Sheldon & Wyatt_


	31. Chapter 31

**31**

 

Sheldon woke up early Saturday morning to the smell of bacon frying. He wandered out of his bedroom and was surprised to find Penny’s father preparing breakfast.

“Sorry if I woke you up son. I’ve been up for a couple of hours. Guess I’ve been a farmer too long. Can’t sleep late even when I have the opportunity. Hope you don’t mind that I started breakfast. Penny, Nora and Alex will be over in a while.”

“You didn’t awaken me, sir. I normally arise at this hour to watch _Doctor Who_.”

“Well, then go ahead. But I was hoping I’d have a chance to talk to you for a little bit before the girls come over.”

“I can allow the DVR to record the episode. What did you wish to speak about?”

“I guess I’m wondering about what your relationship is to Penny exactly.”

“Penny is my dearest friend in the world ever.”

“But you’d like it to be more?”

“Until quite recently we were both involved with others. This is the first time in a very long time that neither of us is involved in a relationship. We have discussed our feelings.”

“Well, son, I can tell you this. Penny almost never tells us about the guys she’s dating. Not really until Leonard and, to be honest, she complained about him just as much as said nice things. The thing is, though, hardly a phone call goes by that she doesn’t talk about you. You’re pretty important to her.”

“Interestingly my Meemaw has said something similar about the letters I write to her weekly. At one point she even said that she knew more of what Penny was doing than what I was doing. Penny is a big part of my life. One of my great regrets is that I did not have the courage to ask her out before Leonard did. As a result I was forced to witness a relationship that was doomed from the outset and there was nothing I could do.”

“I sort of regret that myself. I have a feeling the two of you would have been a lot happier together.”

“I agree.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“I’m not certain. If Penny is amenable I would be interested in pursuing a romantic liaison. But her career is very important to her and I would not want to distract her from that. She is finally regaining the focus that she will require for success in that endeavor. I believe that she is very talented and it is incumbent on her to share her talent with the world. And we are both recovering from failed relationships that did us significant harm.”

“So you support her efforts to be an actress. Even if she has to take off her clothes?”

“If it is a worthy role, yes I do.”

“You wouldn’t be jealous?”

“Jealousy is borne of insecurity. I am a genius who will one day receive the Nobel Prize. I am quite secure in who I am. I am not my soon-to-be-former roommate.”

“That’s good to hear. I made a big mistake a while back in encouraging Leonard to pursue Penny. He didn’t really respect her or what she wants to do with her life. I get the feeling that’s not the case with you.”

“It is not.”

“Sheldon, if Penny wants to, as you say, have a romantic liaison with you, you’d both have my blessing. You’re a good man. I’m not sure she could do much better.”

“Thank you, sir. But ultimately it is Penny’s decision and I believe she should concentrate on her career now and I will do everything I can to support her. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good for you, son.”

“In that regard, I’d like to gauge your feelings on a proposal I made to Penny.”

“Gauge away.”

“I have proposed to Penny that she replace Leonard as my roommate and let Nora take over the lease to her apartment. That way she would never have to worry about losing her home. And I would never subject her to pressure about a potential romantic relationship. When she is ready, if she is ever ready, we could explore that possibility.”

“But you still want that.”

“Not at the cost of our friendship. Maintaining our friendship is and always will be my paramount concern. That and Penny’s happiness.”

“Sheldon, I know my daughter pretty well. How are you going to feel if she finds another guy?”

“I have been aware of Penny’s liaisons for the entire time she has lived across the hall. Have they disturbed me? Yes. But they have disturbed me primarily because not a single one of them, Leonard included, respected her. Not a single one of them cared about her aspirations or her desires or her dreams. They are who she is. They are why I care for her. That she is beautiful and fun to be with is but icing on the cake that is Penny. I want the whole cake and I’m willing to wait to have it. If it takes some time for Penny to realize that, I’ll wait. And if she finds another who sees what I see that she prefers it will make me sad. But I will support her nonetheless.”

“Sheldon, if my daughter can’t see what she has in you I don’t know what I can do. But the fact that she knows going in how you really feel is a good thing. If she decides to come live with you here I’ll be fine with it because I know from what you’re telling me that you’ll keep her safe and love her. That’s all I can ask from a friend or a lover or a husband. But beyond saying that I’m going to stay out of it.”

“A wise decision. Penny is not happy when others make decisions for her. It may take time but she will eventually rebel. And now that she has significantly reduced her intake of alcohol she is much more aware of what is going on around her.”

“I guess Nora was a big help there. You don’t think her possibly working as a bartender will be a problem?”

“I hope not. But I know that both Nora and I will keep close eye on her. We will certainly be aware if anything changes in that regard. However, I think that her bartending will only be temporary. I believe that soon she will be working in her chosen profession and that she will earn enough to support herself from that.”

“Sheldon, can I ask you something a, well, a little weird?”

“You may.”

“Did something romantic happen between Penny and Nora?”

“No. Absolutely not. Though Nora is primarily attracted to women, she and Penny determined very early on in their relationship that their friendship is of great importance, more important than anything else. I am uncomfortable sharing anything beyond that.”

“I appreciate that you believe protecting Penny’s privacy is more important than impressing her dad. And that you did it without lying to me.”

“I am incapable of lying, sir. I’m quite bad at it.”

“Son, I think we’re going to be friends.”

“I’d like that, sir. I’d like that very much.” 

From Saturday through Sunday Penny ferried her father around to a number of the standard tourist haunts. She was really enjoying this visit and was sorry to see it end so quickly. Wyatt was scheduled to return to Omaha on Sunday afternoon. Penny and Sheldon delivered him to the airport.

“You two take care of each other, okay. I have a feeling you’re not entirely done with Leonard.”

“I’m quite certain we’re not. However, after this evening I believe that he’ll have a very clear sense that Penny and some others will not be a part of his life any longer.”

“Well. I’m glad I could help with that. I can’t wait to share that link with some of my pals.”

“Share it with as many people as possible, Daddy. I really want Leonard to be famous for that.”

“I’m pretty sure he will be. Have a safe trip. We’ll let you know what happens.”

“Take care, slugger. And Sheldon, I’m counting on you.”

“Bye, Daddy.”

“Goodbye, sir.”

“Okay, Moonpie. What was that about?”

“Your father and I had a very nice conversation.”

“You talked about me, didn’t you?”

“You are the primary thing we have in common, so yes.”

“What did you talk about?”

“Your father initiated the conversation by inquiring about my intentions toward you and I responded as a gentleman should.”

“How’s that?”

“In essence I asked for his permission to court you.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I also informed him that I would do nothing unless you expressly signaled your interest and that my priority is and will always be to provide you support as your friend.”

“Wow. I can’t believe you did that.”

“Are you angry with me?”

“No, sweetie. Not angry. I guess I’m impressed.”

“As I said the other night, I will not pressure you. Your current priority is also mine. Our relationship status and any adjustments to it can wait. And your father has said he will also give you the space you require.”

“Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that. I was thinking though, that maybe we could make some slight adjustments now, just to sort of test the waters.”

“What would that entail?”

“I kind of wouldn’t mind if you kissed me.”

“When?”

“Now would be good.”

 

 

 


	32. Chapter 32

**32**

 

Later Sunday evening the gang gathered in Apartment 4A. Sheldon had texted Leonard informing him that Wyatt had departed for Omaha so he expected that he would appear and that he wouldn’t be happy.

Sitting around the living room were Sheldon, Penny, Nora, Alex, Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Dr. Stephanie Barnett, who had enjoyed herself so much on Friday that she rushed over as soon as her Emergency Room shift ended on Sunday afternoon. Sheldon had ordered pizza and they were just starting to eat when Leonard walked in wearing a big scowl. He announced himself.

“You should all know that I’m not very happy with what happened on Friday. You embarrassed me in front of the whole department.”

Then, pointing at Penny he added, “And what the hell is she doing here? I want her out. I don’t ever want to see her in this apartment again. And I expect to have your support, Howard and Raj. You’re my friends and it’s bros before hoes.”

Sheldon stood.

“Leonard, I appreciate that you may be upset. However, out of respect for our friendship we have organized a testimonial of sorts in your honor to welcome you back after what must have been a difficult few days. Please have a seat in front of the television.”

Leonard sheepishly sat down in front of the TV. Sheldon turned it on. The first thing everyone saw and heard was Wyatt Queen saying “It’s rodeo time” as over a close-up of Leonard standing there with his hands covering his genitalia. The familiar strains of the William Tell Overture began. The music then swelled followed Leonard as he was chased around his lab and up and down the halls of the CalTech. It would often switch to shots of Leonard approaching. It was really quite well edited. When Leonard burst into the cafeteria a series of different point-of-view shots was presented, too many to count. The clip ended with President Seibert’s comment about taking casual Friday too far.

Leonard jumped up and glared as it ended.

“Very very funny. So you got even, didn’t you, Penny?”

“This wasn’t about getting even, Leonard. This was about teaching you a lesson. A lesson you seem to still be unwilling to learn.”

“So what, a bunch of my friends saw you naked. Now a bunch of my friends have seen me naked. We’re even.”

“Actually, Leonard, _Casual Friday_ has received significantly more hits in the past two days than _Girl in Shower with Ape_ ever has,” Sheldon informed him.

“Wait, you posted this? This isn’t just something Howard put together for your enjoyment?”

“Oh, we’re enjoying it. We just aren’t greedy. We decided to share it with the world,” added Howard.

“You had no right to do that.”

“Getting it now, Leonard? Getting what it feels like to have an embarrassing episode shared with strangers without your permission?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“I kinda think it is.”

“Well I still want you out of here. You and anyone who was involved with that thing.”

“Leonard, that would be almost all of us.”

Stephanie stood up. “I had nothing to do with it but I sure wish I had been there. And if they go, I go. You’re kind of an asshat, Leonard.”

“Actually, Leonard, I wish to address the subject of who should be in this apartment and who should not. I have determined that you are the one who should not be here.”

“We have a Roommate Agreement.”

“About that…”

Sheldon went to his desk and removed a large ziplock bag from the top drawer. In the bag were shredded documents.

“I have shredded the Roommate Agreement. I have concluded, with the help of a very close friend, that the agreements that I crafted and that I believed protected me instead harmed me and I have canceled every single one as I had wisely included a codicil allowing me to do that at my discretion. I have decided to become a hippie and go with the flow. And since I am aware that you have been suspended from Caltech for two weeks I have decided to allow you pack your things and flow out the door.”

“What if I refuse?”

“Leonard, my name is on the lease. Yours is not. If I need to bring attorneys into this you will not enjoy the experience.”

“I have my own attorney. She’s beaten you before.”

“Yeah, dude, my sister isn’t your attorney anymore. She may not like Penny but she really didn’t like what you did. And she also demands that you destroy any photographs or recordings of her that you might have.”

“She can’t do that.”

“Actually, Leonard, she can. And if you post anything of Priya or Penny or any other woman you’ve been with online you will be subjected to fines and prosecution according to the laws of the State of California.”

“Well, I can still keep them for personal use.”

At that point Nora pulled Penny to the side and whispered something to her. Penny’s face grew redder and redder until she marched over to Leonard and slapped him so hard he almost fell over.

“What the hell was that for?”

“Nora just told me what you mean by personal use. This asshole had the shower scene on a loop and he used it to masturbate.”

Leonard pointed at Nora. “So _you_ took my DVD!”

“ _That’s_ what you took from that.” And Penny slapped him again.

Howard stood up. “Buddy, you should know that I went through your computers here and at work and removed that clip. It’s also a lot harder to find it online now and if you were to find it and download it you might give your computer a very pernicious virus.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend, Howard.”

“Yeah, and a real friend tells someone when he’s been a gigantic asshole. I’m really sorry to admit that I’ve had your back for a long time. I backed you up when you fucked with Sheldon’s experiment in the Arctic. I backed you up every single time you and Penny split up and supported you when you got back together even though I could see that the relationship was destroying Penny. I am so, so sorry and I hope that someday she can forgive me.”

“She loved me. She still loves me.”

Penny jumped in. “Leonard, you are so fucking deluded. I thought you were a good guy. I loved that guy. Well now I know that guy never really existed. You are a fucking fraud. The only thing you love is yourself and your cock. Well, you should be happy now because we shared your cock with the world. Except it needs a sign that says _Objects are smaller than they appear_.”

“It satisfied you for a long time.”

“Two things, Leonard. One, I was drunk. And two, I’m an actress.”

Stephanie couldn’t hold back. “I’d like to chime in here. Um, Leonard, while you are quite good at negotiations you very rarely seal the deal.”

“So, you too Stephanie?”

“Leonard, you introduced the subject. I believe we’ve now heard more than enough about your sexual prowess. If you wish us to gather more witnesses I’m sure that I could contact Leslie Winkle, Joyce Kim and Dr. Plimpton for further accounts. I’m not very sure it would be helpful. I still want you out.”

“Yeah, his new roommate is chomping at the bit to move in,” added Penny.

“And who’s that?”

“Me!” And Penny strode up to Sheldon and gave him a big wet kiss on the lips. Sheldon returned Penny’s kiss and they began full on making out right in front of Leonard.

Leonard fainted dead away.

“You all know your assignments,” Sheldon announced.

When Leonard woke up in his bedroom he was surrounded by boxes containing his property. Taped to them was a note.

_Leonard,_

_Attached is a check refunding your security deposit and the remainder of this month’s rent. I have taken the liberty of engaging a storage facility who will shortly pick up and store your property until you find a new domicile and I have reserved a room for you at the local “Y”. Please be gone by the time Penny and I return later this evening. We have plans which involve use of the entire apartment. Leave your keys in the bowl. Please do not return. Ever._

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

_Across the hall_

“I hope you didn’t mind my little improv there, Sheldon.”

“The kiss? It seemed to have the desired effect. Leonard was unconscious the entire time we packed his belongings.”

“Was that the only effect?”

“Um, no.”

“Weren’t you going to say something?”

“Penny, Nora and Alex are right there.”

“Hey, don’t mind us. If you guys want to get busy we’re happy to sit back and enjoy the show. Might even be up for some audience participation.”

Penny, Sheldon and Alex looked straight at her and together yelled “NORA!”

****

**_FIN_ **

**_Epilogue_ **

The next day was Monday. As Nora drove Penny and Sheldon to Manny’s to rehearse Penny closed her eyes and thought. “Just a few weeks ago I was a mess. The two people who claimed they loved me the most didn’t respect who I was or what I wanted one bit. They were trying to erase every bit of me and replace it with their idea of who they wanted me to be. I was an alcoholic co-dependent mess. All of my tomorrows were going to be exactly like my yesterdays. Now, I’m with the two people I love most in the world and I know they love me just as much. I’m about to take one of the biggest risks I will ever take and I know that if I succeed or fail they will still be there with me. And they’ll help push me to take the next risk. But it will always be my choice. They’ve helped me go from just existing to really living. I have my future back in my own hands. How did I ever get so lucky?”

****

****

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Errata
> 
> A/N: So that’s it. My one-chapter story ends thirty-one chapters later. I have to admit this one took a lot out of me. Thank you all asking me to take this ride and for coming along. This story started in anger and ended with hope.
> 
> As for the show, I guess I’m getting kind of cynical. It seems that all the lousy things that Leonard has done to Penny during Season 7 are being interpreted as the cute things that people in love do. Man, does that suck. I don’t expect The Big Bang Theory, a situation comedy, to be profound or to teach me life lessons. But their concept of love is pretty damned perverse and it’s really depressing. I guess the only happy ending that Penny and Sheldon will ever find will be here, in our fantasies, because we may be the only people who really love them for who they are and for their dreams.
> 
> So, enough of the morose. I’ve got two stories in the hopper that need to percolate a little more before I start posting. One is my long-spoken-of continuation of The Non-Coincident Theorem called The Slipped Conjugation that I’m still a little stuck on. The other is a coda to The Dancing Diversion called After the Dance that I started yesterday and it’s kind of flowing. If I were a betting man I’d put money on you seeing that one first. But hey, since I’m doing this for you as well as me, I’m willing to put it up for discussion. Let me know what you think. Just so you know, because she seems to have a few fans, Nora appears in both stories. And though I haven’t been visited by the Zarneckies for a bit, I’m positive they’ll hate both of them. It’s likely Leonard will also.
> 
> See you soon.
> 
> bk


End file.
